More Adventures in Dating the Douchebags of PoF: Meet Metrosexual Magic Mike

So like a couple weeks ago I went out on a date with this dude whom I would also suggest avoiding or further subjecting to public scrutiny...

PoF Screen name: JJ1325
Real Name: J.J. aka James Alexander Jensen IV aka Metrosexual Magic Mike 

Why Magic Mike? Because whilst on our date, aside from springing on me that he used to be married (cause nothing puts me in the mood quite like hearing all about your divorce), he told me he used to be a male stripper several months ago... Yeah, it's not even so much the former occupation that bothered me as the description of his "act". 

Now get this... He loves rave music and all things rave. Like so much so that when we went downstairs and my friend who was spinning was playing house music, he kept repeating like every 5 minutes on the 5 minutes, "I just want to roll. I just want to pop a molly." OH MAH GOD dude, shut the fuck up about it! It's just Ecstacy. Do we need to make a special trip out to DC? I seriously wanted to smack the shit out of him and not in a dominatrix 'Call me Miss Veronika and lick my boot' sexual sort of way... more like in a 'dislocate your jaw so you won't be able to talk and can just sit there and look pretty like you're here to do' sort of way.

Anyway, bygones... You know those obnoxious glowy gloves that kandy kids like to wear to entertain themselves when they're rolling? Yeah, he apparently incorporated those into his act along with wearing some weird, glow-in-the-dark contact lenses. I spent the better part of the night trying to picture this act of his. All I can say is if I went to a male strip club ready to make it rain and I saw that shit come out on stage, I wouldn't be turned on. I'd be fucking terrified. Considering he couldn't liquid for shit, it probably was somewhat terrifying.

I wouldn't be able to take anyone seriously if they were grinding on me trying to give me a lap dance with little light-up gloves or glow sticks in my face and a Vick's inhaler in their mouths. Believe it or not, it has actually happened before... But I was at a rave at the time so, while I still didn't find it the slightest bit sexy, at least the context was appropriate. I was like 16 though so back then I just laughed and walked away. Nowadays, my response would be, "How much do I need to tip you to get off me and get that fireman with the big hose over there to replace you?"

Also, it just didn't help that dude showed up wearing a pink shirt and bootcut jeans with more detailing sparkly shit on the back pockets than the entirety of a tweenage girl's wardrobe. He claimed he was into fashion and defended his shirt because he thought I had bagged on it when I spotted him while we were on the phone trying to find each other at the beginning of the night. I told him it was just meant as a means of identifying him when I asked "Are you wearing a pink shirt?"

The reality is that I really was bagging on his shirt. But, Niki Slik don't love them hoes nor does she ever admit to making fun of them to their faces when she's trying to fuck them. Ask me anything and I will always tell you "Of course not baby. I love your shirt. I think everything that you wear is sexy. I just think it would look better on my floor." The last sentence about the floor was the only part that is actually true. (Somehow I feel like a rack dudes I used to be "special friends" with are somewhere out there going "That bitch!")

Yes fellas, men can wear pink. But just because you can do something doesn't necessarily mean that you should. What I secretly felt like saying was, "Holy God dude.. For real, this is a pool hall, not a One Direction concert." Now, I like my men pretty.. And believe me, this one was. He had a stomach I could do my laundry on. However, there is a line. I'm sorry for dimming your shine guys, but your outfits should never have more glitter, sequins, or shiny shit on them than the lady you are dating.

That was actually not the end of the interesting fashion choices. I have four words for you: DayGlo orange nut huggers... Hold up! Wait a minute! I'm pretty sure he referred to them as "tangerine briefs". It was too much. All I wanted to know was "Where are the snaps?" This was the only time I've ever wanted to do it with the lights off just to see if those MoFo's glowed in the dark.

But here's what really got me... When he left as soon as I closed the door, I heard a scream out in the hallway louder and higher pitched than any horror movie Scream Queen in history. I quickly opened my door thinking he'd fallen down the stairs or something... No... The screams were all because he clipped the spider web on the frame of my front door.

This dude is a 6'5", like 240 lbs, ex-soldier who went overseas two separate times to go kill people and he's deathly afraid of this teeny-tiny, harmless spider that built its little home outside in my doorway. He told me I should get rid of that thing. I thought about it briefly and decided against it. That spider has ensured all Summer that no flies have entered my apartment because it catches them in its web to eat for dinner. We have a win-win situation going.

I look at this way... That spider benefits my life every day. Dude barely benefited my life for a few hours. Why would I fuck up my karma by killing my door spider and destroying its home to please some dude I barely know who was a sub-par lay with an average sized penis? 

By the way... This advice is for the ladies, don't be fooled when a dude that tall tells you his penis is proportionate. I've been burned on that more times than I care to count. For the fellas, if you make it sound like you've got an elephant gun in your pants when all you're really packing is 9mm, I suggest you brace yourself for a look of extreme disappointment because it's coming. I may not be, but it definitely is.

On a sad note, I'm pretty sure the spider died the other day though and cocooned itself like Charlotte's Web. It's the closest thing I've actually had to a pet in several years so I'm kinda broken up about it. For real, I will genuinely miss that spider more than I will ever miss that dude. 

The moral of the story is: Fellas, here is yet another example of what not to do. Ladies, again, dude is still out there cruising. He'd probably make a decent "special friend with whom to have intelligent, interesting conversations". But quite frankly, he's really not the kind of guy you can take seriously for a multitude of reasons.

Also, a memorial service for Gray Door Spider will be held in my doorway tomorrow promptly at 12noon. In lieu of flowers, I will accept Extra Large Slurpees.

Saturday Day of Fun With My Mommy

So let me get into my weekend for a minute... My mom came down from Maryland on Saturday and we had a mother-daughter day of Awesomeness. I took her to get her hair did by our fave hairstylist Dina at LeShoppe in Reston Town Center.

Here is my mom with Dina after she did her hair. I still liked it better when Dina fro-ed it out like Diana Ross but this is excellent too. Best of all my mom is happy and Dina gave her exactly what she wanted, which is basically the job of a great hairstylist.. to do your hair exactly how you want it to look or as close to that as they can possibly get if what you want isn't realistically do-able.

Dina also trimmed up my bangs and made them look better than the lady who cut them before did. Guess how much it cost me for this bang trim? NOTHING.  I think regularly they are like $5-$10 but DO NOT quote me on that. But see, this is what I'm talking about with my blog. I'm a woman of my word on this getting of free stuff in exchange for shameless promotions. It's pretty easy though because I already have liked Dina for years and we are Facebook friends. She's a very nice person and talented hair stylist. I should know. She used to cut my hair before I started letting a girl I was friends with but am now no longer friends with start cutting it because I couldn't afford to go to Dina anymore... which was a sad day.

Here is what it used to look like when Dina cut it back around Summer of 2010.

See, she does a great job. Dina works very well with fine, wavy hair like mine and my mom's. We're of Lebanese and UK/German mutt descent so our hair is basically a cross between Arab wavy hair and white people fine hair so it doesn't tolerate a lot of styling techniques or hold unless you put certain kinds of product in it. My poor younger brother got the serious Arab hair though.. along with the good skin and good eyelashes. His hair is very thick and wavy. He can't use hair products for white people hair because they don't work. It took him years to discover that the only stuff that works are African-American hair products that some of his friends turned him onto when he went with them while they got their hair corn-rowed. But I digress....

If you would like to schedule an appointment with Dina here is the info:

LeShoppe at Reston Town Center

11934 Democracy Drive
Resto, VA  20190
703 435-5555

NOW....

The other thing I wanted to talk about is shoes. I went with my mom to Payless afterward because she wanted a new pair of the black flats she wore out... which she didn't end up replacing thanks to me because I talked her out of them. Instead I told her she should get a pair of neutral pumps that match her skin tone. I'm a big fan of the Today Show on NBC and watch it every morning while I'm getting ready for work. I noticed all the ladies on the show wearing neutral pumps that match their skin tones. Savannah Guthrie and Natalie Morales are fairer skinned so they wear nude colored heels. Tamarin Hall is light-skinned African-American so she wears light brown heels that match her skin tone. So depending on your skin tone you want to find something in the range of beige to brown that matches. They are a great staple for your work wardrobe because they look very nice and professional. They also match EVERYTHING and make your legs look longer. My mom is super happy. These heels pictured below are the ones I found at Payless for the bargain price of $20. For those of you out there who are too bougie for Payless, get over it. Payless makes the best heels for work. They all have cushioned comfort insoles so you can wear them for 10 hours without your feet hurting like a bitch. Plus if you scuff them up a lot, which is bound to happen if you're wearing them all the time for 10 hours at a time, they are cheap enough to easily replace. They will last for awhile though... definitely longer than some more expensive shoes I've bought at other places when I thought I was too bougie for Payless. More expensive shoes are not as easy on your feet and you will cry if you ruin them... Hence why I started buying my work shoes at Payless and saving my fancy, expensive shoes for going out. No lie though, I've found some super cute shoes there that I bought and wear out. Girls are like, "OH! You're shoes are SOOOOO cute!!! Where did you get them?!?" and I'm like "I bought them at Payless for mad cheap." Their jaws subsequently fall to the floor in shock and awe. True story.

Anyway, these came from the Payless at Fair Lakes Shopping Center where the Walmart and Target are right next to the giant DSW. I highly suggest you make a trip there particularly during their BOGO's and load up like it's your job.

WTF is Miss Slik's Guide to Gracefully Faking It Through Life ALL About Exactly?!?!

Now that the initial shock has worn off, I know you're DYING to find out.. Well then, let’s get down to some housekeeping for a sec. I’m all about bringing order to chaos… especially when that chaos is my own. So what am I going to do with this blog? The answer really is whatever the fuck I want. Before we go any further, be forewarned that I curse A LOT. Don’t lie, you know you do too. But if you have a problem with it then this probably isn’t the site for you. Just sayin. Moving on…

So this is a guide to life right? I’m a 29 year old single woman. If you are a single person in your late 20’s-early 30’s then you know exactly what that is like. All my friends are either married, married with kids, engaged, engaged with kids, or in serious relationships that are heading in that direction… OH WAIT! can't forget my bitter divorcee friends. But me, I'm all alone. It is Me, Myself, and I, Party of ONE. I’m the one at the singles table prowling the streets of the DC suburbs in search of my prince. I live in Fair Lakes which is a ridiculously expensive area so I’m ballin on a hardcore budget. How do I look so fabulous? By being one super thrifty MoFo! I will give you all my tips and tricks. I will also tell you how my ass both got to be and also how it has stayed a size 4 for the past 2 years because it wasn’t for a long time. Soooo most of my topics will center around things like dating, fashion and trends on a budget, fitness and diet tips, reviews of movies I’ve seen (not necessarily new ones since I’m not that cool), reviews on places I go to, reviews on products I try, stories of my random adventures, and various DIY projects because I get inspired to make things a lot.

Next, we’ll talk about dating. It sucks. I’ve been doing it since I was 15 and am convinced the only good things that can come from it are free food and drinks. It’s hard out there for a pimp and the reality is it is just getting harder the older I get. I’m on a dating website at the moment because the traditional way wasn’t really working out for me so I had to resort to finding dates on the internet. But whether it’s in a bar or online, I’m just not finding what I’m looking for. Somehow though, I remain eternally optimistic that I am not doomed to die alone. There has got to be somebody great out there. I’m just so tired of looking because this shit is freaking exhausting. It would be awesome if Mr. Right were to fall through my ceiling right now. God are you listening? Do you hear me? If you do then please send me a sign in 5-4-3-2-1-NOW…. And........ Nothing… If only it really were that simple. People I know you’re feelin me on this. Can I get a witness?

If I can be honest for a minute I will tell you my main motivation for starting this blog aside from having a little place all my own to dominate and air my every thought out, I WANT LOTS OF FREE SHIT!!! Yeah, I ain’t too proud to sell out so if you want to send me things to try out or send me to places or do things for me in exchange for some shameless promotions from me then please go right ahead and do that. When I say things and stuff the list includes, but is not limited too, beauty products, clothing, shoes, accessories, haircuts, manicures, pedicures, cool things for my apartment, tickets to events, recipes, food stuff, etc. If I like whatever it is then I will rep it like it’s my job because I truly believe in my heart that if something is good then EVERYBODY should know about it and use it. 

***For my readers-If you like my blog then please go to the very bottom of a post and look for the hyperlinks that say “SUBSCRIBE” and click on them. If you really like my blog then you should also hit those little hyperlinks that let you share it on various social media websites like Facebook, Twitter, Google+, etc. This is pretty crucial according to the research I did when I started this blog because it is the only way I will get free stuff to talk about and more importantly, how TIME Magazine will pluck my little blog from obscurity and rank it amongst the others and then declare it officially as the BEST BLOG EVER!

Finally, I encourage you to comment on the stuff I write so please feel free to find the little "Comments" sections at the bottom of each entry and have at it. I want to know what you think, how you feel, hear stories of your own experiences, and even call me out if you believe I'm full of shit or disagree with me IN A NICE WAY. I ask that you please be respectful to me and my readers when commenting because nobody likes a douchebag. Thank you in advance. Also, if you feel like hollering at me directly I've created a special email just for ya'll. It is AskMissSlik@gmail.com.

OK, now that our proverbial house is clean we can proceed from the general to the specific… Stay tuned because there is LOTS more to come! I’ve got some way cool things to talk about!