Who the Fuck is this Bottom-Feeding Losery Stalker Groupie Douche?!?

So apparently I did not get the memo that today is National Act Like a Douchey Fucktard Toward Niki Slik Day.. I'm already dealing with some other bullshit and this wackass fucker decides to stalk my semi-abandoned DJ profile and post comments that, while I find amusing, are just extra.

The first one was this below.. which I'm not mad at. In fact, I take it as a compliment. I am fine as fuck and I know lots of dudes who'd love to get up in my ass because I have a nice ass. However, it is somewhat inappropriate to post on my DJ page. If you're really trying to get it, that is something you should privately message me about. Just sayin.

However, the second comment he made several minutes later was what made me be like What. The. Fuck? I deleted if off my page and then kicked myself for not screen-shotting it first. But thank God for email that even includes pics. Nothing you post on the internet is ever really gone.

Technically, he's not wrong... It's just that any time prior to today when a dude has called me something like that, it's typically been behind closed doors while I had a mouthful of their cock and was meant in a much more loving, encouraging way. I tend to call them thoroughly degrading names as well while they return the favor... also out of love and encouragement because dudes like that shit. It's all in good fun.

 For real though, can't I be both an iconic social figure and a dick-slurping whore? I consider myself both and I don't think that's a bad thing. A lot of men would find that awesome and it explains why I'm such a catch. What dude can't appreciate a multi-talented woman with a massive love of giant D? Any dude who has been on the receiving end of my fellatio seems to love that about me.

I'm pretty sure dick-slurping whore is actually listed among my many credentials. If not, I'll take that oversight under advisement. But obviously this talent and fondness is more of a recreational past time than one I've used for business purposes to advance my music career. I do kick myself for not being more of a dick-slurping whore in the rave/club scene though because I'd probably be a super famous world-touring DJ and producer by now if I had been... or at least a lot further along than I am.

Anyway, here is this dumb fucker's Facebook profile...

He's actually somewhat tragic looking with bad skin, kind of a jacked face, and an outdated emo haircut.

I'm just trying to figure out who this dude is and why he felt the need to internet stalk my DJ page to make comments. Clearly I must be an iconic social figure who has truly reached at least D-Level celebrity status to necessitate stalker groupie activity. 

 It's pretty obvious he has a small penis. I'm wondering if maybe I refused to slurp his dick based on the inadequacy of his endowment and laughed in his face while I was drunk because he asked me if it was big enough for me like he expected it was the biggest dick I've ever seen (like the Mayor of Titty City) or something thus offending him to the point he felt the need to stalk my page and embarrass me I guess. I'm actually trying to be better about that.

It seems further investigation is required so I will be tagging the 2 mutual friends I share with this random, small-dicked loser fan to see if they can perhaps shed some light on what this dude's major malfunction might be. Funny thing is, I'm not exactly sure how I know both of them either.

"Conducting an Online Investigation" of a Dude Today...

So recently I started talking to this dude Scotty who is the lead singer of a rocksteady reggae band out of DC called The Shifters. He hit me up several weeks ago on the dating website I'm on and was all impressed that I'm a DJ and wanted to get to know me and blah blah blah.

During one of our initial conversations, I told him if he was trying to see me naked then he'd have to take me on a couple dates and woo me. He said something like "Well in my book a couple is two and I could woo you by singing to you. That could be accomplished by taking you to dinner and then taking you to one of my band's shows." I was like "In my book a couple is really a few which is like three. The odds of me wooing you by singing to you are significantly higher. And the date you described counts as one date, but going to your gig doesn't count as a date since you'd technically be working."

This response apparently made me a worthy advisary in his eyes because he began to understand that his usual tricks he uses on groupies and regular girls don't work on me. I'm also a musician and I've watched my male musician friends holler at chicks at shows for years so I always laugh when male musicians try to use the same lines on me. I told him, "It's like Superman trying to mack on Wonder Woman." The difference is female musicians' tricks are universal and work on anybody because all I have to say is, "I'm a DJ." All dudes, even dudes who are also DJ's, are total suckers for that line. No lie, it works every time.

We were trying to make plans to meet up and it didn't quite work out... Here is whahappin... A couple Saturdays ago we were going to go listen to music and get drinks. But he was too tired after recording in the studio all day, which I totally understand. He asked me if I wanted to meet up the next day instead and go hiking. Not really... I'm not going hiking with a strange dude I've never met. Plus it was like 90+ degrees outside with high humidity and I wasn't trying to look like a sweaty, frizzy, hot mess on a first date. I'm outdoorsy in the sense that I like to go to the pool and get drunk on patios.

The next morning he texted me and asked if I wanted to meet at the mall... like we're in high school. He was like, "Except now we can actually go into stores and buy stuff.. like a new hat for me." Uhhhhhhh... WHAAAAAAAATTTTTT?!?!?! Do I look like a 15 year old groupie who wants to follow you around the mall while you go hat shopping? Does this approach work on other women? Not happening.

Well, then I talked to my neighbor Wanda about the situation and felt bad for having said No. Wanda is like Yoda, except that she's tall, blonde, skinny, and Russian. She said to me, "You should go! You go try on hats, take a picture..Oh we're soooo cute! Oh! look at that dress it would look so cute on me! Oh Maggiano's I'm so hungry. Then you get a new dress and dinner and you make him pay for it all, not because you are a materialistic bitch, but because you are setting up a standard for the relationship. You need to let a man be the man because they like that stuff."

She went on to say something to the effect of... "Everyone deserves to have some happiness in this world so you have to twist the situation to your benefit to make you happy." She's totally right. So I kicked myself for the rest of the day because I should've gone. The day she outlined actually sounded fun and I wished I'd have not been so quick to shoot it down.

Anyway, I didn't hear from him again until this past Saturday night. He texted me to say hi while he was away at some wedding (hopefully not his own because I've been coming across some super scandalous douches who would do stuff like that). I was like "I thought you blew me off because I didn't want to go hat shopping?" Guess not. So apparently he is going to hit me up some time this week when he's back in town. I'm holding my breath as we speak.. no, not really.. but kind of... I was drunk and I'm sure he was drunk so hopefully he remembers doing it.

But what I am doing is some internet stalking or as I prefer to call it, "conducting an online investigation." I told him to add me on Facebook and he hasn't yet, which would make this process easier. Guess it would make it easier for him too since I post links to the blog all over my profile... much like I will be posting this one, which would then blow up my spot. My official stance on everything though is still always "Niki Slik doesn't catch feelings."

However, I googled him and his band and also found videos on YouTube. I'm bored so these YouTube videos are actually keeping me entertained and giving me something to listen to whilst I do my actual day jobby stuff. Unfortunately it's not letting me add the good ones I really like. Here are a couple though just to give you an idea.. Just go on YouTube and look up The Shifters and you'll find a ton.

It's funny because now I'm sitting here like a 15 year old groupie all giddy and stupid. Damn that boy can sang! For real, he looks super cute in those videos and actually could woo me by singing to me. In fact, I think I'm pretty much already wooed as it is. That man could sing the phone book to me all day. I should have sucked it up and gone hiking and hat shopping and whatnot. The moral of the story is: I'm a freaking moron. Hopefully he hits me up this week.