Adventures in Dating Douchebags: Meet Pusha C the Man Who Needs a Shirt

Seems like dudes just can't help themselves lately. I wasn't going to do a post about this one but I told some friends whahappin and they insisted that it needed to go in the blog.. Ask and you shall receive because Miss Slik always aims to please.

Here is yet another dude whom I would suggest avoiding or further subjecting to public scrutiny... Meet Colin S. Black aka Pusha C the Man Who Needs a Shirt...

Here is his Tinder profile...

See what I mean.. This dude is only wearing a shirt in 2 out of 6 pics. He's definitely nice to look at though and as I said in More Adventures in Dating Douchebags... Meet the Dumbass Who Definitely Should've Known Better he can actually get away with posting shirtless pics since he does have a stomach I could do my laundry on. But one or 2 shirtless pics is sufficient. The majority of your pics should be of you in clothes.

So I ran across this dude and swiped right because he was pretty to look at. He messaged me...

I'll admit that "unique beauty" thing was good. 

So over the next like week and a half, I was sporadically on Tinder to check my messages and swipe while I was bored because things weren't really progressing with Mr. Dreamy... who, by the way, probably won't be discussed in any further posts.. at least not favorably... The dreamy bloom of that rose has worn off and become a nightmare since he has pissed me off by blowing me off while I was, of all things, trying to attempt to sort things out and make plans to see him to give him money for my friends' presale tickets for his show he invited me to which I don't really see myself attending anymore. Even if we're just being friends this blowing me off shit still isn't even remotely cool and shows a lack of respect and consideration. Clearly, I am not the chick you want to do that to because I obviously don't take kindly to that sort of dickheadish behavior.

So I'll be buying my own 7-Eleven with my J.K. Rowling writing money and realizing my Infinite Slurpee Dream without his help and I will make sure the staff have explicit instructions not to sell him any burritos.. Because burritos are for people I like who treat me nicely when I'm spending my time and energy doing stuff like hitting up people in charge of said show about policies and making sure I'm legit with press credentials and shit so I can write nice articles about their bands.

Anyway.. Bygones.. Back to the story...  

During that time, Pusha C asked me out for drinks like 4-5 times. I kept saying "Sure" and then dropping the ball. Then last Thursday, I finally picked the ball up and he asked me out again so I gave him my number. We texted and made plans to meet up for drinks the next night at my Friday night karaoke spot. 

He asked me for pics so I added him on Facebook.. which is how I know his full name... Pretty sure the S stands for Sucker. Dude proceeded to go check out my profile and kept texting his thoughts on like every fucking pic on my profile. I didn't really check out his profile at that point because I was tired and ready to go to bed so I figured I'd do that later.

Well, I'm bored at work the next day and haven't heard from Pusha C to confirm plans yet. I go look at his Facebook profile to check it out and find that this fucker has defriended me! I'm like "What. The. Fuck?!"  The only reason I could think of that would explain him doing this shit was because he saw my Dating Douchebags posts I shared on my profile and thought he was next... Turns out he is.. But if that was the case he could have at least said something about it.

Here is his Facebook profile btw...

After seeing the defriending, I texted him like everything is cool and asked, "So are we still on for tonight?". I got no response to my text. I was only meh about this guy to begin with but being defriended and blown off definitely made me feel like a loser. I couldn't even make any other plans because it was like 6:00pm and everyone else was already committed to their own plans. I ended up kicking it at home with Felicity watching Grimm and passing out on my couch early... well, and exchanging some sexy texts with a certain close gentleman friend whom I've known for a few years now... Who you ask?

The Christian Grey of my life has returned! We started talking again earlier last week when I noticed some troubling Facebook posts and checked in on him. Turns out he is once again single and still about it. So now he's coming to visit me in a few weeks... and bringing the Red Room of Pain with him. I cannot think of a more awesome way to end what will be a verging on 7 month dry spell by then. 

He is the man I used to run to when other men disappointed me and made me feel shitty because he always makes everything better. He gorgeously scrumptious to look at, smart, funny, extremely well endowed and appreciates me and gets me in ways most people don't because we are very similar people. Thank God he is there once more to pick me up and pull me out from my loser misery cloud of shit I seem to find myself in so often. How I missed his charming wit and all those artistic dick pictures. Yeah, he puts all kinds of filters, uses props to scale, and even makes me erotic collages. He's the best ♡. Fellas, take a tip and send some stuff like that to your ladies. I guarantee you they will go bananas and give you that good porn star loving.

Anyway, as much as I'd like to go on about that because I could all day... Again.. Bygones.. Back to the story... 

So I woke up a bit later that night to these texts from Pusha C at 2:41am that I waited until the next morning, which would be last Saturday, to respond to...

Yeah, no fucking way. If a dude blows me off for plans, then 9 times out of 10 I won't make plans with him ever again because he's already demonstrated that he is unreliable and has no consideration or respect for me and my time. Also, that "careless finger pressing" is bullshit. You have to go through a process to defriend somebody on Facebook so it had to be intentional.

Well, next thing I know, my phone is ringing and it's Pusha C. So I answered and here is where shit gets ridiculous. Dude apologized again about the defriending on Facebook. I'm like "Dude, I don't know you and you don't know me. I have no reason to believe you and you have to appreciate the fact that I have a shitty track record when it comes to men because I am a douchebag magnet.. like so much so that I have a segment on my blog about it because I've met soooo many douchebag assholes that I had to turn it into entertainment and laugh at it so I didn't feel like a loser." He asked me "Wait, are you calling me a douchebag?" If the shoe fits dude. If the shoe fits.

I also said that his careless finger pressing still doesn't explain why he blew me off for the plans it was his idea to make in the first place that he persisted in making several times. This fool then apologizes for that too and tells me the reason he blew me off is because he went to happy hour and got blackout drunk and that he doesn't remember anything from about 5:00pm Friday night through waking up on Saturday morning.

Now ya'll know I can't really be too super judgey about him getting that drunk because, as you'll recall from my post Whahappin During My World of Drum and Bass Adventure?! I went into blackout mode myself a couple weeks ago. But, actually I can be judgey and here is why...

When I got blackout drunk, I was with the people with whom I had plans and they were fucked up too so I didn't blow anybody off. Plus, if you have plans to meet up with somebody for a date then it's not a good look to be showing up wasted anyway so it's probably not the best idea to do happy hour.. Why not go home and get fresh? 

Also, I only have a couple fuzzy hours in there that I don't remember from about 3:00am on. This dude was out for the count for his entire Friday night.. which raises some serious red flags for me. Finally, getting blackout drunk is typically not something I'd lead with when trying to impress somebody I want to date... nor is it a good excuse to use for standing that person up.

But wait... It gets even better.

Pusha C somehow thinks that his apology has sufficed and asks me to have drinks with him. I told him I was busy and had stuff to do on my Saturday and then my boys' hip hop show to go to that night.. which we will get into in Part 2 since this is a double post week.. YaY! 

Now during this conversation, I'm sniffling the whole time because I'm a nerd with bad allergies and it's Spring. I had actually just used my allergy nasal spray so I was having some snotty, post nasal drip issues. I also happened to be sitting outside smoking a cigarette so I guess he heard me inhaling and breathing out the smoke. This is when dude asks me if I'm high. 

I told him I was stone cold sober and about the allergy sniffles and shit and he just absolutely refuses to believe me and insists I must be smoking weed and says my voice even sounds like that of a stoned person. I'm like "Dude, I'm just fucking mellow right now." He tells me, "It's totally cool. It's legal in DC and I smoke weed too." I'm like, "That's cool. But I'm seriously not high. If I was I would tell you." 

He seems to finally kind of accept that I'm telling the truth. So then this dumbass tells me he has some weed and invites me over to his place to come smoke with him. I'm sitting there in fucking amazement like, did this dude I don't know and have never met in person in life ever just invite me over to his house to do drugs on a fucking Saturday morning?!? 

This is exactly how serial killer rapists lure in girls to do all that fucked up shit to them, kill them, and then stash their bodies. Now I'm not saying this guy is like that.. But since he's some strange dude I met off the internet, there is no way of knowing this for sure and I'm not exactly trying to find out. I definitely advise that for your own safety and well being you should NEVER EVER go over to the home of anyone you meet off the internet before you've met them in person in a public place and established that they are not psycho.

So I, of course, refuse this because I don't want to do drugs.. especially not with this guy.. nor do I want to end up on the news because police found my dead, mutilated body in a field somewhere or washed up on the shore of the Potomac. Remember all those after school specials you watched as a kid with D.A.R.E. and McGruff the Crime Dog and just say NO people... JUST SAY NO!

Well Pusha C still wants to have drinks with me and meet me and is trying to sweet talk me. I told him I'd think about it. He's like "I really want to meet you" and telling me I'm hot and sexy and shit and that he wants to see me in my naughty Santa outfit and rip it off me.

He's referring to this picture from both my Facebook and Tinder profiles... 

Yeah, I know. I am hot and sexy *brushes pimp dust off shoulders*

I told him, "First, no one is ripping that thing off me because it's expensive." So he replaces rip with "delicately remove". "Second, if you want that then you need to put in work and come correct because I don't let just anybody do that shit." He says he wants to put in that work... and then this fucker dares to ask me to send him a fucking naked picture of myself to beat off too! I tell him no fucking way. I'm not sending naked pictures to some douchey stranger. So he offers to send me one in return.. like that's going to make a difference. I told him not to do that because I didn't really want to see this fool naked.

I'm like, "Instead of focusing on my body and trying to get me naked and shit, why not try focusing on my brain instead? I actually have a pretty nice one." So that's when he starts saying all this shit about me being the total package and I'm like "You're damn right I am." He continued on and this is when I start thinking I just really need to get off the phone with this jackass. So I say some placating bullshit and then I end the conversation. Then I just sat there in amazement because that entire thing was fucking surreal.

Fellas, here is yet another example of what not to do. I feel like not getting blackout drunk and blowing chicks off when you have date plans, accusing chicks of being high when you don't know them, then offering them drugs.. when you don't know them, and then propositioning them for naked pics.. Again.. when you don't know them should have already just been an understood thing. But if you didn't know or needed clarification then now you have it. For real, that dude is 30 years old. If you're 30 years old you should know that shit by now.

Ladies, this guy is still out there cruising so if his profile comes up then do yourselves a favor and swipe left. You really don't need any of that in your life... And if he offers you drugs then JUST SAY NO! Do not go over to his house because you may potentially end up on the news when you're found in a ditch.

Finally, everyone.. Please cross your fingers for me and hope that there is not another installment of Dating Douchebags next week because your girl seriously needs a break from this shit.

More Adventures in Dating Douchebags... Meet the Dumbass Who Definitely Should've Known Better

So I haven't done one of these in FOREVER... Not because I haven't dated any douchebags.. Cause I've dated a bunch of douchey mofos since my last Dating Douchebags installment More Adventures in Dating the Douchebags of PoF: Meet Metrosexual Magic Mike.. But more because their douchebaggery just wasn't blatantly stupid and laughable enough to make for good blog fodder and whatever they did didn't annoy me enough to post about it.... Until now...

Here is another dude whom I would suggest avoiding or further subjecting to public scrutiny... Meet the Dumbass Who Definitely Should've Known Better aka Wes Grant... 

He's 31 and he's from around the Northern Virginia area. As far as I know he actually lives in Fair Lakes near me but he's apparently moving to Reston soon. I know this because he actually told me the other day during a text conversation. He also works in Accounting by day and does music on the side like me, is a dog owner like me, and even has red hair.. like me.. Clearly we have a lot in common and, one would think, we could potentially be very compatible to date or at least be friends... But apparently not. To be clear though, we actually never dated or even went out on one date or have even met in person ever.. We never got that far because he is a Dumbass.

For those of you who have been loyal readers of my blog since the beginning you may even remember him from my post a couple years ago Check This Out! Bonus Music for Your Monday... DMV Local Band - Madison Apart. He is the bassist for that band... 

Here is a pic of him in action that I pulled off their Facebook band page...

Quick sidenote... Just FYI, this is not the same band dude I mentioned in my post Miss Slik's Guide to Dating: The 3 Date Rule. That was Mr. Dreamy and he's a guitarist for a different local band. Pretty sure I won't be blowing him up any time soon.. if ever.. for 2 reasons. The first, I'm still possibly trying to bang him at some point in the hopefully not too distant future and maybe cultivate him into a "special friend with whom I have interesting and intelligent conversations" if he stops acting so sadiddy and gets with the program. Pretty sure publicly dissing him on the interwebz would be counterproductive. The second reason is because when his band gets super famous (which I believe could actually happen) he's totally going to buy me a 7-Eleven because I told him he has to so I can have access to infinite slurpees for the rest of my life. I want my Infinite Slurpee Dream dammit! There is also the secret 3rd reason, which is that I actually like him as a person and he's fun to talk to about stuff... most of the time. He actually gave some input to help with the blog revamp the other day which I appreciate. But, since I do get that I'm such a man eater it may be hard to keep all my dudes straight, I figured I should clarify that.

Anyway... Bygones... Back to the story...

So, I first encountered this fool on PoF like 3 years ago I think. I don't remember who messaged whom first... I think it was me. But I do remember that we had a lovely conversation about a mutual fave show Eastbound & Down. He seemed cool.. I thought we were getting along.. and then dude just dropped the ball. Not sure why.. But I've come to find out this is just his M.O.. 

Here is his PoF profile...

Quick sidenote... Dudes who do not have dope torsos with stomachs I could do my laundry on should really refrain from posting shirtless bathroom selfies of themselves. I get that he's trying to show off his tattoos but he should have resisted that urge.

I've run across this dude on like 3 other dating websites since then in the past few years.. We talk. Seems cool. Drops ball. Last week I was bored and getting my Tinder swipe on when I ran across him again. I swiped right and found he'd already swiped right on me. I decided to send him a message saying something to the effect of "Since we keep running into each other on all these dating websites maybe we should just actually finally meet up in person for a drink."

Here is his default Facebook profile picture by the way.. It's actually the same as his default Tinder profile picture.. which I would show you if he hadn't unmatched me...

Anyway, he responded to my message about 20 minutes later and agreed and asked me when I was available. I told him whenever because since he lives like down the street I'm pretty sure I could find an hour or 2 to drag my happy ass to one of the many nearby bars. He told me he was busy with band shit all week but that he'd hit me up Friday to make plans for the weekend. 

Then I gave him my number so we could sort it out and advised him not to wait until Friday to book time during the weekend because every time I say I have no plans, inevitably I immediately get hit up by a rack of people asking me what I'm doing. It's true. Believe it or not, I'm actually kind of dope and fun and people like hanging out with me... And I was right to advise that because right after I told him that my Friday got reserved for World of Drum and Bass... We'll get into that fun later.. I promise. This week will be a 2 parter because I HAVE GOT to tell ya'll whahappin to me last Friday.

He texts me later that day and we talk about tacos and what we both do for a living and whatnot. He says he has to go because he's about to head into the gym to workout... This is always what he's about to do. I have dated personal trainers who do nothing but work out for a living and somehow they found the time to text. I also work out and yet manage to have text conversations. So basically I think that's bullshit. Plus judging by that pic on his PoF profile I'm kinda thinking this dude never works out... and if he is then he's doing it wrong cause my guns are bigger than that.

Well Friday and the weekend came and went and dude did not hit me up like he said he would. I was busy being a maniac at World of DnB and then dead to the world recovering for the rest of the weekend so I kinda didn't really think about it or notice. I was way too hurt up to care.

On Monday I was kinda bored and hyper and having a moment so I hit him up. He is, again, about to head into the gym. He then, again, asks me what I'm getting into this week and when I'm free. I told him I currently had no plans other than going to Transit on Wednesday for my boy's birthday (shoutout to Ricardo aka Naughty Bitz.. Happy Birthday Ricardo!!!! ♡♡♡). He tells me that Wednesday is actually his only free day so I invited him to Transit. He said that would be too late for him since he has to be at work at 7am. So we agreed to get dinner before I went to Transit instead. He says he'll hit me up then and I'm like "You know you could keep talking to me in the meantime right?" He says he will... But hours go by and no text.

So the next day, which would've been Tuesday, I realize while I'm looking for an old post on How I Tricked Out My Blog so I can remember how to change my header pick to the new MSG2L graphic, I find that I had done that post about his band a couple years ago. I texted him the link and told him about it. In the meantime, I go respond to some Tinder messages and swipe a little cause I'm bored.. and much to my surprise this mofo comes up for swiping.. which shouldn't happen since we were already matched.. So I go check my messages and his thread is gone.. This piece of shit dumbass motherfucking douchebag had the nerve to unmatch me!? What a fucking tool?!?!

Well like a half an hour later, he responds to my text with, "Haha nice! That was a fun video to make." I ask him if there are any more recent ones cause I'm pretty sure there aren't... No response... Probably cause he damn well knows there aren't any recent ones... and now I know for sure too because I checked YouTube. For someone who is so super busy with band shit you'd think he'd have more to show for it. Mr. Dreamy gets all pissy and short and tells me he's busy with band shit too.. which I'm apparently supposed to magically know by osmosis that I'm interrupting with my ill-timed offers of sex and burritos like I stalk him... But the difference is when he says it I actually believe him. 

All this non-responsive shit kinda brings me to my breaking point though. In the same day I'm also dealing with Mr. Dreamy being all elusive and douchey on top of this other guy I used to date last year texting me because he's trying to rehash things I'm pretty sure I don't want to rehash (we may get into that later)... Meanwhile I just want to actually go out with a dude who isn't blowing me off for some unknown reason, acting like a dick that just left me hanging during an intimate conversation, or being a Stage 3 Clinger who isn't quite getting the hint that I'm just not feelin it at this juncture.

So in my annoyed state, I text this dude, "So at the risk of coming off like 'that girl', should I actually plan my day around us meeting up tomorrow evening or no? I'm kinda getting the vibe you're not that about it.. Either that or you're just really not the best texter." Seems kinda bitchy and maybe would turn some dudes off but whatever. At least I gave him an out... And this dude still doesn't respond! Then Wednesday comes and goes.. No text from him, no call, no Tinder message, no carrier pigeons, smoke signals from down the street... Nothing... Not that I'd really expected it and probably would've fallen over in shock had he actually hit me up like he said he would.. But whatever. Fuck that dumbass toolbag.

Fellas, if you're not that into a chick then don't ask her what she's doing and attempt to make plans with her.. Not even once, but TWICE.. It's rude and inconsiderate.. And if you do make plans and you change your mind for whatever reason then you should at least be courteous and let her know you want to cancel. If you need to, make up an excuse.. Not that you're sick or have to work late or anything that would invite rescheduling.. Make it finite and permanent like you're moving to Antarctica or you've decided to convert to Islam and run off to join ISIS or that you have a microscopic penis (cause I'd definitely be out) or that you died... Or you could just grow a pair and tell her you're such an asshole that you can't even be bothered to follow through with plans you contributed to making twice because you're just not interested in her and do not want to meet her in life ever at all.

Normally, I wouldn't care if some dude was acting like this dumbass because I have other shit to do and a plethora of other men around who would love to have food and drinks and whatnot with me. But here is why this dude is so fucking stupid for pulling this shit...

This dude's name is Brett...

Now Brett and I came across each other on PoF too shortly after I first encountered the Dumbass. We were chatting in a friend way for a bit.. I wasn't really interested in him like that but he was cool to talk to.. Brett is or was or may even still be Dumbass's roommate. When he messaged me I noticed pics of the Dumbass and told him I'd talked to that guy before. But Brett is the reason I know that they lived down the street and about the band and whatever. He's the same Brett I shouted out in that post. Now Brett is also the guy who started that trend of dudes who are scared to date me because they are overly concerned they'd do something stupid and I'd blow them up on my blog.. Many have followed since who shared that fear but he was the first.. and the reason I had not done a Dating Douchebags installment since. 

This dude, and Mr. Dreamy actually, are in a very tiny group of dudes who bothered to show a genuine interest in me and something I do and take the time to actually read my blog. That action in and of itself pretty much guarantees you will probably never be featured in this particular segment because I know you'll actually read it. I also make it a point not to publicly out people by name that I actually have real talks with and give even a fraction of a shit about even if they really piss me off. I just refer to them by nicknames or "(insert generic clarifying reference here) dude". Those other guys knew I had a blog but never cared enough about me or anything I do in any real way where I would know they actually read the posts about them.. and if they did I've never heard from them about it. The subject of this one might. But ask me how much I care. He deserves it.

Dudes are worse than women sometimes.. They get together and gossip like clucky little chickenheads. These dudes were roommates who were on the same dating website that ran across the same chick. I'd bet money Brett told Dumbass about my blog and those Dating Douchebag posts. I also gave Dumbass the link to my blog the other day and I'd again bet money he didn't bother to read more than that one post about his band.. If he had he'd have either followed through and we'd have met up.. or he'd have pulled a Chandler and told me he was moving to Yemen. Either way, he's a fucking idiot who should've known better.

Fellas, especially those of you in your late 20's or older, here is yet another example of what not to do. If you come across a chick who is nice and cool and tries to hang out with you and you decide you're just not interested for whatever reason then show some testicular fortitude and text her pretending to be your mom and tell her you're in a coma. 

Ladies, this dude is still out cruising on at least Tinder and also still PoF because I just pulled those screenshots of his profile earlier today. Clearly he is a flake with no balls who lies about going to the gym and being busy with band shit. You don't really need that in your life. If you know him and have a date scheduled then I'd advise telling him you're in a coma.

Finally, everyone, just remember that dumbass douchebag tools who should know better don't deserve your mercy. Don't waste your time being considerate of anyone who shows a lack of regard for your time because it's disrespectful of you. People are busy and ain't nobody got time for that shit. Plus I think we're all a little too old at this point to act like or deal with dickheads. 

Miss Slik's Guide to Dating: The 3 Date Rule

So I'm always gone for a minute, but I think ya'll are used to that by now so I'm just going to stop apologizing for it. Still doesn't mean I don't feel bad and love you and blah blah blah... But sometimes I need breaks to find new inspiration for shit so I'm not boring you or flipping out when I'm dealing with drama and making things worse in my everyday actual life by blasting people on the internet. Anyway...

Ok... So when last we left off, in Miss Slik's Dating Advice: The 48 Hour Rule we explored the question of how long you should wait when the person you've been talking to stops talking to you before you move on. Well, today kids I'm going to weigh in on another pressing dating question that plagues women everywhere every day including tonight since it is a date night... How long should you wait before you have sex with somebody you've just started dating?

In this day and age of a million dating sites and apps and whatnot, if you are a single person you could probably successfully line up at least one date for every night of the week. I know because I've done it and between nice dinners and nice leftovers haven't had to go food shopping for weeks at a time. But I needed a way to weed out the ones who were actually worth more than just some nice leftovers. I also can't bang my way through the internet for a multitude of reasons. So I came up with my own rule where I arbitrarily decided that I would give up the goodies after a certain number of dates.

Speaking of which, this particular post was sort of inspired by the date I went on last weekend with the latest dude I've been "talking to" who I did meet through Tinder. Now I told him this post wasn't about him.. and it's not.. which alleviated his momentary anxiety when I told him I was writing a blog article since he knows about my dating douchebags segments. However, I did not say that he was not mentioned nor did I say I wouldn't discuss our date sooo...

And the date went Ok.. I guess. He isn't my usual type, but he's definitely very cute.. like so dreamy I just want to put a poster of him above my bed and draw star hearts on it. He's a guitarist in a local band so we have the music thing in common. We also both like to read and have fairly unique personalities. However, he did go on this rant when I asked him about his last relationship and said things to the effect of thinking he was genetically predisposed to not having deeper feelings for people and also that he's not a big fan of monogamy... all of which I think is bullshit and something he should never tell another woman ever again ESPECIALLY on a first date whether he honestly believes it or not. To me it came off kind of like that episode of Seinfeld where Elaine is talking to Jerry's virgin girlfriend about how guys plan exit strategies during dinner by saying shit like "Yada yada yada.. I have to get up super early tomorrow."

Under normal circumstances, I'd run. But, after he finished his rant, we did have an interesting discussion about metal cards and stock portfolios and yachts and shit that got me kinda hot cause on some level I am a money bitch.. which then lead to subsequent fun after we left the restaurant... where I then discovered we have another thing in common. He has a big dick and as ya'll know I am a huge fan of dudes with big dicks.. Totally had to go in on that.

However, I don't fuck on the first night... anymore (For those of you out there laughing right now because you know me well, you're right and shut the fuck up).. So I managed to maintain some self control and refrain from letting him go all the way. He tried though and he's sneaky so this definitely tested my level of restraint in ways you can't imagine especially since I'm in the midst of a 5 month dry spell.. Bygones... While we were getting slightly intimate though, I was debating on whether or not I should tell him about my Three Date Rule. I didn't. So if he reads this then I guess now he'll know and he better because there will be a quiz at the end.

For real, there are a lot of scandalous, creeper dickheads out there who have massive, deep-rooted psychological issues that run more games than Charles Town Races and Slots. There are also a lot of noncommittal dudes with Peter Pan syndromes who just don't know what they want and feel like they need to sample everything before they finally make up their minds (Pretty sure dude is in the latter category)... But being dudes, they aren't going to turn down sex if you just offer it up like it's nothing. So I don't make the offer... I just dangle it at a future finite point and let them decide if they want to meet the criteria I set forth to get it in.

This one is a toughy because the truth is there isn't really any exact right amount of time to wait since everyone and every relationship is different. Some people, including myself, have had sex on the first night and it resulted in a long term relationship. Others, again including myself, have banged people on the first night and have never heard from them again... or have had to involve the FCPD to get them to leave me alone.

There are also several schools of thought which dictate appropriate amounts of time for various reasons...

Some people of the religious variety choose to wait until marriage... I am not one of those people and if you're reading this you probably aren't either. There is nothing wrong with that if you are though because sex can lose its magic specialness when you have too much of it too soon with shitty people who ruin it for you. But if you're going to wait then you had best make damn sure you pick a great one or you've just shot that waiting all to hell.

Millionaire Matchmaker, Patty Stanger, says you should wait to have sex until you are in a committed, monogamous relationship. There is merit in that. People don't have to commit to you while you're casually dating around and there is no harm in getting to know somebody while they explore their options and you explore yours. Then if you decide that you want to be together you can have that exclusivity discussion and whatnot. But in the meantime, just don't put yourself in a situation where that is going to make a difference to you by fucking them. However, getting to that point takes time.. during which you're not getting any.. which may or may not appeal to you.

The rule is also subjective in that it doesn't put a finite wait time on it. Plus there is no stipulation regarding the level of commitment... other than committing not to fuck other people. I don't need a promise of eternal togetherness before I bang a dude.. In fact, offering me that prematurely will send me running. Personally, I refuse to commit to anyone until I've taken them for a test drive. I'm sorry, but good sex is an extremely important part of a healthy romantic relationship. So if dude can't put it down in the bedroom properly then I could really give a fuck about how great every other aspect is in said relationship.

Then, if we refer to my favorite dating Bible "Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man", my dating guru Steve Harvey says you should abide by the "Three Month Rule". I have 3 words for that... NO FUCKING WAY. No fucking way am I staying celibate for 3 whole months. I'm already in a 5 month dry spell and getting damn close to fucking the wall. If I add 3 more months to that people could die. However, this rule does have merit as well because it has a clear timeline and places more value on your cookie jar. If a man is willing to wait and get to know you for 3 whole months without sex then he has earned your benefits you offer... like a job.

I went ahead and cut that down and instead of 3 months, I decided 3 dates is sufficient.

The THREE DATE RULE:
The three date rule stipulates that no sexual intercourse will take place prior to the end of the third date activity. Upon return from said third date activity then sexual intercourse can and probably will take place (provided you didn't manage to turn me off on the 3rd date, which has happened a few times).

That means we go out on 1, 2, 3 actual dates and do shit and then when you bring me home you can have whatever is on the menu... and my menu is like The Cheesecake Factory menu. It's several pages long. There really isn't much that's not on it and it definitely has at least one special thing to please just about everyone.

So why did I arbitrarily decide that 3 dates is the magic amount of time? Well, they say that one is just one, 2 is a coincidence, and 3 is the establishment of a pattern. Plus, personally, I think a 3 Date Rule is pretty standard. Also, if you're actually paying attention to someone then you can learn a lot about them in just 3 encounters.

It's not just about the getting to know someone though. It's also about demonstrations of worth. Referring back to "Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man" there is a part that talks about placing a high value on yourself. If I'm not worth a few plates of food to you then why the fuck would I give you the entire Cheesecake Factory menu?! Let me break it down even further though because I do in fact place a super high value on my vagina and here is why...

I call my pussy "The Truth" because YOU can't handle it! I'm not sure what it is about my vagina that somehow turns seemingly normal, well-adjusted dudes into psychos and drives sane dudes to the point of needing involuntary commitment to psychiatric facilities. But, it is possible that, perhaps unbeknownst to me, my vagina smells like sunshine and flowers, tastes like candy, is covered in glitter (that I do actually know about), contains the Holy Grail, has unicorns fly out of it, hides the entrance to the magical land of Narnia, and is the key to eternal happiness and everlasting world peace.

This is why the overwhelming majority of men I have had sex with always come back for more... even if I don't want them to. I also worked hard to hone the skills on that menu and take great pride in demonstrating said skills on those who have earned it. Not to mention I'm just super awesome as a person in life. Why would I not expect food and activities and your time in return for all that? Can't be giving that shit away for free to unworthy douches who did not put in work to earn it.

Now that's not to say that you need to refrain from all intimacy on Dates One and 2. I'm no virgin and my Three Date Rule by no means is about being prude. There is nothing wrong with what I like to call "Previews". Go ahead and give him a sample of what you're working with that leaves him wanting more. Show him how you mind those stepchildren. See if he returns the favor. Previews aid in your decision of whether or not you'd like to have that 3rd date.. Cause if he ain't packing and/or putting the spit shine on it properly then we ain't going out again.

As far as the timeline for this goes, the 3 dates do have to be on 3 separate days. I say this because I've been asked by dudes if they can get all 3 dates in in one day. No, you can't. They need to be on 3 separate days. But, there is no stipulation as to the spacing of those days. They could be in a row or several days or weeks apart. So, basically if I meet a dude tonight and he takes me out Saturday, Sunday, and Monday then we could in theory be fucking by Monday night because he would've met the criteria. I will warn you that doing it in what I call the "Crash Course Way" can have its drawbacks and benefits. That is a lot of me and a lot of you in just 72 hours and we will get to know each other very well. By the 72nd hour, you'll either love me or I'll have killed you.

With any rule there are also loopholes... I refer to mine as "The Red Lobster Loophole". Everyone knows I'm a total slut for Red Lobster. Take me to Lobsterfest and buy me lobster and you can have whatever you want any way you want any time you want. It's cool. But, I don't let just anyone take me to Red Lobster. Some dudes who know that have asked and I've been like "Nah, I don't think so. I need to get to know you better before we involve cheddar bay biscuits in this scenario."

Red Lobster is usually a suggestion of a dinner date place I make that let's a dude who does know what that means know I'm trying to let him get it. Sometimes I'm not feelin RL though so I have a couple other equivalent places like Sakura. Add to my porcelain cup collection and it is so on. Ruth's Chris is also another place cause good steak always puts me in the mood.

The other loophole would be if we ran off to Vegas the night we meet and get married. In that case, I would definitely say we've satisfied Patti Stanger's criteria of being in a committed, monogamous relationship which means we can consummate the shit out of our marriage and then go do some gambling. But I have only run across like maybe one guy ever that I'd have actually considered doing that with so I wouldn't bank on using that loophole.

Anyway, the Three Date Rule has worked for me so far. You'd be surprised how few of the dudes have actually made it to the 3rd date though. Usually they kill it by the 2nd.. So prepare yourself to be a little frustrated. Also, just because a dude makes it to the end of a 3rd date doesn't necessarily mean you need to give it up if you're not ready. This rule is really more about validating behavior without feeling like a hooker. So if that's you and tonight just happens to be your 3rd date with someone then remember to shave your legs beforehand and get it gurrrl! In the meantime, current dude still has a couple more dates to get out of the way before he enters my magical land of Narnia so we'll see how that plays out.