More Adventures in Dating Douchebags... Meet the Dumbass Who Definitely Should've Known Better

So I haven't done one of these in FOREVER... Not because I haven't dated any douchebags.. Cause I've dated a bunch of douchey mofos since my last Dating Douchebags installment More Adventures in Dating the Douchebags of PoF: Meet Metrosexual Magic Mike.. But more because their douchebaggery just wasn't blatantly stupid and laughable enough to make for good blog fodder and whatever they did didn't annoy me enough to post about it.... Until now...

Here is another dude whom I would suggest avoiding or further subjecting to public scrutiny... Meet the Dumbass Who Definitely Should've Known Better aka Wes Grant... 

He's 31 and he's from around the Northern Virginia area. As far as I know he actually lives in Fair Lakes near me but he's apparently moving to Reston soon. I know this because he actually told me the other day during a text conversation. He also works in Accounting by day and does music on the side like me, is a dog owner like me, and even has red hair.. like me.. Clearly we have a lot in common and, one would think, we could potentially be very compatible to date or at least be friends... But apparently not. To be clear though, we actually never dated or even went out on one date or have even met in person ever.. We never got that far because he is a Dumbass.

For those of you who have been loyal readers of my blog since the beginning you may even remember him from my post a couple years ago Check This Out! Bonus Music for Your Monday... DMV Local Band - Madison Apart. He is the bassist for that band... 

Here is a pic of him in action that I pulled off their Facebook band page...

Quick sidenote... Just FYI, this is not the same band dude I mentioned in my post Miss Slik's Guide to Dating: The 3 Date Rule. That was Mr. Dreamy and he's a guitarist for a different local band. Pretty sure I won't be blowing him up any time soon.. if ever.. for 2 reasons. The first, I'm still possibly trying to bang him at some point in the hopefully not too distant future and maybe cultivate him into a "special friend with whom I have interesting and intelligent conversations" if he stops acting so sadiddy and gets with the program. Pretty sure publicly dissing him on the interwebz would be counterproductive. The second reason is because when his band gets super famous (which I believe could actually happen) he's totally going to buy me a 7-Eleven because I told him he has to so I can have access to infinite slurpees for the rest of my life. I want my Infinite Slurpee Dream dammit! There is also the secret 3rd reason, which is that I actually like him as a person and he's fun to talk to about stuff... most of the time. He actually gave some input to help with the blog revamp the other day which I appreciate. But, since I do get that I'm such a man eater it may be hard to keep all my dudes straight, I figured I should clarify that.

Anyway... Bygones... Back to the story...

So, I first encountered this fool on PoF like 3 years ago I think. I don't remember who messaged whom first... I think it was me. But I do remember that we had a lovely conversation about a mutual fave show Eastbound & Down. He seemed cool.. I thought we were getting along.. and then dude just dropped the ball. Not sure why.. But I've come to find out this is just his M.O.. 

Here is his PoF profile...

Quick sidenote... Dudes who do not have dope torsos with stomachs I could do my laundry on should really refrain from posting shirtless bathroom selfies of themselves. I get that he's trying to show off his tattoos but he should have resisted that urge.

I've run across this dude on like 3 other dating websites since then in the past few years.. We talk. Seems cool. Drops ball. Last week I was bored and getting my Tinder swipe on when I ran across him again. I swiped right and found he'd already swiped right on me. I decided to send him a message saying something to the effect of "Since we keep running into each other on all these dating websites maybe we should just actually finally meet up in person for a drink."

Here is his default Facebook profile picture by the way.. It's actually the same as his default Tinder profile picture.. which I would show you if he hadn't unmatched me...

Anyway, he responded to my message about 20 minutes later and agreed and asked me when I was available. I told him whenever because since he lives like down the street I'm pretty sure I could find an hour or 2 to drag my happy ass to one of the many nearby bars. He told me he was busy with band shit all week but that he'd hit me up Friday to make plans for the weekend. 

Then I gave him my number so we could sort it out and advised him not to wait until Friday to book time during the weekend because every time I say I have no plans, inevitably I immediately get hit up by a rack of people asking me what I'm doing. It's true. Believe it or not, I'm actually kind of dope and fun and people like hanging out with me... And I was right to advise that because right after I told him that my Friday got reserved for World of Drum and Bass... We'll get into that fun later.. I promise. This week will be a 2 parter because I HAVE GOT to tell ya'll whahappin to me last Friday.

He texts me later that day and we talk about tacos and what we both do for a living and whatnot. He says he has to go because he's about to head into the gym to workout... This is always what he's about to do. I have dated personal trainers who do nothing but work out for a living and somehow they found the time to text. I also work out and yet manage to have text conversations. So basically I think that's bullshit. Plus judging by that pic on his PoF profile I'm kinda thinking this dude never works out... and if he is then he's doing it wrong cause my guns are bigger than that.

Well Friday and the weekend came and went and dude did not hit me up like he said he would. I was busy being a maniac at World of DnB and then dead to the world recovering for the rest of the weekend so I kinda didn't really think about it or notice. I was way too hurt up to care.

On Monday I was kinda bored and hyper and having a moment so I hit him up. He is, again, about to head into the gym. He then, again, asks me what I'm getting into this week and when I'm free. I told him I currently had no plans other than going to Transit on Wednesday for my boy's birthday (shoutout to Ricardo aka Naughty Bitz.. Happy Birthday Ricardo!!!! ♡♡♡). He tells me that Wednesday is actually his only free day so I invited him to Transit. He said that would be too late for him since he has to be at work at 7am. So we agreed to get dinner before I went to Transit instead. He says he'll hit me up then and I'm like "You know you could keep talking to me in the meantime right?" He says he will... But hours go by and no text.

So the next day, which would've been Tuesday, I realize while I'm looking for an old post on How I Tricked Out My Blog so I can remember how to change my header pick to the new MSG2L graphic, I find that I had done that post about his band a couple years ago. I texted him the link and told him about it. In the meantime, I go respond to some Tinder messages and swipe a little cause I'm bored.. and much to my surprise this mofo comes up for swiping.. which shouldn't happen since we were already matched.. So I go check my messages and his thread is gone.. This piece of shit dumbass motherfucking douchebag had the nerve to unmatch me!? What a fucking tool?!?!

Well like a half an hour later, he responds to my text with, "Haha nice! That was a fun video to make." I ask him if there are any more recent ones cause I'm pretty sure there aren't... No response... Probably cause he damn well knows there aren't any recent ones... and now I know for sure too because I checked YouTube. For someone who is so super busy with band shit you'd think he'd have more to show for it. Mr. Dreamy gets all pissy and short and tells me he's busy with band shit too.. which I'm apparently supposed to magically know by osmosis that I'm interrupting with my ill-timed offers of sex and burritos like I stalk him... But the difference is when he says it I actually believe him. 

All this non-responsive shit kinda brings me to my breaking point though. In the same day I'm also dealing with Mr. Dreamy being all elusive and douchey on top of this other guy I used to date last year texting me because he's trying to rehash things I'm pretty sure I don't want to rehash (we may get into that later)... Meanwhile I just want to actually go out with a dude who isn't blowing me off for some unknown reason, acting like a dick that just left me hanging during an intimate conversation, or being a Stage 3 Clinger who isn't quite getting the hint that I'm just not feelin it at this juncture.

So in my annoyed state, I text this dude, "So at the risk of coming off like 'that girl', should I actually plan my day around us meeting up tomorrow evening or no? I'm kinda getting the vibe you're not that about it.. Either that or you're just really not the best texter." Seems kinda bitchy and maybe would turn some dudes off but whatever. At least I gave him an out... And this dude still doesn't respond! Then Wednesday comes and goes.. No text from him, no call, no Tinder message, no carrier pigeons, smoke signals from down the street... Nothing... Not that I'd really expected it and probably would've fallen over in shock had he actually hit me up like he said he would.. But whatever. Fuck that dumbass toolbag.

Fellas, if you're not that into a chick then don't ask her what she's doing and attempt to make plans with her.. Not even once, but TWICE.. It's rude and inconsiderate.. And if you do make plans and you change your mind for whatever reason then you should at least be courteous and let her know you want to cancel. If you need to, make up an excuse.. Not that you're sick or have to work late or anything that would invite rescheduling.. Make it finite and permanent like you're moving to Antarctica or you've decided to convert to Islam and run off to join ISIS or that you have a microscopic penis (cause I'd definitely be out) or that you died... Or you could just grow a pair and tell her you're such an asshole that you can't even be bothered to follow through with plans you contributed to making twice because you're just not interested in her and do not want to meet her in life ever at all.

Normally, I wouldn't care if some dude was acting like this dumbass because I have other shit to do and a plethora of other men around who would love to have food and drinks and whatnot with me. But here is why this dude is so fucking stupid for pulling this shit...

This dude's name is Brett...

Now Brett and I came across each other on PoF too shortly after I first encountered the Dumbass. We were chatting in a friend way for a bit.. I wasn't really interested in him like that but he was cool to talk to.. Brett is or was or may even still be Dumbass's roommate. When he messaged me I noticed pics of the Dumbass and told him I'd talked to that guy before. But Brett is the reason I know that they lived down the street and about the band and whatever. He's the same Brett I shouted out in that post. Now Brett is also the guy who started that trend of dudes who are scared to date me because they are overly concerned they'd do something stupid and I'd blow them up on my blog.. Many have followed since who shared that fear but he was the first.. and the reason I had not done a Dating Douchebags installment since. 

This dude, and Mr. Dreamy actually, are in a very tiny group of dudes who bothered to show a genuine interest in me and something I do and take the time to actually read my blog. That action in and of itself pretty much guarantees you will probably never be featured in this particular segment because I know you'll actually read it. I also make it a point not to publicly out people by name that I actually have real talks with and give even a fraction of a shit about even if they really piss me off. I just refer to them by nicknames or "(insert generic clarifying reference here) dude". Those other guys knew I had a blog but never cared enough about me or anything I do in any real way where I would know they actually read the posts about them.. and if they did I've never heard from them about it. The subject of this one might. But ask me how much I care. He deserves it.

Dudes are worse than women sometimes.. They get together and gossip like clucky little chickenheads. These dudes were roommates who were on the same dating website that ran across the same chick. I'd bet money Brett told Dumbass about my blog and those Dating Douchebag posts. I also gave Dumbass the link to my blog the other day and I'd again bet money he didn't bother to read more than that one post about his band.. If he had he'd have either followed through and we'd have met up.. or he'd have pulled a Chandler and told me he was moving to Yemen. Either way, he's a fucking idiot who should've known better.

Fellas, especially those of you in your late 20's or older, here is yet another example of what not to do. If you come across a chick who is nice and cool and tries to hang out with you and you decide you're just not interested for whatever reason then show some testicular fortitude and text her pretending to be your mom and tell her you're in a coma. 

Ladies, this dude is still out cruising on at least Tinder and also still PoF because I just pulled those screenshots of his profile earlier today. Clearly he is a flake with no balls who lies about going to the gym and being busy with band shit. You don't really need that in your life. If you know him and have a date scheduled then I'd advise telling him you're in a coma.

Finally, everyone, just remember that dumbass douchebag tools who should know better don't deserve your mercy. Don't waste your time being considerate of anyone who shows a lack of regard for your time because it's disrespectful of you. People are busy and ain't nobody got time for that shit. Plus I think we're all a little too old at this point to act like or deal with dickheads. 

More Adventures in Dating the Douchebags of PoF: Meet Metrosexual Magic Mike

So like a couple weeks ago I went out on a date with this dude whom I would also suggest avoiding or further subjecting to public scrutiny...

PoF Screen name: JJ1325
Real Name: J.J. aka James Alexander Jensen IV aka Metrosexual Magic Mike 

Why Magic Mike? Because whilst on our date, aside from springing on me that he used to be married (cause nothing puts me in the mood quite like hearing all about your divorce), he told me he used to be a male stripper several months ago... Yeah, it's not even so much the former occupation that bothered me as the description of his "act". 

Now get this... He loves rave music and all things rave. Like so much so that when we went downstairs and my friend who was spinning was playing house music, he kept repeating like every 5 minutes on the 5 minutes, "I just want to roll. I just want to pop a molly." OH MAH GOD dude, shut the fuck up about it! It's just Ecstacy. Do we need to make a special trip out to DC? I seriously wanted to smack the shit out of him and not in a dominatrix 'Call me Miss Veronika and lick my boot' sexual sort of way... more like in a 'dislocate your jaw so you won't be able to talk and can just sit there and look pretty like you're here to do' sort of way.

Anyway, bygones... You know those obnoxious glowy gloves that kandy kids like to wear to entertain themselves when they're rolling? Yeah, he apparently incorporated those into his act along with wearing some weird, glow-in-the-dark contact lenses. I spent the better part of the night trying to picture this act of his. All I can say is if I went to a male strip club ready to make it rain and I saw that shit come out on stage, I wouldn't be turned on. I'd be fucking terrified. Considering he couldn't liquid for shit, it probably was somewhat terrifying.

I wouldn't be able to take anyone seriously if they were grinding on me trying to give me a lap dance with little light-up gloves or glow sticks in my face and a Vick's inhaler in their mouths. Believe it or not, it has actually happened before... But I was at a rave at the time so, while I still didn't find it the slightest bit sexy, at least the context was appropriate. I was like 16 though so back then I just laughed and walked away. Nowadays, my response would be, "How much do I need to tip you to get off me and get that fireman with the big hose over there to replace you?"

Also, it just didn't help that dude showed up wearing a pink shirt and bootcut jeans with more detailing sparkly shit on the back pockets than the entirety of a tweenage girl's wardrobe. He claimed he was into fashion and defended his shirt because he thought I had bagged on it when I spotted him while we were on the phone trying to find each other at the beginning of the night. I told him it was just meant as a means of identifying him when I asked "Are you wearing a pink shirt?"

The reality is that I really was bagging on his shirt. But, Niki Slik don't love them hoes nor does she ever admit to making fun of them to their faces when she's trying to fuck them. Ask me anything and I will always tell you "Of course not baby. I love your shirt. I think everything that you wear is sexy. I just think it would look better on my floor." The last sentence about the floor was the only part that is actually true. (Somehow I feel like a rack dudes I used to be "special friends" with are somewhere out there going "That bitch!")

Yes fellas, men can wear pink. But just because you can do something doesn't necessarily mean that you should. What I secretly felt like saying was, "Holy God dude.. For real, this is a pool hall, not a One Direction concert." Now, I like my men pretty.. And believe me, this one was. He had a stomach I could do my laundry on. However, there is a line. I'm sorry for dimming your shine guys, but your outfits should never have more glitter, sequins, or shiny shit on them than the lady you are dating.

That was actually not the end of the interesting fashion choices. I have four words for you: DayGlo orange nut huggers... Hold up! Wait a minute! I'm pretty sure he referred to them as "tangerine briefs". It was too much. All I wanted to know was "Where are the snaps?" This was the only time I've ever wanted to do it with the lights off just to see if those MoFo's glowed in the dark.

But here's what really got me... When he left as soon as I closed the door, I heard a scream out in the hallway louder and higher pitched than any horror movie Scream Queen in history. I quickly opened my door thinking he'd fallen down the stairs or something... No... The screams were all because he clipped the spider web on the frame of my front door.

This dude is a 6'5", like 240 lbs, ex-soldier who went overseas two separate times to go kill people and he's deathly afraid of this teeny-tiny, harmless spider that built its little home outside in my doorway. He told me I should get rid of that thing. I thought about it briefly and decided against it. That spider has ensured all Summer that no flies have entered my apartment because it catches them in its web to eat for dinner. We have a win-win situation going.

I look at this way... That spider benefits my life every day. Dude barely benefited my life for a few hours. Why would I fuck up my karma by killing my door spider and destroying its home to please some dude I barely know who was a sub-par lay with an average sized penis? 

By the way... This advice is for the ladies, don't be fooled when a dude that tall tells you his penis is proportionate. I've been burned on that more times than I care to count. For the fellas, if you make it sound like you've got an elephant gun in your pants when all you're really packing is 9mm, I suggest you brace yourself for a look of extreme disappointment because it's coming. I may not be, but it definitely is.

On a sad note, I'm pretty sure the spider died the other day though and cocooned itself like Charlotte's Web. It's the closest thing I've actually had to a pet in several years so I'm kinda broken up about it. For real, I will genuinely miss that spider more than I will ever miss that dude. 

The moral of the story is: Fellas, here is yet another example of what not to do. Ladies, again, dude is still out there cruising. He'd probably make a decent "special friend with whom to have intelligent, interesting conversations". But quite frankly, he's really not the kind of guy you can take seriously for a multitude of reasons.

Also, a memorial service for Gray Door Spider will be held in my doorway tomorrow promptly at 12noon. In lieu of flowers, I will accept Extra Large Slurpees.

More Adventures in Dating the Douchebags of PoF: Meet The Mayor of Titty City

So like a month ago I went out on a date with this dude whom I would suggest avoiding or further subjecting to public scrutiny...

Pof Screen name: BlueOneD

Real Name: Derrick Hess aka The Mayor of Titty City

How do I know he's the Mayor of Titty City? Because he told me at dinner... He was at his cousin's bachelor party down in Tennessee the week before, got drunk, and was yelling out "I'm the Mayor of Titty City!!!" the whole night. Apparently this is something he is prone to doing every time he gets drunk... EXACTLY what a girl who just met you wants to hear when she's about to take you to a public place for drinking where people she's known for a long time will be.

For those of you who know me and are like "That sounds familiar" but have not yet made the connection, this is the dude I brought with me to Transit at Redzone several weeks ago.. the one who almost left me stranded at the end of the night.. Oh yeah, he also almost left me at the bar because he said he couldn't find me. I'd lost my phone and he didn't try very hard to find me.

A few things....

One, this is for the fellas.. If you're going to whip out your dick at the end of the night DO NOT EVER ASK A GIRL IF IT'S BIG ENOUGH FOR HER AND ASSUME YOU HAVE THE BIGGEST ONE SHE'S EVER SEEN. Unless you are the reincarnation of John Holmes then the answer is probably No. In this case, my special friend with whom I'd been having interesting and intelligent conversations a few days prior had him beat by A LOT. I had to grab a half-mouthful of cock to keep from laughing uncontrollably in his face.

It's funny because in the car on the way to Transit this dude was talking about how he only dates super hot girls with fake boobs. Well, I'm hot but I don't have fake boobs. My boobs are real and they are nice. I don't want fake boobs. But this fucker gave me a complex for like 3 days over whether or not I was super hot enough to date him. Apparently I'm hot enough to sort out as a booty call in advance though. The reality is that I'm really shallow and a supreme Size Queen and this dude did not meet my standards of aesthestic perfection nor size requirements regarding the size of his endowment.

At least I'm not a scandalous, cheating, materialistic bitch... like his previous/current girlfriend. He claimed he got out of a relationship back in April... Obviously the truthfulness of this statement is up for debate. He said they couldn't stand each other and it was a purely physical relationship. He also said that these super hot girls with fake boobs are generally out banging half of Arlington whenever they have a fight. 

I told him he didn't really have to worry about me ever going out and fucking half of Arlington.. not because I'm not prone to being kind of a hooker at times.. But more for these 2 reasons: 

1) I don't really fuck with Arlington much anyway. A lot of Arlingtonians (slow your roll if you live there because I didn't say all) are bougey douches who look down on us Fairfaxians like we're low rent just because we pay slightly less for more square footage. Don't hate just because we're smarter and don't feel the need to be so close to DC we could suck it's proverbial dick every night. 

2) Why would I ever bang half or all of a city to make you jealous when just banging one dude you're already jealous of to begin with will do just fine? Obviously that is some unnecessary hookeriness committed by dumb bitches who clearly don't understand the concept of proper revenge nor fear racks of rampant STD's.

Second, again for the fellas... Money is important but it's not everything. Flashing stacks of cash and/or talking about money the whole time we're on a date is a super low rent thing to do and also a massive turn-off. The only thing I care about is that I'm not paying for our initial dates because you are courting me. Beyond that, keep it to yourself for awhile.

This dude went on and on and on about his money and his family's money. All I could think is did your family win the lottery last week? It's a very nouveau riche thing to do. People who are used to having lots of money don't really feel the need to discuss it in such great detail. They just show up in an expensive car and pay for things and call it a day.

Not only that, but he actually invited one of his boys to come meet up with us at Redzone. This dude was a snarky, broke toolbag who was trying to holler at my friends but refused to buy them drinks. Turns out he wasn't the one paying for his own. Derrick covered that whole bar tab. WHAAAAAAAATTTTTT???? All I want to know is does this dude normally suck Derrick's dick at the end of the night too? It's possible. 

Clearly this dude did not get the memo that the only snarky, broke bitch who was supposed to be on this date was me. Also, I'm not sure what dude invites his boy out on a date with a girl and then pays for him. Guess he not only feels the need to buy the affection of women but also the loyalty and friendship of his boys. That's really sad and pathetic.

The whole situation just wasn't very impressive. He's a bartender at Bungalow Billiards in Alexandria and an E5 in the Army. I probably make more than he does but you don't hear me going on. In fact, the only time I talk about money is when I'm broke, like right now because I just dropped a rack of money on my car.

Third, also for the fellas... ALWAYS assume that EVERY WOMAN you meet is a scandalous, investigatory bitch who could put any man who works for both the CIA and FBI to shame any day of the week. DO NOT lie about dumb shit like the existence of your Facebook profile to conceal the fact that you have a girlfriend and assume we won't find out.

While we were at Transit, one of my friends brought up Facebook profiles and Derrick said something about not having one because "He kills people for a living." Pssshhhhh! This little piece of advice is for the ladies: Don't believe the fucking hype girls.This dude is not a damn assassin for the US Government. He's a Combat Engineer in the US Army. He has killed people... in freaking Afghanistan.. not here or in the Sudan or something. I dated another Combat Engineer last year who also killed people overseas and that fool has a Facebook profile. Some military dudes are extremely scandalous and they lie to hide the fact that they are attached and you are just a side piece.

Suddenly I started having flashes of squirrel pictures and the movie "What's Your Number?" I don't have to get to know him. I dated him... except his name was Scott and he was a Marine and an asshole who lied to me for over a year and hid the fact that he had a wife and possibly 2 kids. Hence why I called his bluff and went searching on Facebook... And look what I freaking found!

Now I have no clue who this Kathy B. chick is but she is definitely not what I envisioned when I think of super hot girls with fake boobs who go out on citywide banging rampages. She looks very plain and like she might actually be a nice person. He definitely was missing her the week he was in Tennessee and those posts are legit from only a week, maybe even several days, prior to us going on our date. We definitely were already talking on PoF when those posts were posted. So basically this dude is a lying, cheating, scandalous douche.

The moral of the story is: Fellas, here is yet another example of what not to do. Ladies, look alive because this fool is still cruising for chicks on Plenty of Fish and may or may not still have a girlfriend. Don't be part of his banging spree through the DMV to get back at Kathy B. That ain't your problem and you definitely don't need that in your life. Also, if a dude offers you an expensive gift you should take it. He offered me Lexus President's Club Nats tickets and I'm a fucking moron for turning them down. I'm still kicking myself for not taking them because I'm a huge Nats fan and he's a huge douche.

Why Does Dating Suck? Cause Dudes Be Trippin That's Why!

So as I mentioned before I'm a 29 year old single woman and I'm out in the dating world and even on a dating website. I mean I'm WAY out there on the market with a big sign that says "Will Date for Food". I'm not going to say which site though even though I suspect some of you reading this either are friends with me and you're on it too or I've met you through it and in some cases are now friends because we get along great platonically but it just didn't work out romantically. But I have tried a couple different dating sites and am currently on one that's free because the pay sites sucked even worse than the free one. Now I can't really speak to the caliber of the other women on there even though I've heard some horror stories. However, I have divided the men on there into 3 categories: The Players, The Stage 5 Clingers, and The Random Normal Few which are few and very far in between.

First off, I have to admit that I don't have a clue about what I'm doing. I question my pictures and whether they are too conservative, too revealing, too sexy, not sexy enough.. I'm not exactly trying to whore myself out on a dating website but I also don't want to come off as some super prude virgin either. I question my About Me section and if I sound too picky or bitter. I'm prone to ALWAYS saying the wrong things in chatting with these guys. I share WAY more than people probably want to know on principle (obviously). BUT, at least I'm honest about who I am. I cannot say the same about some of the dudes I have met on this site recently. Word to the wise, if you not only claim to have an "Athletic" body type and then took the liberty of posting a picture of yourself on your profile of you with 6-pack abs then that shit had better be current. If you show up with a double chin and a spare tire then what the fuck do you think my reaction is going to be?!? I wear my heart on my sleeve and my emotions all over my face. So if we're looking at each other in person, I'm about as good at hiding my disappointment as you are at hiding the fact that you gained A LOT of weight. Yes, I know looks are only skin deep and you shouldn't be superficial and blah blah blah yada yada yada.. I have 2 words for you 1) Fuck and 2) That. Fuck That! Most days I'm about as deep as a puddle and I'm OK with it. How easy do you think it is to stay a size 4? Not very! I spend a lot of time watching what I eat and doing lunges and shit. Sure I eat cookies like everybody else. But I don't do it all the time even though my Tyrone Biggums cookie addiction is so severe it merits it's own 12 step program because Cookie Monster ain't got shit on me. It's called "moderation" and part of eating healthy is about indulging occasionally so you don't go on a crazy junk food bender. And if I eat a cookie then I watch my calories for the rest of the day via my food diary and exercise a little more to burn it off. I care about how I look and make staying healthy and in shape a priority. I expect the same from any dude I date. Period. Why? Because bad habits either partner has breed shared bad habits in the relationship.

Here is an example of what I've been dealing with in the past couple days... I send a message to this guy. He seems cool. He gives me his number. I text him... and within 5 seconds he goes Stage 5 Clinger on me. He texts me A LOT. He then calls me when I don't respond immediately because I went to the bathroom and my phone was still on silent because I turn the sound off when I'm at work. I'm trying not to read too much into it until he starts telling me about the girls he's met off the site and how crazy they were... and also how they tried to get away from him but were sending mixed signals. **RED FLAGS! No bueno. DEFCON 5** Then he tells me his pet peeves, most notably that he doesn't like it when girls juggle multiple guys from this website and that since I'm the only one he wants to talk to then he should be the only one I want to talk to. **MAJOR RED FLAGS! Ladies and Gentlemen, we are currently elevating the alert from DEFCON 5 to DEFCON 4.** My response to him was that there are a couple of other guys I've been talking to and they seem cool. Since I haven't met any of them yet including him I see no reason why I should dead perfectly good, harmless conversations with anyone until I meet one or all of them in person and make a decision. I said "What happens if I meet you and it doesn't work out but it might have worked out with one of them? I'm not putting all my eggs in just one stranger's basket. That's not happening." He quickly got off the phone because he realized he wasn't going to win that one and said he would call me when he got off work. **GIANT RED FLAGS-DEFCON 3** So I step away from my phone for awhile to do other shit like make dinner and update my blog so you nice people have something to read. I come back and he has blown it up in preparation for said call. ***RED FLAGS!!! BIG RED FLAGS!!! Ladies and Gentleman we are now at DEFCON 2.*** I told him I was working out and to hold off on calling for a bit. He proceeds to blow my phone up even more. Then come the "Where did you go? What did I do? Why don't you want to talk to me?" messages. He starts calling me Miss Vanish. ***MASSIVE RED FLAGS OVERLOAD!!!! WE HAVE REACHED DEFCON 1. Please retreat to your fallout shelters as nuclear war is imminent.*** Then today he texted me again telling me to un-vanish because he didn't want to talk to anyone else. An hour later he sends me a message through the website asking for insight and saying "WHY WON'T YOU TALK TO ME?" ***NUCLEAR FALLOUT!!! And it is now time to resort to official stalker deterrent protocol as previously instructed by the nice officer from the FCPD the last time I was being harassed telephonically by a desperate psycho who just didn't understand that I didn't want to talk to him.***

So I finally responded to the guy with this...

"Because you got weird the second I gave you my phone number and practically wanted some kind of commitment out of me within 10 minutes of our first and only conversation we've ever had when I don't even know you. I tell you I'm working out and you text me like 5 times in the space of 3 minutes when the normal response is typically "Ok. Hit me up when you're done.".. and then it is common practice to actually wait until I respond back instead of interrupting my workout. You are being way too eager, needy, and clingy with me and that has scared me off. I'm done. My best advice is that you chill out on the next one because any girl who responds to the kind of behavior you've exhibited towards me is probably a codependent psycho.. which would explain the girls you told me about. So there is your honesty since you couldn't just take my subtle hint. Please do not contact me further or I will be forced to block you. Thank you and best of luck."

His response was "Rofl"... Somehow I don't think spelling it out for him worked either and he will probably try again shortly... at which point I will be forced to go ahead and block him on the site and via the Sprint site for my phone which they have made so convenient.

I'm at a loss. I don't really feel like dealing with skeezy players who are just looking for a hookup and I DEFINITELY don't feel like dealing with anymore dudes like Mr. Desperate Soon-to-be-Blocked Psycho Stalker. I truly believe the normal guys have probably all gotten tired of this site too and gone back to the old way. But the old way sucks too. Where do you go? I don't want to meet the love of my life in a fucking bar. I go to church and it's all couples. I don't even think they have church singles mixers anymore. My friend Jeannie suggested one of those singles fun and activity adventure groups which sounds like fun but I can't find one near me where the members don't look super tragic. My mom suggested eHarmony which I actually haven't tried but I hear they hoodwink you on the matches. She said she would pay for whatever. She wants me to be happy and she also wants some grandkids so she's starting to get her serious Yenta on.. which I appreciate and am actually OK with.

Saturday when I was out with my mom we went to Michael's down the street from my house so she could load up on arts and crafts stuff. I had to go to the ladies' room. When I came out there was this hot guy standing in the line for Framing. His jaw dropped a little and he stared at me like I was some supreme vision of loveliness moving past him in slow motion. I looked back at him with a look on my face like "DAAAAAYYYYYYUUUUUMMMMM!!!!" I didn't know what to do though so I just kept walking. Maybe I should've smiled at him or something instead of trying to be subtle and play it cool. I think sometimes I play it too cool to my own detriment. I found my mom and I told her all about it. Then I saw him again when he was in the checkout line next to me and my mom. I was like, "That's him." I should've just walked up to him instead of being a chickenshit. It's been 4 days and for some reason I'm still stuck on it. He could've been my soulmate or at least a nice guy with some potential for a healthy, stable, long-term relationship. But then again if he's going to hardcore check me out the way he did, he should've chased me down and said something. My mom wouldn't have cared. She'd have probably helped his cause. We could've fell in love at first sight, gotten married, and had like a gazillion babies. I could see myself still wanting a piece of that and mauling him when I'm 80. THAT's how hot this guy was. I'm tellin ya. It could happen. They make movies about this shit.
Later that day I looked at Match.com, which I was on previously and didn't like. They want to charge you $120 for 6 months at like $20.99 per month. That is a lot of money. My mom is trying to offer it up but I told her to save it. I said to her, "You know what's free and probably way more effective? Growing a pair and walking up to the super cute guy who is staring at me at fucking Michael's and being like 'Hi I'm Niki'!" The moral of the story today ladies and gentleman is that we ALL need to grow a pair. It's time to stop hiding behind our technology and liquor and start approaching people like they did in the olden days before they had all this shit. Ya know what the only singles age group having any luck at finding love is? The fucking Baby Boomer divorcees and widowed people! They have balls and they go out and have a ball. They were dating long before we all had computers and cell phones and the internet so they did all this shit the old-fashioned way and it worked for them. It would work for us too if only we tried it. So the next time you see somebody cute checking you out who you also think is cute, walk up to them and talk to them. The worse that could happen is they'll say thanks but no thanks. The best thing that could happen is you end up meeting that special someone in a grocery store or Walmart or at fucking Michael's.


P.S. If by some random miraculous coincidence you are out there reading this post hot guy who was in the Framing line at Michael's in Fair Lakes this past Saturday afternoon which would've been 4/27/2013, then you should hit me up at AskMissSlik@gmail.com and introduce yourself so we can go for coffee or something.