More Adventures in Dating the Douchebags of PoF: Meet The Mayor of Titty City

So like a month ago I went out on a date with this dude whom I would suggest avoiding or further subjecting to public scrutiny...

Pof Screen name: BlueOneD

Real Name: Derrick Hess aka The Mayor of Titty City

How do I know he's the Mayor of Titty City? Because he told me at dinner... He was at his cousin's bachelor party down in Tennessee the week before, got drunk, and was yelling out "I'm the Mayor of Titty City!!!" the whole night. Apparently this is something he is prone to doing every time he gets drunk... EXACTLY what a girl who just met you wants to hear when she's about to take you to a public place for drinking where people she's known for a long time will be.

For those of you who know me and are like "That sounds familiar" but have not yet made the connection, this is the dude I brought with me to Transit at Redzone several weeks ago.. the one who almost left me stranded at the end of the night.. Oh yeah, he also almost left me at the bar because he said he couldn't find me. I'd lost my phone and he didn't try very hard to find me.

A few things....

One, this is for the fellas.. If you're going to whip out your dick at the end of the night DO NOT EVER ASK A GIRL IF IT'S BIG ENOUGH FOR HER AND ASSUME YOU HAVE THE BIGGEST ONE SHE'S EVER SEEN. Unless you are the reincarnation of John Holmes then the answer is probably No. In this case, my special friend with whom I'd been having interesting and intelligent conversations a few days prior had him beat by A LOT. I had to grab a half-mouthful of cock to keep from laughing uncontrollably in his face.

It's funny because in the car on the way to Transit this dude was talking about how he only dates super hot girls with fake boobs. Well, I'm hot but I don't have fake boobs. My boobs are real and they are nice. I don't want fake boobs. But this fucker gave me a complex for like 3 days over whether or not I was super hot enough to date him. Apparently I'm hot enough to sort out as a booty call in advance though. The reality is that I'm really shallow and a supreme Size Queen and this dude did not meet my standards of aesthestic perfection nor size requirements regarding the size of his endowment.

At least I'm not a scandalous, cheating, materialistic bitch... like his previous/current girlfriend. He claimed he got out of a relationship back in April... Obviously the truthfulness of this statement is up for debate. He said they couldn't stand each other and it was a purely physical relationship. He also said that these super hot girls with fake boobs are generally out banging half of Arlington whenever they have a fight. 

I told him he didn't really have to worry about me ever going out and fucking half of Arlington.. not because I'm not prone to being kind of a hooker at times.. But more for these 2 reasons: 

1) I don't really fuck with Arlington much anyway. A lot of Arlingtonians (slow your roll if you live there because I didn't say all) are bougey douches who look down on us Fairfaxians like we're low rent just because we pay slightly less for more square footage. Don't hate just because we're smarter and don't feel the need to be so close to DC we could suck it's proverbial dick every night. 

2) Why would I ever bang half or all of a city to make you jealous when just banging one dude you're already jealous of to begin with will do just fine? Obviously that is some unnecessary hookeriness committed by dumb bitches who clearly don't understand the concept of proper revenge nor fear racks of rampant STD's.

Second, again for the fellas... Money is important but it's not everything. Flashing stacks of cash and/or talking about money the whole time we're on a date is a super low rent thing to do and also a massive turn-off. The only thing I care about is that I'm not paying for our initial dates because you are courting me. Beyond that, keep it to yourself for awhile.

This dude went on and on and on about his money and his family's money. All I could think is did your family win the lottery last week? It's a very nouveau riche thing to do. People who are used to having lots of money don't really feel the need to discuss it in such great detail. They just show up in an expensive car and pay for things and call it a day.

Not only that, but he actually invited one of his boys to come meet up with us at Redzone. This dude was a snarky, broke toolbag who was trying to holler at my friends but refused to buy them drinks. Turns out he wasn't the one paying for his own. Derrick covered that whole bar tab. WHAAAAAAAATTTTTT???? All I want to know is does this dude normally suck Derrick's dick at the end of the night too? It's possible. 

Clearly this dude did not get the memo that the only snarky, broke bitch who was supposed to be on this date was me. Also, I'm not sure what dude invites his boy out on a date with a girl and then pays for him. Guess he not only feels the need to buy the affection of women but also the loyalty and friendship of his boys. That's really sad and pathetic.

The whole situation just wasn't very impressive. He's a bartender at Bungalow Billiards in Alexandria and an E5 in the Army. I probably make more than he does but you don't hear me going on. In fact, the only time I talk about money is when I'm broke, like right now because I just dropped a rack of money on my car.

Third, also for the fellas... ALWAYS assume that EVERY WOMAN you meet is a scandalous, investigatory bitch who could put any man who works for both the CIA and FBI to shame any day of the week. DO NOT lie about dumb shit like the existence of your Facebook profile to conceal the fact that you have a girlfriend and assume we won't find out.

While we were at Transit, one of my friends brought up Facebook profiles and Derrick said something about not having one because "He kills people for a living." Pssshhhhh! This little piece of advice is for the ladies: Don't believe the fucking hype girls.This dude is not a damn assassin for the US Government. He's a Combat Engineer in the US Army. He has killed people... in freaking Afghanistan.. not here or in the Sudan or something. I dated another Combat Engineer last year who also killed people overseas and that fool has a Facebook profile. Some military dudes are extremely scandalous and they lie to hide the fact that they are attached and you are just a side piece.

Suddenly I started having flashes of squirrel pictures and the movie "What's Your Number?" I don't have to get to know him. I dated him... except his name was Scott and he was a Marine and an asshole who lied to me for over a year and hid the fact that he had a wife and possibly 2 kids. Hence why I called his bluff and went searching on Facebook... And look what I freaking found!

Now I have no clue who this Kathy B. chick is but she is definitely not what I envisioned when I think of super hot girls with fake boobs who go out on citywide banging rampages. She looks very plain and like she might actually be a nice person. He definitely was missing her the week he was in Tennessee and those posts are legit from only a week, maybe even several days, prior to us going on our date. We definitely were already talking on PoF when those posts were posted. So basically this dude is a lying, cheating, scandalous douche.

The moral of the story is: Fellas, here is yet another example of what not to do. Ladies, look alive because this fool is still cruising for chicks on Plenty of Fish and may or may not still have a girlfriend. Don't be part of his banging spree through the DMV to get back at Kathy B. That ain't your problem and you definitely don't need that in your life. Also, if a dude offers you an expensive gift you should take it. He offered me Lexus President's Club Nats tickets and I'm a fucking moron for turning them down. I'm still kicking myself for not taking them because I'm a huge Nats fan and he's a huge douche.