Adventures in Dating Douchebags: Meet Prince Wannabe Karaoke Player the Fool of Fairfax

So I'm out at karaoke at The Old SheBitch last Friday night with my boys William, David, and Chris doing my weekly karaoke thing wrecking shop and whatnot with my dope singing performances.. I'm sitting there minding my own fucking business when THIS DUDE comes up to borrow the karaoke book we've bogarted for our table...

Here is another mofo whom I would suggest avoiding or further subjecting to public scrutiny... Personally I would prefer the latter. Please subject him to LOTS of public scrutiny... Meet Prince Wannabe Karaoke Player the Fool of Fairfax aka The Acoustic Storm aka Brian Johnson...

Here is a pic from his band fan page which is actually closer to what he looked like last Friday since he was wearing that beanie...

Yeah, I know.. This guy has Douchey O'Toolbag written all over him. He's 30 years old, which is all the more reason he should know better by now.. Real quick.. Fellas, just so you know, 24 is the last cute age you will ever be. Once you turn 25 you can no longer get away with the same dumb, immature bullshit you used to pull because people will start holding you accountable for it.. especially women. 

Anyway, he lives down the street from me in an apartment complex called The Arbors so I wouldn't doubt if we frequent the same grocery stores. He's also an IT recruiter by day and then does music on the side... When I met him he told me he usually hangs out upstairs because he plays acoustic guitar for the bar's live music nights *flips hair*.

Now bear in mind, there are like 4 other books sitting on a table only a few yards away from us. But yet, this dude just had to have mine. When he asked I said, "You can't run off with our book. You can sit right here at this empty table next to us and look through it so I can watch you like a fucking hawk and make sure you give it back." Just FYI BTW, that was not a pickup line. I always say that same shit to anyone who tries to take my book at karaoke regardless of who they are because I don't want them to steal it. Ask anyone.

So he sits down and he starts talking about himself and music and whatnot and he asks me if I want to sing a duet. I agree and tell him to pick out a song. Well, all the songs he picked were not duet songs or even songs I know well or at all so I vetoed them. Then he tells me to find a song for us to sing. While I'm flipping through the book we continue talking and he goes on about his band and acoustic guitar stuff and whatnot. I tell him I'm a DJ *flips hair*... Cause I'm awesome too.

I told him about the legend that is Niki Slik and mention that I'm the Queen of Fairfax. So this dude starts trying to come up with a way in his tiny, pee-sized brain to usurp me and be King. I told him no fucking way would that shit ever happen and that instead of trying to kill me off he could maybe just marry me or something and become a King Consort.. unless I did like Queen Victoria or Queen Elizabeth II and left him as a Prince so that my monarchy would be absolute... which sounds better. The best this mofo could do now though is be my court jester now cause he is a dumbass fool. Crowns are for winners dude. Crowns are for winners. 

During our conversation he invited me to his gig he was playing the next night.. which would be Saturday. So we add each other on Facebook and exchange numbers and stuff. I'm thinking this dude is like perfect.. tall, cute, plays music, lives close by.. all of the above. Whenever he looks away, I keep turning to David all excited and quietly mouthing "He is so cute!" He couldn't understand what I was saying and wasn't being subtle about it. 

I then introduced him to my boys and he tells them "Hi, I'm Harmless".. I couldn't hear him and neither could they and I'm thinking he said something else so I'm like "His name is Brian." He said "I introduced myself as Harmless because those guys are all bigger than me and look like they could kick my ass." So I tell them that. I'm like "They won't as long as you don't do something stupid."

After a bit, Douchey O'Toolbag gets up to go hang with his "posse".  I'm like "YaY! Let me brush off my shoulders cause they are covered in pimp dust." I was just so excited that, for once, a dude... a super cute dude.. a super cute dude who is in my age range and has a lot in common with me... actually came up and talked to me... a super cute dude who actually has balls.. I feel like ya'll need to appreciate the fact that random dudes I don't know.. especially super cute, single ones.. like pretty much NEVER come up and hit on me because they're intimidated by me and have no balls. It's true. Apparently I am so devastatingly hot and awesome that it actually strikes fear into the hearts of men.

He keeps coming back by to check if I've picked a song for us. I finally told him I gave up on that because I couldn't really figure out what to do and then my boy Davelicious told me the list was closing so if we didn't have it in already we wouldn't get to do it. I already had another song in for myself anyway so he put in his own.

He got called up and sang "In Your Eyes" by Peter Gabriel... which wasn't bad. During his song all the ladies were swoony including me (I'll admit it) and one of them got up on stage and danced with him for a sec then goes back to her friends like all "OMG" excited. He gets done and then it's my turn. I sang one of my go-to jams "Aerials" by System of a Down cause I'm a badass. I wrecked shop AGAIN and had the whole bar singing along with me. The karaoke DJ was like "Well if she didn't shut it down before, she certainly did now."

After I got off stage and made my way through the barrage of high fives, I went up to the bar to get another drink.. Douchey was standing there and the girl he was dancing with was buying him a drink.. I laughed and said "Looks like you got yourself a little karaoke groupie there pimpin." He's like "Yeah.." So I'm like "It's cool. I too have karaoke groupies." *flips hair*

I went back over to my spot to sit with my friends and William asked "So is he Mr. Dreamy now?" Of course not! Perish the fucking thought! Mr. Dreamy is Mr. Dreamy. He can't be replaced. He knows who he is and likes his nickname and it belongs to him until the end of time. It's not a beauty competition title like Miss America where it can just pass from person to person annually based on how pretty they look in evening gowns and swimsuits. Besides, I will say that Douchey O'Toolbag is pretty but he's not dreamy. There is a difference.

Mr. Dreamy actually invited me to his band's show in a couple weeks... which he's never done before. He's so cute when he's inviting me to his shows and guestlisting me with winky face texts and shit. It makes me feel all blushy and giddy and stupid like I'm some kind of special cause he wants me to be there so much so he's made it impossible for me to decline since I'd be getting in for free.. Not even sure if I am any kind of special to him and think I may even be reading too much into it because he probably just wants me to do some promo shit on my blog.. But I don't care. I will live in my teenybopper crush delusion of grandeur.

As I laughed about that preposterous notion, I got up and went to the ladies room to break the seal... Meanwhile I was actually trying to figure out what this dude's nickname would be. Karaoke groupie girl happened to be in there too. While I was washing my hands and straightening, she complimented my shirt and then my toenails and told me hers were the same color... I could tell she was sizing me up because we were both talking to the same dude.

Anyway, I came back out and my boys continued ragging on me about Douchey. William was like "I'm in a band. I play acoustic guitar" *flips hair* "I wrote you a song. Wanna hear it? It goes like this...

 

Your name is.... Niki? Yeah.. Niki

It rhymes with... Sticky..

I got you this flower

So don't be picky."

 

I laughed and then went back to the bar to go close my tab. I saw Douchey so I told him my friends were giving me shit about him and sang him the song.. which is still stuck in my head btw.. Meanwhile karaoke groupie girl is still right by him and I notice they're being kinda flirty and shit and it's starting to get weird. I'm thinking "Is there something I'm missing?"

 

Then she gives me this look like "Uhhhh you can go now cause I've claimed this one." So I pull Douchey aside and I ask him "Why is your karaoke groupie giving me the stank eye?" And this when he tells me, "Oh, that's my girl." Excuse me. "Your girl? If she's your girl then why the hell were you talking to me?" He tried to pull this innocent shit like "Oh I just came up to borrow a book." We both know that was not the case and there were soooo many points during the conversation we had where he could've mentioned the fact that he not only had a girl.. BUT that she was there with him on the other side of the bar!

I'm just standing there with my jaw on the floor totally amazed by this mofo's brazenness. So I put my hand up and did the little 'Oh HELL to the Nah I'm about to get ratchet' wave and then thought better and said "WOW.. Whatever. Fucking unreal. Just forget it." Then I walked away because it just wasn't worth it to even bother making a scene.

So karaoke groupie girl who turned out to be Douchey O'Toolbag's girl followed me over to my table and asked me what was going on. I looked at her and said "I don't want to get all up in your situation but you need to put your man in check cause he's been over here hollering at me all night." My boys stepped in and told her that I was telling the truth and that he'd come back to our table several times and introduced himself as Harmless and shit.

I went on and told her that I didn't know he had a girlfriend because he didn't tell me. She lets me know they just started seeing each other. So I'm like, "Then that makes it easier to cut it off now. You're cute and seem nice. I'll pimp you out on my blog and you could have a new boyfriend by next week." Then I handed her my phone and she added herself on Facebook (she declined my request she'd sent though.. which is fine) and then I told her about my Dating Douchebags segment.

Here is this girl by the way...

 

 

See, she's cute and nice. I think she could definitely do better than Douchey O'Toolbag.. Turns out our mutual friends are actually my neighbors... And let me point out the fact that Douchey O'Toolbag not only hit on me while his girl was in the same bar.. He hit on me while his girl was in the same bar which is also the place she works at! She fucking works there! AND he did that shit where she works while she was there!

 

Anyway, one of her friends comes up and pulls her away and asks me about what happened and my friends kept stepping in.. I think they were afraid there was going to be a catfight or something so they were vouching for me and letting these girls know this shit really wasn't my fault because... Like I said at the beginning, I was just sitting there minding my own fucking business and this dude came up to me.

 

I was just amazed by this whole surreal situation. All I could think is 3 things.. First, that I am such a douchebag magnet and I just don't understand how I attract these fuckers. Usually I've been the one to pick them from a dating website. But this one just walked right up to me! Why me?!?! Second, when I said this dude had balls, I didn't realize just how big they must be cause.. for real.. hollering at chicks at your girl's workplace while she's also there right under her nose.. That is some brazen ass shit right there.. And third.. Oh shit! I need to take screenshots of this shit for the blog cause this fucker is getting blasted!

 

So I'm sitting there screenshotting Douchey's profIle and shit because I had a feeling he was going to defriend me... which he did. Meanwhile across the bar, chick is getting into it with him and she is making a scene. Once I was done my boys and I rolled out.

We were saying our goodbyes and smoking in the parking lot. Then I see chick's homegirl walking to her car right across from mine. I asked her how her friend was and she told me that chick is upset and doesn't know who to trust. I'm like seriously?! Between me and Douchey O'Toolbag, I'm definitely the one whose word should be taken at face value here. If I were in chick's shoes (and I have been), I'm taking whatever that girl says my man did over whatever he's telling me like 99.9% of the time because she's probably telling me the truth.

In this instance, I didn't even start any part of that nor did I volunteer shit to this girl nor did I bitch him the fuck out for being a dickhead... and believe me, I wanted to.. But I have some class and self respect so I walked away. She is the one who followed me to my table across the bar of her own accord to solicit an explanation of what happened from me. I even had 3 witnesses who testified that I was telling the truth.. Guy witnesses... which makes it even more valid cause most men are not getting in the middle of lady squabbles. So of all the people who get to be trusted in this particular scenario, it's fucking ME. If not, then what the fuck did you bother me and make me waste my precious breath and time for?

Anyway, while I was still bullshitting in the parking lot I saw that Douchey had defriended me on Facebook. I texted him to let him know I knew and informed him he'd be the subject of this week's Dating Douchebags blog post and that I'd be sure to send his girl a link to it... I'm not really going to send her anything. Honestly, beyond that night and this post, I have absolutely no desire to have any further involvement in their relationship drama.

That dude is sad and sorry anyway... Look...

I screenshotted his gig the day after which only 4 people apparently went to.. That's sad.

 

I also screenshot his band page... Apparently that background is his apartment.. which he also told me while we were talking when he found his band page on my phone and hit Like.. Thus forcing me to be the 82nd person to like his sad page.

Now, in comparison, I have 118 likes on my Miss Slik's Guide 2 Life Facebook Page (BTW, go Like my stupid page people cause Blogger says you're reading my shit) and then I have 220 likes on my semi-abandoned Niki Slik Facebook DJ Fan Page. SO, in the world of Facebook popularity contests I'm winning over this dude... Not by a huge margin.. But I'm still winning.. which is why I'm the Queen and this dude will never take my crown.. Cause like I said.. Crowns are for winners.

Fellas, this is yet another example of what not to do. If you already have a nice, cute girlfriend then don't be a dick and try to creep on her.. and especially don't be a dick and try to creep while she's across the bar at which she also happens to work. Ladies, this dude is still out there cruising.. and she's probably somewhere near by.. and she's probably somewhere near by. You don't need that in your life.

And finally, everyone, this dude sat there and plotted my death right in front of me just to usurp my throne. Pretty sure he'll probably plan my untimely demise for different reasons now. If you protect me, there may be a dukedom in it for you.. I can probably take him on my own though since, as you well know, I be kickin ass for infinity scarves and lighters and shit and will ferociously defend myself.. Cause Crowns are for winners. Woe to the Republic.



Happy Monday Theme Songs For Your House Party Hangover!

Happy Monday My People! This is for everyone who went hard in the muthafuckin p-p-p-paint over the weekend that is now like "OH. MAH. GOD Whahappin? Why the F am I not in my bed right now?"

First off, we need to get in the 2 CHAINZ song of the day... This morning I was watching the Today Show while I was getting ready for work and they had a segment on how to make a good first impression. One of the people they were interviewing said something about how you should try to be like other people and mimic their behavior because people get very bristley when you're different.

Soooooo basically, in order to be accepted by people you don't know you should pretend to be someone your not and become a sheepish little lemming. 2 words: 1) Fuck and 2) That.. FUCK THAT! Folks, don't ever dim your shine for anyone. If they don't like the outgoing, dynamic, unique individual you are then you don't need them in your life. I'm dealing with a similar situation at the moment with the Karaoke Drama Crew. God forbid you ever rock a title belt or a crown on your head and rep what you do around this group of people. They will not see it as a positive thing and you will be called conceited. Well, I think they can sit on it and rotate because like 2 CHAINZ said "I'm different!"

Next, people keep asking what I think of Kendrick Lamar because he's all up in the mix with 2 CHAINZ and A$ap Rocky but I don't really post much about him. I had a very interesting discussion with my boy Rob One last week and he asked what I thought about Kendrick calling himself the King of New York while Rakim, KRS One, and other Hip Hop legends were still alive and performing.

My response was this, Kendrick Lamar is relevant to everybody right now especially the kids. Rakim, KRS One, De La Soul and the rest of the old school heads are only relevant to people like us older folks and serious hip hop fans. So sure, I'll agree. He is the King of New York.. for now. He's a solid MC with mad skills. I personally just don't care for all the sound clips that make his songs like 20 minutes long when the music part is only like 3 minutes long.

There are a couple interesting articles I found though. One was written last week called Best/worst of 2013, so far: Kendrick Lamar puts the rap game (and N.Y.) on notice that goes into the situation about Kendrick calling himself the King of NY and how he outrapped Big Sean on his own song. The second one is from today called Nas Comments on Kendrick Lamar's "King of New York" Declaration and Nas says he has nothing but love for Kendrick and isn't really disputing it. So there you go.

Here is the song he went buck on...

and here is the song I'm loving at the moment by Kendrick Lamar because I secretly hope my proverbial dick gets big as the Eiffel Tower so I could fuck the world for 72 hours... Where are my dominos?!?!

OK, so over the weekend I went to a house partay for my friend Max's birthday. The next few songs are dedicated to him and the party. It was pretty off the chain and we had an installment of Twerkathon OH-13 out on his patio for most of the night. We should keep Twerkathon going in a big way for the rest of the year. So to kick it off on the internet, here is a theme song from the Kings of Twerk, the Ying Yang Twins...

Next, I now have some bruises and scratches thanks to this song and a dude from the other night who was a little too drunk for the Twerkathon. I was perhaps a little too drunk for it at that point too but it's all good. Anyway, what would it be without Travis Porter?

And finally, because I like to throw a little something in here for everybody, this song is one that I'm seriously all about because I woke up to it Saturday morning. It was a ringtone I downloaded for my alarms and it is probably the best song ever to wake up to...

BOOM!

Happy Friday Theme Songs Dedicated to a Hopefully Hater-Free Weekend!

Happy Friday to you all... It's been quite a week. It seems like people just can't seem to help themselves. Between Stalker Neil and the Karaoke Drama Crew, quite frankly I'm spent. Here are some theme songs dedicated to them...

First, my first name must be She Ain't Shit because every time they see me they say "She ain't shit." I'll be dat. I'll be dat. I'll be dat... People seem to be doing an awful lot of talking about me lately and then telling me I'm not important. If I'm not important then why am I dominating your conversations so much? "Oh Niki and her dumb little blog. Nobody reads that crap." OK, you keep thinking that while I serve you up as fodder for my readers who just can't get enough of reading about how much of a douchebag you are. 

Quite frankly, if you have a problem with me you can say it to my face but it loses credibility with each passing day that you don't and instead choose to act like chickenheads. Dem Franchise Boyz say it way better than I can because I can't hear you.

However, I think Jill Scott expresses my emotions more poetically in such a melodic and thoughtful way...

My tolerance levels of people's BS douchebaggery have dropped to an all-time low. Hence why the format of this blog seems to have shifted from reviews on protein bars to publicly putting people in their place without prejudice. Say that 5 times fast. Mystikal can.

Also, I've had this song stuck in my head for several days now. Some people are definitely not keeping it 100... In fact, I don't even think they're keeping it 50 much these days. Maybe they should refrain from claiming that and singing this song at karaoke.

BOOM!

Part 7: Conclusion of the FCKC War With ACI - Closing Thoughts

Closing Thoughts, Morals, Takeaways, Life Lessons, etc.

So, in case you haven't figured out why I don't care about obliterating my bridges with Glenn and Fingaz as discussed in FCKC War Footnote - Miss Slik's Advice On Burning Bridges and BONUS THEME SONG! ... I will not be competing in the Fairfax County Karaoke Championship next year in the Spring of 2014. Seriously.

I’m probably banned from competing in it anyway based on what has happened, which I’m OK with. But even if I would be allowed to compete by ACI, I do not want to. It is just not in me to go through this again for another 3 months of my life. I get nothing from it of any real value… In fact, I actually lose things of real value i.e. money for food, drinks, costumes, props, etc for and during competitions, vacation time from work, my friends, my sanity, my sleep, etc..

I had contemplated it though. I think in order to do it, I'd need a vocal coach, costume designer, and choreographer to assist me throughout the entirety of the competition. They would help ensure every part of the criteria was met to the letter and each performance was basically on par with shows like the Grammies, MTV, CMA's, etc.. Then, if I didn't win I could claim more foul play and start an even bigger war next year about issues with non-adherence to the criteria (which has also been a problem in the past) and more unfairness to contestants. But I don't think I want to put myself through that.

However, for anyone who thinks this is just a stupid karaoke contest and doesn’t understand why so many people are as angry as they are about the unfairness, I hope you get that we invest THREE WHOLE MONTHS EVERY SINGLE YEAR of our own lives along with the lives of our family, significant others, spouses, friends, etc. who get dragged along week after week, night after night, just to support us and contribute to those 10 measly Crowd Response points. All we do is sleep, eat, breath, crap, drink, and most of all, sing karaoke. I’ve lost several friends and even boyfriends over this contest. In fact, the length and detail of these 7 total posts should give you an extreme indication of how seriously we take the FCKC.

Even if I had won the whole shebang, what would $1,500 and a title have cost me? I hate who I become as a contestant in the FCKC. I hate who A LOT of us become when we compete in this contest. We are terrible people who would kill each other for three months because of this contest.

One of the winners this year who just missed that big prize said her only point of consolation for not winning 1st place was that she at least beat out a 13 year old child… a little boy she has had daggers for that had beat her our every year since he was 8 or 9 years old. I looked at her 2 years ago during my first time competing and said, “Do you realize you’re basically saying you’d shank a 9 year old for a karaoke title?”

Normally she’s a very lovely person who is quite friendly and loving of children so I found this extremely shocking. She even likes this kid under normal circumstances. He’s a very nice kid. I personally think he’s amazing and we both agree he should be on TV. But this is what I’m talking about. It’s disgusting behavior.

I’m disgusted with myself for having turned on my own friends… people who have done absolutely NOTHING to me EVER but be nice, caring, awesome people. This is most evident with Vince and Nani who beat me at the venue final for Fast Eddie’s Fairfax. I criticized their performances for weeks and scrutinized Vince's energy level and audience connection that night along with Nani's vocal ability (she really should sing more Country songs though because SWV does not show her range very well)... The thing is, I wasn't even the only one joining in on this discussion. However, bygones and sincere apologies go out to them whether they knew what was said or not because they didn't deserve to be shredded.

For real though, want to know of whom I am extremely envious and insanely, beyond blindly jealous of? Nope.. Guess again... It is definitely not the people who won at the Fair. I’m actually super happy for them, especially 2nd Place Winner Lauren and 3rd Place Winner Atir because they are both friends and fellow members of the Chuka League. WHOYOUWITH?!?!

Honestly, the person of whom I am the most jealous is my friend and another fellow Chuka League member, the Air Guitar Super Champion of the World, Richard Fraina. Why? Because he had the most fun that Friday night out of any of us. He didn’t make it into the rounds at the Fair and seemed cool with it. He also didn’t bad mouth anyone or hate on any of his friends.

“Went to celebrate Fairfax sang two songs at karaoke then saw sponge filter live and everclear. Got to hang out with friends and talk about music between bands overall a good night” and then he tagged a girl named Heather, Naniboo, and myself.

I saw him at the end of the night when I was getting ready to leave. He came back with the most gigantic smile on his face and pulled out 2 CD’s he got from the bands. His look on his face was the same as my friend Mele’s and mine the year before after we saw Legends of Hip Hop on the main stage at Celebrate Fairfax. It’s a look of mind-blown awesomeness at the craziness that has just transpired. I love the bands that performed and have been fans of them for years. I wish I would have just forfeited my spot and gone with him to see the show instead.

Here is where this whole situation becomes supremely ironic... The first week of competition, Richard was a judge at Fast Eddie's Fairfax for a Qualifier. We got into an argument when I lost because he deducted points from my score for cursing in my song, Nicki Minaj's "Did It On 'Em". You are allowed to do that during the Qualifiers because the bars most of the weekly competitions take place at are not family-friendly establishments. He disagreed and said that no cursing was one of the rules. My response was, "Yeah, you can't curse at the Fair but you can in the Qualifiers!" I had learned this lesson during Week 1 of 2011 when I competed in my first Qualifier ever.

I was so mad at him I didn't speak to him for at least a month after that night. But, who was right and who was wrong? The rules don't really specify and they probably should. At least I can walk away knowing that I somehow made a difference for the contestants by making a huge stink about it all... and that makes me happy. No matter what, I guarantee it will still remain a vicious cycle.

In the meantime, we still have about 8 months until the blood bath that is Karaoke Season begins again in March of 2014.

Hold up....

And just in case you missed them:

• The FCKC War with ACI - Part One
• FCKC War Footnote - Miss Slik's Advice On Burning Bridges and BONUS THEME SONG!
• The FCKC War with ACI - Part Two: The Incident at The Fair Friday Night

• The FCKC War with ACI - Part Three: The Aftermath and Love to Glenn
• The FCKC War with ACI - Part 4: More Aftermath and F You to Some People
• The FCKC War with ACI Part 5: The Judges, The Judging, and the Outdated, Arbitrarily Non-Officially Changed Rules
• The FCKC War with ACI - Part Six: Getting Official Word from Mr. Barry Feil!

The FCKC War with ACI - Part Six: Getting Official Word from Mr. Barry Feil!

Monday Afternoon - 6/10/13:

I did a little bit of digging based on Mr. Fingaz having said that he had spoken with the Director of Celebrate Fairfax because I wanted to know if he had told the truth. Well, there are 3 Directors and they are all women so I assumed this male Director was imaginary. But, being the professional that I am… journalistic integrity, truth-seeker, etc. I called the main line and pressed whatever button connected me to Media and Communications. I got the voicemail of VP and Managing Director Meagan Butkus. I left Ms. Butkus a message regarding this incident and let her know I was fact checking for an article I was writing.

Tuesday Morning - 6/11/13:

I received a call back from none other than the CEO & President of Celebrate Fairfax, Mr. Barry Feil. This is the person with whom Fingaz spoke so it was actually appropriate he was the person to return my call. I essentially got the Final Word on this situation “straight from the horse’s mouth” as they say.

Feil basically told me the same thing, that they go by FCC guidelines and "If it's on the radio, it's Okay." I began to break down for him exactly what FCC guidelines are but the second he used the term "community standards" I knew he wasn't stupid and did already have some familiarity.

He also told me that he has a nine year old daughter who, at only seven years old, knew all the words to the song "Gives You Hell" by All American Rejects. He said he didn't like it but there was nothing he could really do about it... and he's right. I feel for Barry Feil and do not envy his position. He's basically caught between a rock and a hard place. He is in charge of putting on an event every year that has to be relevant knowing in essence it contributes to situations like kids learning songs packed with "light profanity" at young ages.

Like it or not folks, this is the day and age we live in. There are supreme court cases going on as we speak that can and will change what is allowed to be said on radio and TV. Thanks to Safe Harbor Laws and people like Howard Stern, there really isn't much you can't do on the air short of showing hardcore pornography or graphically depicting obscene sex acts on the radio. I don't envy parents with small children because no matter what those parents do it is frankly impossible to shield kids from this... and it's not like you can wash your kids' mouths out with soap anymore like our parents did when we cursed when we were kids (think A Christmas Story) without fear of Child Protective Services showing up at your door.

But, here is the gist... If "light profanity" is allowed to be sung in songs at Celebrate Fairfax  in the Fairfax County Karaoke Championship, then the Official Rules need to be updated to reflect that with the clarification that "If it's on the radio then it's Okay." As it stands, the Official Rules were not observed and the people who followed them, like me and the other "sore losers", did get shafted because we could have sang more relevant songs.

The good news is that Mr. Barry Feil understands that and has agreed to update the Official Rules next year for 2014 to reflect it. 

Well HOLY CRAP! Somebody in charge of something to do with this contest actually admitted some kind of fault and did not call me a sore loser for daring to broach this topic... AND is even going to take action that will make the contest a little more fair for the contestants going forward. While this was not exactly the resolution I had in mind, I am still happy with it.

I later found out during the conversation that he only returned my call because he thought I was a reporter. He thought he got duped for a second...

No Mr. Feil, while I did take several courses related to journalism at George Mason University and worked for the Times Community Newspapers for nearly 2 years, I am not now nor have I ever been a reporter. But, I also never claimed to be. All I said was “I’m writing an article and am attempting to do some fact checking." As you can see, that was true. For all you know it could’ve been an article for karaoke enthusiasts, which is also actually kind of true.

I did want to be a newspaper reporter several years ago. But, the specific courses for the concentration in Journalism conflicted with my full-time work schedule at the time and paying my rent in full on time was of higher priority to me than selecting this particular concentration. I decided to go with Public Relations instead because the courses were nearly identical and the potential income of PR executives is A LOT more than that of a reporter unless you are Brian Williams or Katie Couric.

However, I am a published author and current blog writer, which in its essence is tantamount to being a reporter. Blogs seem to be the beginning of all things newsworthy these days and reputable media sources circulate our posts through the PR newswires. If I put enough SEO’s in this post and somebody decides the content of any or all of it is “newsworthy” it is very likely this story could become the basis for other articles then published by what you would consider more reputable media outlets.

In the meantime, please note that our obscure little blog which has only existed for about 2 months, is read in, at last count, fifteen countries on four continents and gets anywhere from 100-200 clicks on an average day. However, my readership has quintupled since I began this FCKC War with ACI series of posts and continues to grow. The only people who know that are me and the watchdogs at Adsense who decided I have satisfied their readership requirements sufficiently enough to allow me to have paid advertising on my blog. 

Why am I telling you all this Mr. Feil? Because you gave me your word that you would update the rules for the FCKC next year to reflect what we discussed and I intend to hold you to that. I encourage my readers to do so as well. I would also suggest that you read The FCKC War with ACI Part 5: The Judges, The Judging, and the Outdated, Arbitrarily Non-Officially Changed Rules to see the other rules that should probably be updated while you are at.

Stay tuned for Part Seven - The Conclusion of the FCKC War with ACI....

And just in case you missed them:

• The FCKC War with ACI - Part One
• FCKC War Footnote - Miss Slik's Advice On Burning Bridges and BONUS THEME SONG!
• The FCKC War with ACI - Part Two: The Incident at The Fair Friday Night

• The FCKC War with ACI - Part Three: The Aftermath and Love to Glenn
• The FCKC War with ACI - Part 4: More Aftermath and F You to Some People
• The FCKC War with ACI Part 5: The Judges, The Judging, and the Outdated, Arbitrarily Non-Officially Changed Rules

Adventures in Dating: Douchebag Dudes With No Game

Now that ya'll are paying attention, I guess I need to start beefing up my Sex, Love, and Dating section because you keep checking it out like you expect to find more than one post. I've been on several dates in the past several weeks and I've been DYING to break them down.

So I had a date a few weeks ago with this guy I met through the dating website I'm on. He was on and off about communicating.. Like we'd talk a lot one day and maybe try to meet up but it wouldn't work out and then nothing for a few days... Then he'd send me these random pics he thought were funny.

This was the first one....

Ummmmm... Yeah, because nothing turns me on or lets me know you're into me quite like pics of tranny dating profiles on PoF. He told me there are quite a few transsexuals on there. My response to him was "If that's what you're into.. I guess the heart wants what the heart wants.. or the penis rather.. Patti Stanger on Millionaire Matchmaker always says the penis does the picking".. He swore up and down he was straight and loved boobs and vaginas.. I was like "Well consciously maybe.. But not subconsciously apparently. Subconsciously I'm sure I'm attracted to a bunch of things I'd never consciously admit to.."

My example was making an Eiffel Tower in a 3-some with this dude and a big-dicked, big-boobed tranny... which the more I thought about it, actually seemed like it could be pretty hot. I like boobs and large penises and theoretically this tranny would have both. He told me he was cool with that and to pick one out... WHAAAAATTTTT?!?!?!? That ladies and gentlemen should've deterred me from ever speaking to this dude again. It is a giant red flag.

Really though, I've gotten to the point with dudes where I just don't care anymore. I'm a douchebag magnet as you will discover. I've been experimenting with new and different ways to push their boundaries and see what they'll let me get away with. Why not right?

Anyway, we tried to meet up and again it did not work out and again I didn't hear from him for a few days. I was about ready to write him off until I got this...

So I laughed because who doesn't love Will Farrell and joking references about male genitalia and A Few Good Men? Then I let him know he'd just about gotten written off because I was tired of being shot down on hanging out. I told him I wasn't going to ask him if he wanted to do anything anymore... but that since he was the dude and I'm theoretically the chick in this scenario, he should be the one asking me anyway... So then he asked me out to dinner.

We ended up going to Champp's because they have karaoke on Friday nights and I wanted to practice my songs for the Fair. I thought he was cute in person but had a serious issue with blinking way too much... either because he has some kind of weird eye condition, thought it was flirtatious, or the more logical explanation, he lies a lot (abnormal amounts of blinking signal lying).

Anyway, we finished dinner and I finished my like 6-7th girly tequila drink and we rolled out. He walked me to my car and I go to hug him and thank him for a nice night. He kissed me... Then copped a feel everywhere like that was supposed to do something for me... Then he says to me "Are you ready to make some poor decisions?" (Sidenote: this dude kept talking to me about making poor drunken decisions. I kept telling him, "I don't make poor decisions. I make bad decisions.. HORRIBLE ones even." For real, who makes poor decisions when they're drunk?)

I just busted out laughing. I was like, "OH. MAH. GOD! Yeah, I'm going to go home alone. That is my decision." Well, he didn't like that very much and began to storm off like a bratty 3 year old who got sand in his crack, packed up his G.I. Joe's, and announced he didn't want to play anymore and was going home. I stood there watching him walk off and was like "Really dude?! WOW! Sorry you didn't bring your A+ game tight enough to close on the first date. Besides, I don't see a tranny anywhere, so clearly you did not come prepared."

For real, if you're a dude, you shouldn't expect to get it in on the first date. Chicks are at least supposed to get a grace period of a minimum of 3 dates before you should begin expecting anything. This dude was actually a good-looking guy who, despite being somewhat corny, probably could've gotten it after another date or 2. But, acting like a bratty little kid is not exactly a turn on.

So, I haven't heard from him since... no weird pics or discussions of poor decision-making... which I'm totally OK with. However, I did see him while I was walking up to the gate at Celebrate Fairfax. I noticed him walking right in front of me and we both did one of those like hand shielding the face moves to try to make ourselves invisible like "Please don't let this person see me." All I could think was "WOW! What a douche!"

His name is Sam. He's like 29-30, 6 ft., black hair, blue eyes, works for US Customs, lives in Alexandria, and lies about his penis size. If you're on PoF and you come across him then duck him like it's your job and avoid him like the plague because he is wack and you don't need that in your life. Trust me. Personally, I'd take that tranny any day over this fool since it would probably be way more fun.



The FCKC War with ACI Part 5: The Judges, The Judging, and the Outdated, Arbitrarily Non-Officially Changed Rules

The Reality Of Just How Unfair The Situation REALLY Is…

For this next part, just in case you want a reference point, here are the Official Rules posted on the Celebrate Fairfax Website.

So of course, we've already gotten into the issue over the profanity rule that was not adhered to and flouted... which if you were reading The FCKC War with ACI - Part 4: More Aftermath and F You to Some People you'd know apparently has unofficial loopholes. Per Anthony, the Director of Celebrate Fairfax said "If it's on the radio then it's OK." Well, that is not what the Official Rules say. The radio allows quite a few curse words to be said and the list of those words is constantly growing. So we already know that is subject to bias and interpretation.

Now let's explore a few other issues that create problems for this karaoke contest.

First, this rule was arbitrarily changed and disregards the official posted rules as well:

1. Contestants will be judged in the following five categories:

I. Physical Presentation

II. Crowd Reaction and Participation

III. Choreography/Entertainment Ability

IV. Vocal Presentation

V. Overall Performance

Now here is the part that really matters...

"2. Each contestant shall be judged on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being the lowest and 10 being the

highest score for each category (i.e. the lowest score possible is a 5 and the highest is a 50 from each judge)."

Well, that is not what Anthony aka Fingaz told us in his messages and official posts...

"Did you know? The Celebrate Fairfax Contest is judged on an 80 point scale, divided into the following categories:

Physical (10 pts):

I like to call this one the "extra credit" category; let's say you're singing Prince and you show up onstage in a royal purple 3/4 coat wearing a ruffled shirt, purple pants, and carrying a prop guitar? EXTRA POINTS. Singing Diana Ross, and you take the stage in a flowing sequined gown? EXTRA POINTS. Belting out "Thriller" and you wear the zippered jacket and a sparkly glove? Well, you get the point. LITERALLY.

Crowd Participation (10 pts):

This deals with the audience's reaction to your performance, and how they participate with you during your performance.

Choreography (20 pts):

your entertainment ability and how you express the mood of the song. does not necessarily mean how well you dance.

Vocal Ability (20 pts):

the individual quality of your voice in relation to the rhythm of the music; how well you blend with the music

Overall (20 pts):

pretty self explanatory; your total performance.

Hope this helps break down some of the questions you may have."

So how and when did the point scale change from all categories being equally weighted at 10 points per item to Choreography, Vocal Ability, and Overall being raised to 20 points per item? And if it did then why were the Official Rules not updated to reflect it?

Also, we have no clue what our scores are. They never tell us. It's entirely possible Glenn and Anthony could've lied about my score to help cover their BS. How would I know? I actually think each contestant should receive a copy of their scorecards so they know exactly who scored them how and comments about why. That would eliminate any issues with confusion over what happened. You would then know your total score and exactly why you lost. It would create transparency because then you are able to compare your scorecards with other contestants if you wish to and also have written suggestions to help you improve for future competitions. As it stands now we have no clue what our scores are/were so there is no way to know how or why the people who won actually beat us “sore losers”.

Next, there is another rule that states:

"6. Contestants, their family or associates are not allowed to have contact with a competition

judge before or during any competition connected with Celebrate Fairfax, Inc. Contact

includes verbal conversations and handshakes."

Well that's pretty hard to adhere to when a lot of the contestants are friends with the judges because they come out to the karaoke shows in the area, particularly those of Anthony aka Fingaz. Last year, two of the judges actually came up to a group of the semifinalists sitting by the stage before the contest and said "Hello" to all of us. Fingaz actually came over and said "We don't want another situation like last year" and then they said they couldn't continue talking to us and walked away. (Remember this, it is important). 

In fact, one of the judges spoke to several of us prior to the Wild Card Round because we were saying "Hello" to our friend. I didn't even know this person was a judge until several minutes into the conversation when they finally told me. Technically, we should've been disqualified too per the rule. But how are we supposed to distinguish between our friend who is just there to support us and our friend who is there because he is one of the judges? They should be wearing signs or t-shirts or at least know to tell us at the beginning of the conversation "I can't speak to you right now because I am one of the judges."

But, this is where the perception of bias begins. Anthony aka Fingaz claimed I accused him of some kind of conspiracy I guess in what I said on my Facebook profile in The FCKC War with ACI - Part Three: The Aftermath and Love to Glenn. I did not. I simply stated the truth about a situation that happened in 2011 with the judging.

OK, so in 2011 what had happened was Avi, the kid who won 1st Place for 2 years consecutively, finally lost to Reggie. Avi's father complained to Anthony aka Fingaz and said that the only reason Reggie won was because he was shown favoritism. Mr. Jackson saw Lou and Reggie talking so he knew Reggie was friends with one of the judges, Lou, and he also saw Reggie's mother sitting on the stage behind Mr. Fingaz during the contest. 

Like I said, Reggie is an AMAZING singer who legit deserved to win. I didn't get to know him or his mom as well as I do now until after the contest but I didn't see anything wrong or unfair about how it all went down. However, word around the campfire is that Mr. Jackson threatened to sue over it and they updated the rules for the next year. This is why if you win 1st Place you can't compete again and have to be a judge.

So, Semifinals in 2012.. The situation in 2011 is why Fingaz came over and told Reggie and Lou not to talk to us, the contestants, anymore. But here is what got everybody riled up... Avi and his sister were both Semifinalists that year and they both made it through to the Finals. Now, Avi is a beast and his win was to be expected. However, the conspiracy came about because of his sister. She is not as animated and does not have the same stage presence that Avi does. People believed she only got put through because their father complained the year before so the contest was basically rigged.

Now is that true? Honestly, I don't know. I really hope that it's not because I really want to believe that Lou and Reggie actually have the moral integrity that I give them credit for... But, could it be true? It is possible. And even if it's not, the truth is still irrelevant because all that matters is the way it looks.

The judges are not some trained professionals who are qualified with actual credentials that would give them any sort of standing to tell you anything in any real way about your performance. They are friends of Mr. Fingaz. This is another problem that creates issues over bias and unfairness. This is why there have been questions every year.


Also, there is a rule that states:

“Decisions of the judges are final. No arguing with judges is allowed. Any contestant, their family or associates who argue with a judge may be deemed to be using offensive behavior and the contestant may be disqualified from the competition.”

So basically they created a rule specifically to keep you from being able to disagree with Mr. Fingaz’s friends who are not necessarily even qualified to tell you, or your child in some cases, a single thing about what happened. Up until the wee hours of Sunday morning, I was one of his friends and could have very well been a judge had I not been a participant in the contest. Do you think I’d have given a crap if you’d wanted to argue with me if I judged you? NOPE! I’d have said bring it on because I’ll stand behind any decision I make. 

THESE ARE THE ONLY TWO QUALIFICATIONS FOR BEING A JUDGE DURING ANY ROUND OF THIS CONTEST AT ANY VENUE INCLUDING THE FAIR… 1) BE A FRIEND OF MR. FINGAZ, 2) CANNOT BE A CONTESTANT. THAT IS IT.

After the issues in 2011 and 2012, I suggested that they should have people from NBC4 since they partner with Celebrate Fairfax. I also suggested they could get some music teachers from local schools to judge, which would highlight the fact that Arts programs are being cut and maybe have some sort of fund raising tie-in that helps the community. This would've eliminated the perception of bias with the judges and made the contest a lot more fair.

Obviously my suggestions were not considered or implemented for 2013 and neither were anyone else's. Had they been we would probably not be in this situation year after year. Maybe these blog posts will make the difference for next year... or not.

To be continued.... Part 6 is coming up!

And just in case you missed them:

The FCKC War with ACI - Part One
FCKC War Footnote - Miss Slik's Advice On Burning Bridges and BONUS THEME SONG!
The FCKC War with ACI - Part Two: The Incident at The Fair Friday Night

The FCKC War with ACI - Part Three: The Aftermath and Love to Glenn
The FCKC War with ACI - Part 4: More Aftermath and F You to Some People