Becoming Overnight Internet Famous with Miss Niki Slik

So it's Week #2 of my return to blogging and I'm keeping my promises people. In my previous article Miss Slik's Guide to Job Searching in the OH-20... I talked about how I should build a buzz and become a viral internet sensation so I can have an easier time finding a new job. Well, in my efforts to achieve this, I made my first legit video in what will be a series of videos called Becoming Overnight Internet Famous with Miss Niki Slik. 

Here is the first episode... The pilot.. The debut... The premiere.... 

Now that you've seen all the magicness...

A few key points:

First, my Missy Elliott Inspired DIY Exercise Heat Suit definitely worked. I lost a whole pound. Of course, it was in water weight though, so I'll probably gain it back.

Second, Miss Té West really is an awesome lady and would definitely make an excellent asset to MSG2L.

Third, the dude at Giant who danced with me is also awesome.

Fourth, I had fun dancing in the grocery store.

And finally, Leslie is also awesome for filming the video and helping me out. So much love to her.

Let me know what you think about my first episode people. If you like it, please remember to share it with all your friends. MSG2L really needs the support and the shares and the likes and the tweetstagrams so please do and thank you!

Last, but not least, I made this dope meme from the video...

Hope that makes your day!

More Adventures in Dating, Beehive Kicking, and the Dreamy's Bestie Button Down Black Shirt Drama

Ok.. First, I know I missed last week and I suck and I'm sorry for depriving you of your weekly MSG2L fix. If it makes you feel any better, the topic of this week's post will at least give you some indication as to why. It's been a bit hectic the past couple weeks what with dealing with the backlash of my last post Miss Slik's Review of Dance Gavin Dance at Empire aka Mr. Dreamy's Big Metal Band Show and then of course last weekend was busy because the Christian Grey of my life came to visit... which was nothing short of lovely and epic. So let me go ahead and get you caught up. I actually need to vent this shit out anyway because it's been next level extra.

Well, I'm happy to report that my insane months long dry spell finally came to an end.. not last weekend as I had originally planned... but actually the night of the Mr. Dreamy Band Show because I ended up bringing home a little souvenir. There was a certain person who attended the show that Mr. Dreamy had mentioned to me in passing a several weeks prior was his new bestie... Let's call him Dustin. Well when I saw him at the show, I thought he was cute and within about 5 minutes of meeting him I found out he thought I was too when he asked me what my backstage pass was and then checked out my ass. Ding ding. Game fucking on.. Especially after what happened later that evening.

After I finished interviewing the bands, I was super pissed because Mr. Dreamy didn't even bother showing up to the interview with his band. He claimed he was busy dealing with a situation because a couple of his friends were getting arrested outside.. They did not get arrested. They got citations for weed possession. Cindy told me she actually saw him standing by the bar outside the lounge for most of the interview and didn't even bother to come in. Then when I came out he was still standing there so I bitched him out for missing the interview. He was whatever about it and didn't even apologize or seem to care how uncool it was at all.. So in that moment I finally hit my breaking point on the Dreamy Drama.

This was when I made a very calculated move and decided to go find Dreamy's bestie. We'd been flirting a bit all night so I figured why not exact some basic bitch revenge? I went back in the lounge and found him sitting in a chair all bummed out because during my last band interview he'd walked by with tray full of drinks he was getting for friends and spilled them on the floor. This was the second tray he'd actually dropped and his bad waitressing skills were wreaking havoc on his bar tab. He looked all sad so I cheered him up, took his hand, and said, "Come on sweety, let's go get you some alcohol." 

We went to the bar in the main room to get drinks and he decided we should do shots and, even though I had offered to buy him a drink and told the bartender to put what he wanted on my tab, he pulled a sneaky move and paid for everything. This impressed me. So we're running around and talking and flirting and whatnot and somewhere in there he mentions that he's bisexual, which I'm cool with cause that means he still likes chicks and actually wasn't surprised by considering he was slightly effeminate and had a bit of an androgynous vibe about him. I actually thought he was gay which I think I asked and may have been what prompted him to disclose his sexual orientation.. And then he drops the bomb on me... Wait for it... that Mr. Dreamy is bisexual too... and.. Oh it gets better... that they've been getting intimate on a somewhat regular basis... and even better... including that morning.

So remember way back weeks ago in my post Miss Slik's Guide to Dating: The 3 Date Rule when I said how Mr. Dreamy had said all that anti-monogamy stuff? Well turns out I was all wrong about his reasoning for having said that. I thought he just wanted to bang a bunch of chicks... He actually meant he just wanted to bang a bunch of everybody.. and a certain somebody in particular... His new bestie who'd now just become my new favorite person. What's really funny is that both Mr. Dreamy and his bestie had recently gotten out of long term relationships with women so they could be unfettered and sexually free.. and I guess at that point neither of their ex-girlfriends knew about it and were actually trying to reconcile and get back together not knowing they were still being lied to about the actual reasons for the breakups.

Anyway, Dreamy's bestie and I proceeded to make out everywhere.. and I mean EVERYWHERE... Outside while we smoked cigarettes right in front of Mr. Dreamy, in the hallways, in the middle of the crowd, by the bar, and even in the ladies room. Meanwhile I'm learning more about his involvement with Mr. Dreamy and kept having to reiterate the fact that I've never fucked Mr. Dreamy because his bestie couldn't wrap his brain around why I hadn't given the size and beauty of Mr. Dreamy's endowment.. which I was well aware of, hence my prior offers of sex and burritos after having shot him down on our 1st date. Dreamy's bestie also informed me that he happens to share a similar interest with me and the Christian Grey of my life as he is also into certain BDSM activities... and when I expressed interest in participating in interesting things of that nature with him, he said he would be interested in participating as well.. Ding ding.

Well the show ended and Dreamy's bestie asked if I wanted to come back to Mr. Dreamy's place for a little after party. I was not very interested in going out there and neither were Cindy and William. Since Cindy was spending the night at my apartment I explained that I needed to go with them, which meant we were going home. So this is when Dreamy's bestie decides he wants to come with us back to my place instead of going home with Mr. Dreamy... which I was hesitant about.. But he was pretty persistent.

We all then went outside and apparently while I was off taking pics of our Most Photogenic special award winner, Dreamy's bestie told Mr. Dreamy that he was going with me and asked Mr. Dreamy to pick him up from my place later. Cindy said Mr. Dreamy's eyes got big as saucers and he turned and looked over at me in disbelief like "WHAAAAATTT?! How the fuck did this happen?!?" I wish I could've seen his face because that would've been awesome.

Dreamy's bestie grabs his stuff and I see Mr. Dreamy say something to him like he's trying to talk him out of it. I later found out from Dreamy's bestie that what Mr. Dreamy was whispering to him is that he had apparently sorted out a little sexual rendezvous with some girl that I guess he'd planned on the 2 of them sharing.. But Dreamy's bestie said he'd rather have a night on his own. This thrilled me to no end because not only had I stolen Mr. Dreamy's little plaything but I ruined his night by making his ménage à trois a much less interesting ménage á deux.

So we left and headed back to my apartment. Cindy decided that since we'd gotten out earlier than she thought we would she'd go ahead and drive home and give Dreamy's bestie and I some alone time... I was sitting there like "Uh Oh" cause I knew I was in trouble. Between me being drunk and him being all respectful and shit and saying we didn't have to have sex and that he's not the hit it and quit it type, the last of my resolve to hold off disappeared and somehow this dude found the key to my imaginary chastity belt... 

Plus dude eats pussy like a champ. Honestly, I could really give a flying fuck whose dick he sucked that morning. If he put the spit shine on Mr. Dreamy the way he did on me, it's no wonder dude drives all over 3 states and Hell's half acre for him. Lemmetellyasomething, that boy worked me the fuck out and vice versa. I ended that damn dry spell a few times that night... and then again the next morning. *Brushes pimp dust off shoulders*. In the meantime though, we had some real talk bonding moments and compared Dreamy notes, which was both very weird and insightful, while we cuddled and he played my guitar naked and shit... which I really wish dudes would stop doing post coitus without asking me first.

And then somewhere in there, things took a weird turn and he got all sad and for some reason I can't remember, he said, "Someone like you would never date someone like me." I'm sitting there thinking 'Ah hell, this dude looks like he is about to cry all over my bed. I can't tell him that he's right.' So instead I'm like, "There there.. Of course I would date someone like you." 

You're damn right I lied straight through my fucking teeth because there was no way in hell I was telling this dude the truth, especially not in that moment cause honesty does not work with drunk, sad, slightly belligerent, naked people. It was the wrong time for unfortunate truths.. I just wanted to have fun so I placated him for the sake of not ruining my entertainment. 

We ended up passing out though around 3:00am and the cherry on the sundae of my revenge fucking was that while we were asleep, Mr. Dreamy actually showed up knocking on my door at like 5:00am trying to pick his bestie up and I didn't realize what was going on. Felicity was flipping out but I was not awake. Then I got a call from Mr. Dreamy but I didn't know the 2 things were related so I ignored his call. He then had to drive all the way back to my place a few hours later in rush hour traffic to pick his bestie up before I left for work. 

Before Dreamy's bestie left though he was trying to get his stuff together and couldn't figure out what he'd done with his black button down dress shirt and his tie he had been wearing. I honestly couldn't remember if he was wearing it when he left so I was no help. But later when I was cleaning up from the combo sex tornado and usual dog destruction I found his shirt hiding in one of my dining chairs. So I texted him to let him know I had it. I still have no clue what happened to his tie.

We continued texting a bit throughout the week, which was hectic to say the least between working on the Quadruple Post Extravaganza and preparing for my DJ gig. I was still pissed at Mr. Dreamy for having missed the interview but Cindy pointed out that he may not have come because I'd embarrassed him over the Dreamy Drama on the blog which all of his bandmates were now aware of. In light of this, I enlisted Dreamy's bestie's help to persuade Mr. Dreamy to do the interview so I could add in his responses.

Fortunately, my little helper was successful and Mr. Dreamy called me and did the interview. He even texted me after we got off the phone to apologize for being a little short with me in the beginning of our conversation. I hit up Dreamy's bestie to thank him for helping with that. Then we chatted for a bit and I got on him about not having accepted my Facebook friend request yet. This is when he tells me that Mr. Dreamy actually gave him some weird ominous warning about me and told him I wanted monogamy and a serious relationship.

This apparently made Dreamy's bestie apprehensive to friend me on Facebook because he was concerned I would post all kinds of stuff to his wall. Since he was still friends with his ex-girlfriend and hanging out with her all the time, he didn't want her knowing he was being "slutty". I told him that I don't really post a lot of things to people's walls in general, especially dudes with whom I'm just casually involved, because I don't want to blow up my own spot. I already knew about the shit with his ex though because he told me the night we met. I'd also told him about the Christian Grey of my life and how he was coming to visit and whatnot. So for the time being, I had zero interest getting seriously involved with anyone because that would hinder my plans.

I also then made it very clear that Mr. Dreamy was incorrect as far as what my intentions were with his bestie and explained that based on his current situation and sexual proclivities, I wasn't interested in dating him... which was awkward as fuck for me considering his little breakdown on my bed and my subsequent lie to placate him. Mr. Dreamy didn't know that had happened so I don't think he understood why putting me in the position to have to explain that was so uncool. 

Meanwhile I'm sitting there like "Holy fuck. I'm gonna kill that motherfucker." For real, who the hell does Mr. Dreamy think he is anyway having any kind of relationship discussion about what I want with the dudes I fuck?!? That shit is highly inappropriate. He may have warned him because he thought he was looking out for his friend but I doubt it. I think he did it either because he was jealous and wanted me out of that picture or possibly because he knew it would fuck with me.. If the latter is the case then touché Mr. Dreamy. Touché.

But I did bail myself out by telling him that I thought he'd make a great "special friend with whom I have interesting and intelligent conversations" and that the only relationship I was interested in having with him was a light sadomasochistic one.. That was actually true. This pleased him so he responded saying that he was down and that I was to refer to him as "Sir" in all future communications. I laughed because I thought it was cute that he thought I was going to be his slave.

It was amusing to me because, for someone who'd claimed he is the dominant one who never gives up control, he'd damn sure relinquished way too much of it to me and was never getting it back. I'd even pointed that fact out that night after I'd taken control from him when I did some things to him off a certain page of the Cheesecake Factory menu that most men don't usually let me do but I figured he'd love based on his... how should I say this?... predispositions regarding his sexual orientation. Dreamy's bestie responded to his loss of control by saying he didn't know how that happened and he just went with it and that I'm "Too much of a spitfire to ever be a typical sub." 

This is very true. I'm not a typical sub and would never be anyone's slave. Even the Christian Grey of my life knows better than to ever refer to me as such because he knows that in my case I only play a submissive role for my own fun and pleasure. I guess with the whole 50 Shades of Grey craze being such a big thing right now more people, particularly the ladies, will feel me on this.. But a lot of those toys and devices and shit are super fun good times. Also, there is nothing hotter than being tied up whIle somebody has their way with you.. which is why 50 Shades of Grey appeals to so many women. 

Personally though ladies, it's also super fun to be the one doing the tying and way having yourself. It gives you an opportunity to put in work and demonstrate that you are the pornstar sex goddess of the universe and also give a dude a blow job without him constantly trying to push your head down and shit.. Cause for real fellas, we hate that.. Plus, as I've mentioned in prior posts, if a dude can't pull my hair, smack my ass, and hit it from the back properly then, I'm sorry but this will just never work out. But that's not a submissive thing.. It's just a good sex thing... There is a difference. 

However, if you want to get into legit BDSM terms, I would actually be what's called a "Switch" because I like to switch it up and be both dominant and submissive. Generally I tend to be both with the same people.. But all of it usually depends on the person and my mood.. and if I'm drunk. Kinda figured based on Dreamy's bestie's spitfire comment though, that he knew all that. I did refer to him occasionally as Sir after he asked me to... But only when I was trying to be cute because I thought it was funny or when I wanted something from him.

Anyway, after I posted up my Dreamy Band Show quadruple post extravaganza, Dreamy's bestie got all mad. He called it a bad tabloid article that promoted drama and not information and said that he found the narrative dry, the questions weak, that I talked too much about myself, and that the whole thing displeased him. He didn't like the format or the things I'd said about Mr. Dreamy's band. I'd never really had anyone give me negative feedback like that before. I knew the day would come though so I tried to put my sensitivity about my work aside and treat his criticism as a constructive learning opportunity to improve my blog.

A couple days later, I got a Facebook invite from Mr. Dreamy for his band's cover show at a bar near where I live. I texted him and asked if he was sure if he wanted me to come out because I wasn't trying to get ambushed and shanked by his bandmates. He got all short and said "Feel free not to come." I got pissed and was like, "If you don't want me to come then why did you include me on the damn invite?!?" He also asked when he could come pick up his bestie's shirt because Dreamy's bestie has asked Mr. Dreamy to get it from me. I told him not to come over though because I just couldn't fucking deal with him in person.

I then hit up Dreamy's bestie and asked him why he wanted Mr. Dreamy to come pick up his shirt when we had already agreed that he would come over to get his shirt himself when we both had some time to play after my upcoming weekend with Christian Grey. He said he'd see Mr. Dreamy before he would see me so I called him "Sir" and told him Mr. Dreamy had been rude and pissed me off but that I would possibly come to the show since Christian Grey said he was down to go and bring him his shirt since he would be there. I also said I'd consider giving the band a redo and would possibly write a more favorable post if their show merited it.. all of which he said pleased him. *Makes Leslie Chow jacking off dice rolling hand gestures*

I was on the fence about actually going though because I didn't want to make one of my 2 precious nights with the Christian Grey of my life about drama and bullshit.. especially after I finally ended up hearing back from one of the other guys in the band who actually wasn't mad about the article. He just wanted to ask me about some things that Mr. Dreamy had said so he could work things out with his friend and bandmate.. which I thought was very awesome and mature of him to do. Seems at least one person took my post in the spirit in which it was intended. 

But he told me that when he tried to talk to Mr. Dreamy about the situation, Mr. Dreamy told him the stuff I wrote was "a creative interpretation and complete lie" which dude didn't believe because he didn't understand why someone would say untrue things knowing the whole band would read them... which is correct.. Actually I wouldn't because that would be libel and I could get sued. But when I read the message I was like WHAT THE FUCK?!?! First the inappropriate, ominous warning and now this... I was super pissed. Mr. Dreamy had seriously become Mr. Worst Fucking Nightmare. 

Meanwhile I'm texting with Dreamy's bestie about whatever and said if I came to the show he'd have to protect me from possible shanking. Then after I read the message from dude I asked him if Mr. Dreamy had told him I lied in my article as well because that would definitely explain why Dreamy's bestie had thrown the word "slander" at me. He responded and said he couldn't be more disinterested in this kind of drama and whatever... and that was when I reached my breaking point with him and told him he needed to watch it because I'd already had enough of Mr. Dreamy being all short with me and didn't need it from him too. 

He apologized and said he was neutral like Switzerland.. which is bullshit because I could tell the only reason he'd gotten on my case about that article in the first place was because Mr. Dreamy was probably pissed. I then asked him why he was so sour over the post when I'd actually said favorable things about him it.. which was clearly lost on him. I then proceeded to defend myself and my work because I put a lot of time and energy into writing that piece. I didn't create any of the drama in it. All I did was air it out and give my honest opinion and really wasn't even that harsh. I told him the reality of the situation was that if I'd been from a straight up music pub or a bigger site and didn't know any of the guys personally then I'd have either slammed them harder or dropped the story.

He took awhile to respond so I said in a smart ass way, "Guess I've now displeased you even more Sir." Then he texted me back finally and said I actually hadn't and that he appreciated my defense and points I made and he understood where I was coming from. So at least that finally deaded the damn tyranny over my blog post because the whole situation between him taking out Mr. Dreamy's unhappiness on me and anxiously anticipating why other band dude wanted to discuss the post had me beyond stressed the fuck out all week. After that though, things calmed down and we actually had nice little scandalous conversations that were more fun.

At least preparing for the arrival of the Christian Grey of my life made me happy. He had actually complimented my article and tried to help calm me down during the backlash. If it hadn't been for him I'd have seriously flipped my shit. He's so great... But while I was out grocery shopping last Friday and getting things ready for my super sexy guest, I got a text from Dreamy's bestie asking if we could talk. He had been considering getting back together with his ex and wanted my advice "separate of our Master/Slave arrangement as a woman" on whether or not I thought that was a good idea. I made Leslie Chow jacking off dice rolling hand gestures at that Master/Slave shit and about fell over in shock that he even wanted my opinion.

So first, we got into this whole debacle because he asked me to bear in mind that he is a sociopath devoid of "normal" human emotions. I'm like "Dude, you're not a fucking sociopath. My dad was a psych prof. I've taken psych classes. My first word was 'Freud'. Trust me, you don't fit the textbook definition." He tried to argue me on this. He's not a fucking sociopath though because if he was he wouldn't care if he hurt anybody. True sociopaths would have just kept lying while they were still in the relationship without concern or remorse as to the consequences. 

But I heard that word thrown around more times in that little group of people than I cared to even bother to count and that annoyed me on principle. People need to stop trying to label themselves with incorrect psychological diagnoses just to excuse their own fucked up, rude, selfish behavior. Even a correct diagnosis doesn't excuse it because the point of knowing you have a certain mental health disorder is to learn how to manage it so you don't act like a psycho toolbag. I have ADHD and mild Asperger's Syndrome. It affects my dealings with people in some pretty adverse ways at times, and while it justifies how I act, I don't ever expect anyone to treat my behavior like it's acceptable based on it. I believe that even people with mental and psychological impairments should still be held accountable for things they do to some extent.

What Dreamy's bestie fits the textbook definition for whether he believes it or not is actually a classic codependent. I know because I've been in my own Adult Children/Codependents Anonymous recovery for the past like 4 years now and I still attract other codependent people like honey badgers to a beehive. It's a subconscious thing that the book calls "My Shadow". But based on what dude told me about who his father is and whatnot, he fits the bill. Codependents don't process or express typical emotions and feelings in "normal" way and we're really good at bottling and suppressing our feelings because it's how we cope with shit. I actually had to get professional help just to learn how to express simple feelings like being happy or angry in a genuine and healthy way. True story.

Anyway, I asked some info seeking questions so I could give him good advice, starting with if she knew he was bisexual. He said "She does now." So I asked how she took the news and he said she was surprised, but overall it went well, aside from her insecurities and trust issues that he hangs out and goes on tour with attractive men all the time. The fact that she was surprised by his revelation was astounding to me though. There is a reason I lovingly refer to this dude as "My little fembot". Like I said, I had to ask about his sexual orientation when I met him because I thought he might be gay.. Usually I go for more super dudish dude types but something about his androgynous vibe appealed to me. Still I wouldn't be shocked if he ever did wake up one morning and just legit come out of the closet. I really have no clue how she didn't pick up on any of it.

He also told me she wanted monogamy and wasn't OK with participating in any guy on guy on her situations nor with him continuing his sexual lifestyle separately of her... That did not surprise me. Considering his desire to be bisexually free without hurting her or having to lie about it anymore, I told him I thought it was best to just do both himself and her a favor by cutting her loose. She might be upset but she'd get over it. I explained that this is what I meant when I'd told him before about the whole sexual proclivities thing. Most heterosexual women are not OK with the thought of their boyfriends or husbands having sex with another man under any circumstances at any time. Period. 

Personally, I don't really care what somebody does if we're in a casual situation and I said I'd watch him bang dudes all day. But if we were in a relationship, I'm not so sure I could hang with that either. Some people are of a mind that bisexual people are just being greedy. That may be true. But I think bisexual people.. and I mean truly bisexual people, not the drunk chicks who make out with each other in clubs for attention from dudes and maybe have that one scandalous threeway one night because they wanted to be wild.. I mean bisexual people, especially men, who actively and regularly pursue and have intimate relations with people of the same sex are really just trying to make up their minds because something is holding them back. I've known a lot of people like this who've gone back and forth and then finally woke up one morning like "Yeah, I'm gay." And that's great and totally something I can accept and support in a friend or family member... But not really from my significant other cause as shitty as it might sound I'm not really trying to set myself up to get left for another dude. Another chick is something I've successfully dealt with.. But another dude.. Yeah, I can't win that.

Based on what I know of him though, since he'd said she couldn't satisfy all of his needs in that department I had no doubt he'd get to a point where he'd probably end up cheating on her with a dude or something and hurt her even more. He should just be himself and do what he wants and find somebody else who is more open and shares similar views on sexual freedom and whatnot. There are people out there who are just like him so he should find one who makes him happy that accepts him completely for who he is... like maybe Mr. Dreamy perhaps.

Well I don't know what response he actually expected of me.. like maybe he thought I would call him Sir and beg him not to go back, which was NEVER going to happen.. But he said he was disinclined to take my advice because he considered it biased. I'm like whoa there.. My response was, "Not really.. I actually tried to be as objective and honest as possible based on what I know of you and also because I've been in a similar position. I kinda saw the possibility of this coming anyway. It seems like all the dudes I'm intimately involved with at the moment have all recently gotten out of serious relationships.. But of the 2 guys I guess I'm the closest to right now, you're actually not the one I'd give the biased advice to.. It's (Christian Grey). If he was considering getting back together with his ex I'd honestly say anything to change his mind because I've been in love with him for years." 

Sorry dude. Christian Grey even knows exactly how I feel because I make no secret of it and never have. Doesn't mean it has any real bearing on the situation between us and never really has. Things are what they are exactly the way they are for a multitude of reasons that we both understand and accept. Regardless of that though, I don't want to lose him again now that he's back in my life. He's one of the few people I actually feel close enough to that I can be myself completely around and drop my guard without fear because I trust him with my life. I've needed him some days more than I needed air and I've felt kind of lost the past year or so without him. I figured Dreamy's bestie got that because we talked about it when he brought up his whole situation with his ex and I said I didn't care for that reason. I also told him during that awkward warning conversation that part of why I didn't want to date him was because we were both a little too hung up on other people for it to work. Didn't mean we couldn't still have fun. 

But I guess that displeased him too because then he told me he'd just received disheartening news that he got passed on for a project and saw it as a sign he should cease our "arrangement". Whoa there again.. Between the "Master/Slave arrangement" comment, dismissing my advice because he considered it biased, and then blaming his bad news on me when I had nothing to do with it, I finally had to put this dude in check and tell him that while I was sorry he hadn't gotten the news he wanted, it was not my fault in any way so he needed to look elsewhere on the bad juju front. 

Furthermore, I told him that we have no arrangement. I'm still not even quite sure where he got that from and clearly we are not viewing this situation even close to the same way at all. An arrangement denotes a regularly recurring thing which, to me, one night and a few texts do not make. We may have had an understanding.. But not an arrangement. This dude is a one-nighter I stole from someone else just to piss them off and make them jealous as retribution for their douchey behavior. I even referred to Dreamy's bestie mostly as "Mr. Dreamy's Little Plaything".. and was actually trying to stop doing that because I felt bad. But all I want to know is where the fuck was my warning Mr. Dreamy? Seems maybe it was given to the wrong person.

I was trying to make a conscious effort to separate him out from how we met and why we came to be where we were and stop looking at him as being affiliated with Mr. Dreamy because I was trying to treat him like a real person.. But he fucked that all up once he called basically called me some biased slave. We even mostly texted with about platonic shit anyway rather than sexting and/or anything really BDSM related. He didn't even pick up on that fact that I only called "Sir" every so often as a manipulation tactic because I know he got his jollies off on it.

But all that shit seriously annoyed the absolute fuck out of me and pissed me off. That's some serious codependent bullshit and I won't tolerate it. I've worked way too hard to purge that shit from my life.. all of which I told him. It really doesn't matter how much I like anybody because I have to treat everybody as expendable on some level. It makes it easier to cut ties if the relationship turns toxic. My personal boundaries I set are absolute. If you violate them then I will tell you. It's on you to then make amends and make an effort to respect that boundary going forward. Then should I ever cross your lines, I will reciprocate and we'll be better friends and people and grow and shit. According to my recovery stuff, that's how healthy relationships of any form, be them romantic or platonic, should work. But if you can't do that then you can get the fuck out of my life.

Well, he didn't do that amends shit. I guess he took my boundary setting as me writing him off. I at least did try to attempt to let him know that wasn't the case the other day. I checked in on him because I saw this sad, passive aggressive Facebook status about things ending sloppily and that he was about to lose his shit. It concerned me because I do care and can't have my little fembot slitting his wrists or doing anything similarly drastic. Turns out he did follow my advice and said he'd ended things permanently with his ex because she's managed to harm him to the point he wasn't even willing to be friends anymore. I asked what she did but he didn't tell me.

For real though it's kind of irrelevant. My guess is whatever she did was probably something he pushed her to do anyway because he wanted to change the progression of the situation and put her in his debt. Codependent people who want change in a relationship will do whatever they can to drive the other person away to the point that person does something that the codependent can then place the blame on them for that they claim is bad enough to terminate the relationship. It's a control tactic to get that person to come back and apologize so the codependent can hold whatever over them. But it can backfire if the other person in the situation is not a codependent. No doubt some of you out there are having an Aha moment cause you've been in that situation before.

I'm guessing it worked though because I saw something on my Facebook feed that he was now in a relationship. Guessing that means my little Les Liasons Dangereuses wager with Christian Grey is off. Oh well... C'est la vie. Que sera sera and all that. I do like Dreamy's bestie as a person and a friend. I also appreciate the fact that he unlocked a part of me with regard to indulging my own sexual freedom that I had suppressed and buried for years in a mound of shame and bullshit that I actually need to find a balance on so it will stop manifesting itself as more destructive binging. But since I had put it in the same hole with my other codependent behaviors it let the rest of the shit out with it. 

One of the many things I love about the Christian Grey of my life is he has a very calming effect on me. Whenever I go off the chain and get all hyper, he knows exactly what to say to bring me back down and level me out. Maybe this is because he's like the dude version of me and understands me so well. While he was around I did start to chill out a bit which helped me to start seeing the forest for the trees and I realized that Dreamy's bestie was hitting my triggers. But Christian Grey even laughed at me and the whole situation and told me I thrive on this kind of drama and eat it up.. That I love to kick the beehive and then watch all the bees flip out.. then kick it again and stir shit up and again and again.. until I get bored of it. Then I'm out like "Good luck with all that." As bad as it sounds, he's totally right. I fucking love it. Hell, I'm kicking the shit out the beehive right now.

I will say though that I think Dreamy's bestie helped facilitate strengthening my bond a little more with the Christian Grey of my life because we've actually been even more honest and open with each other lately than we were before. I told him about what happened with Dreamy's bestie because I can't lie to him and he was fine with it. He even wanted details. Actually of all the people in this weird Dreamy triangle, it would seem that I'm the only one who doesn't have to lie to the person they legit care about just to go bang other people.  I find that extremely ironic.

Meanwhile, I'm still stuck with this damn shirt that I've been trying to get Mr. Dreamy's bestie and now even Mr. Dreamy, because I can't deal with his bestie in person at the moment, to come get for like 3 weeks. I even brought the shirt out to the Dreamy Band Bar Cover Show to return last weekend but he didn't end up even coming out to it like he'd been saying he would. I'm tired of having it hanging over my head cause this thing has become the bane of my fucking existence. Christian Grey told me to throw it away. He said whenever chicks leave shit at his house it goes right in the trash. Well I feel like that's a bit of a waste. So I've decided to keep it as a little souvenir of my little souvenir and memento of our one magical evening we shared. Why?

Well it actually fits me quite nicely and looks dope on me...

It looks dope on Kirby the Koala Bear too and he could do with a new shirt cause he's been wearing the same one for 3 decades now. Though on him it looks more like a Harry Potter robe...

It also has multiple everyday household uses like...

A dish rag....

A regular rag...

A potholder cause you can never have enough of those...

A pirate flag for the loft to let all ye know Miss Slik be the scourge of all the Fair Lakes...

It also makes a lovely cape on Felicity...

And an awesome super hero cape on me... 

.

I call myself The Douchenator.. Dealing karmic justice to those who deserve it... Able to leap assholes in a single bound... Making the world a less douchey place one blog post at a time. Get at me Stan Lee!

There's me flying with my trusty sidekick Pouncer Pooch enemy of crotches everywhere....

The list goes on and on...

The moral of the story is folks, be yourself and do what makes you happy.. which is something I keep stressing in a lot of my posts. But stop lying to the people you care about just to do what you want. It's selfish and immature and ultimately will probably come back to bite you in the ass. If the people who say they care really do then they aren't going anywhere.. and if they do, it's probably just temporary so they can process and they'll most likely be back.. But if they can't accept you and don't come back then you just have to learn to let them go because they weren't in it for the long haul anyway. Either way, you can't let their reactions paralyze you because life is just too damn short to spend even 5 minutes of it unhappy.

And finally, let this be a lesson to anyone who leaves their shit in my apartment from henceforth and does not come back to get it in a timely manner cause I'm serious. I'm really keeping that shirt. It's still hanging from the loft knee wall with the Jolly Roger taped to it as we speak.

So until next time, stay tuned and stay up.

How I Tricked Out My Blog

Sooo just in case you haven't noticed my blog now looks waaaayyyyyy more super sliktastic now. This is how I spent my Sunday afternoon/evening and I definitely have to say it was worth the time. I did some research on best blog designs and it basically confirmed what I had suspected, that my blog design was too dark and not user friendly. I wanted to make it lighter, brighter, and better and I think I managed to achieve that. I found this tutorial on Sweet Verbena called Blog Design 101: Create a Header, Tabs, and Social Media Icons that walked me through how to give my blog the massive face lift it needed. I learned all kinds of new features on Blogger and used Picasa for the first time to edit all the pics for the header and links. It's awesome when you feel like you learned stuff!

First I made the new header with a free image I found online and then tweaked it to make it more my own.

Here is the link to the image I used so thanks to whoever originally made it:
http://www.bing.com/images/search?q=abstract+images+wallpaper+free&FORM=HDRSC2#view=detail&id=DC0EB849D46EEAD2E219D9B229BEBD912780B413&selectedIndex=33

I added sections by topic both underneath the header image and then also boxy picture links on the right side of the page.

I'm still working on the social media icons and I need to create a new Facebook page for the blog which is now my goal for this week. I ended up having to use Image Shack because I couldn't get Photobucket to work for me. But here are the icons I made. I think they look super cute.

I'm going to keep working on this because I want it to be as awesome as possible. But I figured I'd share so you all can see how this magic happened. This Sweet Verbena chick Katy definitely gets Miss Slik's BIG UP's for the day! I've added her blog under my Fave Blogs to Read section which I now have thanks to her. So definitely check that out because she's got loads of cool stuff on her page.

Miss Slik's Famous Recipe for Anti-Cellulite Coffee and Brown Sugar Scrub

OK, soooo last week when I was home sick with bronchitis I got super bored and started Googling home remedies for cellulite. This is a problem every single woman has no matter what age and size they are. Even super skinny size 0-2 bitches have cellulite... I know, I've seen it. I swear to you this is a fact. I found this particular remedy recurring on a few sites so I figure it must have some merit to it. I figured why not try it out and see if it works. Here is the recipe with my own tweaks:

Miss Slik's Anti-Cellulite Coffee and Brown Sugar Scrub Recipe

1/2 Cup Coffee (it doesn't matter what kind as long as it's not decaffeinated because the caffeine is what helps break down the cellulite)
1/3 Cup Brown Sugar
2-4 TbspWater
1 Tbsp Olive Oil (you can also use Coconut Oil)
2 tsp Raw Honey (this shit works for everything like a freaking miracle)

Put all of the ingredients into a container with a lid so you can keep it in the shower to use every day. The water is a guesstimate. Start with 2 Tbsp and add more if it still looks dry. You can also adjust the olive oil and honey to your liking. You're trying to make it like a paste or the same consistency of other scrubs you use. The nice thing is you can keep adding to it every morning after you make your coffee so you'll never run out.

NOW for the fun part... You want to get a bristley brush like a pedicure brush for this. Take some more olive oil or coconut oil and rub it into the area with the cellulite in a circular motion. Then brush your skin in an inward-upward circular motion-the key is to brush up towards your heart and the lymphatic system. After that you take the scrub and rub it on in a circular motion. Leave it on for a few minutes. You can also wrap yourself up in plastic wrap and let it seep in. Just do it in the shower or you're going to have coffee grounds EVERYWHERE. After it's done seeping in rinse it off. 

I've been doing it for the past several days. I noticed a slight difference in the appearance after the first time but as I continue to do it I can see it's breaking down a bit. But here was the best thing.. I have eczema on my legs that has been a bitch to get rid of and I'll be damned if it isn't gone after just one use of this scrub. My legs have NEVER been so smooth EVER. I can't use exfoliating body wash or any pumice anything on my body or I will break out in hives and bumps from allergies. But this stuff is all natural so it doesn't irritate my sensitive skin. On that strength alone this shit is fucking miraculous. 

Here are all the ingredients I use for it along with the brush, container, and also my little travel size bottle filled with olive oil that I keep in my shower.

That is what it should look like. It looks gross but I'm telling you it's good stuff. It actually smells pretty tasty though believe it or not. Theoretically it is edible but I wouldn't recommend eating it.

So there it is. Let me know if it works for you or how you tweak it to work better because I'd love to hear what you think.

WTF is Miss Slik's Guide to Gracefully Faking It Through Life ALL About Exactly?!?!

Now that the initial shock has worn off, I know you're DYING to find out.. Well then, let’s get down to some housekeeping for a sec. I’m all about bringing order to chaos… especially when that chaos is my own. So what am I going to do with this blog? The answer really is whatever the fuck I want. Before we go any further, be forewarned that I curse A LOT. Don’t lie, you know you do too. But if you have a problem with it then this probably isn’t the site for you. Just sayin. Moving on…

So this is a guide to life right? I’m a 29 year old single woman. If you are a single person in your late 20’s-early 30’s then you know exactly what that is like. All my friends are either married, married with kids, engaged, engaged with kids, or in serious relationships that are heading in that direction… OH WAIT! can't forget my bitter divorcee friends. But me, I'm all alone. It is Me, Myself, and I, Party of ONE. I’m the one at the singles table prowling the streets of the DC suburbs in search of my prince. I live in Fair Lakes which is a ridiculously expensive area so I’m ballin on a hardcore budget. How do I look so fabulous? By being one super thrifty MoFo! I will give you all my tips and tricks. I will also tell you how my ass both got to be and also how it has stayed a size 4 for the past 2 years because it wasn’t for a long time. Soooo most of my topics will center around things like dating, fashion and trends on a budget, fitness and diet tips, reviews of movies I’ve seen (not necessarily new ones since I’m not that cool), reviews on places I go to, reviews on products I try, stories of my random adventures, and various DIY projects because I get inspired to make things a lot.

Next, we’ll talk about dating. It sucks. I’ve been doing it since I was 15 and am convinced the only good things that can come from it are free food and drinks. It’s hard out there for a pimp and the reality is it is just getting harder the older I get. I’m on a dating website at the moment because the traditional way wasn’t really working out for me so I had to resort to finding dates on the internet. But whether it’s in a bar or online, I’m just not finding what I’m looking for. Somehow though, I remain eternally optimistic that I am not doomed to die alone. There has got to be somebody great out there. I’m just so tired of looking because this shit is freaking exhausting. It would be awesome if Mr. Right were to fall through my ceiling right now. God are you listening? Do you hear me? If you do then please send me a sign in 5-4-3-2-1-NOW…. And........ Nothing… If only it really were that simple. People I know you’re feelin me on this. Can I get a witness?

If I can be honest for a minute I will tell you my main motivation for starting this blog aside from having a little place all my own to dominate and air my every thought out, I WANT LOTS OF FREE SHIT!!! Yeah, I ain’t too proud to sell out so if you want to send me things to try out or send me to places or do things for me in exchange for some shameless promotions from me then please go right ahead and do that. When I say things and stuff the list includes, but is not limited too, beauty products, clothing, shoes, accessories, haircuts, manicures, pedicures, cool things for my apartment, tickets to events, recipes, food stuff, etc. If I like whatever it is then I will rep it like it’s my job because I truly believe in my heart that if something is good then EVERYBODY should know about it and use it. 

***For my readers-If you like my blog then please go to the very bottom of a post and look for the hyperlinks that say “SUBSCRIBE” and click on them. If you really like my blog then you should also hit those little hyperlinks that let you share it on various social media websites like Facebook, Twitter, Google+, etc. This is pretty crucial according to the research I did when I started this blog because it is the only way I will get free stuff to talk about and more importantly, how TIME Magazine will pluck my little blog from obscurity and rank it amongst the others and then declare it officially as the BEST BLOG EVER!

Finally, I encourage you to comment on the stuff I write so please feel free to find the little "Comments" sections at the bottom of each entry and have at it. I want to know what you think, how you feel, hear stories of your own experiences, and even call me out if you believe I'm full of shit or disagree with me IN A NICE WAY. I ask that you please be respectful to me and my readers when commenting because nobody likes a douchebag. Thank you in advance. Also, if you feel like hollering at me directly I've created a special email just for ya'll. It is AskMissSlik@gmail.com.

OK, now that our proverbial house is clean we can proceed from the general to the specific… Stay tuned because there is LOTS more to come! I’ve got some way cool things to talk about!

I STARTED A MUTHAF-ING BLOG!!!!!!

It has been suggested to me by several of my friends on Facebook that I should take my random stories of the day and little anecdotes and start a blog. This was probably suggested because they were tired of my page long posts dominating their News Feeds. However, I'd like to believe it was suggested to me because they find my stories funny, witty, irreverent, and interesting. So here it is. Welcome to my new blog! Make yourself at home. You might want to grab a snack, maybe pour yourself some wine (you'll soon find I'm very big on the wine thanks to KLG & Hoda), and settle in. I've taken the liberty of including below some of my compiled Facebook Random Stories of the Day and a few little stories from the past 6 months to kind of help get you familiarized with me and give you an idea of where I'm planning to go with this... "This" meaning my life which I still have no clue about and every day is like a work in progress. I will be posting new things often along with some pictures and whatnot. Feel free to comment and make suggestions. DO NOT feel free to be douchey when leaving comments (we'll call that Ground Rule #1). Anyway, I hope ya'll like it!

3/23/2013 – Random Story of the Day and Day #5 of being Smoke-Free... As part of my plan to replace smoking with exercise I'm going down to the fitness center at my complex for maybe the 3rd time ever. It is entirely possible I've just spent more time preparing to go to the fitness center than I actually intend to spend in the fitness center. I don't know what to wear to look like I fit in because last time some super skinny girl in spandex made me feel frumpy. I wish I had a leotard and leggings like Olivia Newton John or maybe a black leotard and some leg warmers like whatsherface in Flashdance... but unfortunately, I do not so I opted for a tank top and some clamdigger sweat pants. At least I do have a nice sweatband though. Either way, I have some mad cheesy 80's songs on my workout playlist and this is happening.

3/15/2013 – Random Story of the Day: This shot allergy situation has really screwed me up. I was out of stuff and had intended to go grocery shopping after I got off work Tuesday night... which didn't end up happening because I started feeling crappy that evening after I got the pneumonia vaccine. So I went after work today with the intention of only getting a few things I needed before going home to OD on Benadryl. A few things turned into a full cart.. which then turned into a full trunk... I thought as I walked out of Walmart to my car that, while I made necessary purchases and had only deviated slightly from my list I made Tuesday, I was perhaps a bit short sighted and this plan had not been thought out well enough. So I stood outside Walmart for awhile staring at my trunk and scratching my head wondering how the hell I was going to get all the groceries I bought out of it and carry it from the parking lot, to the courtyard, and up 3 flights of stairs to my apartment with only one good arm and my strong hand... I also had to factor in my suitcase I call a purse, my laptop, and of course, my extra large Slurpee. It took me 3 trips carrying heavy bags with my good left arm and light bags in my right hand with a brief pause for an asthma attack after the second trip.. But I did it. That ladies and gentlemen is a tribute to just how much will power and sheer determination I'm filled with.. and also how my ass stays a size 4. The moral of the story is: Don't ever get a pneumonia vaccine... and if you do, don't go balls out at Walmart while you still have a gimpy arm. No good can come of it.

3/8/2013 – Random Story of the Day: Watching this Bible miniseries on the History Channel, it occurs to me, wtf happened since Biblical times? We don't do all the same things in the name of God anymore so I guess that's why we don't get the same level of miracles. I don't know where to get my hands on an actual live lamb or a goat. Just wondering though if I sacrifice like a rack of lamb from Safeway would that be enough for God to let me turn water into wine or maybe part like a pond or a large puddle or something? I mean, racks of lamb aren't cheap but that wine trick could be pretty useful and I just paid my water bill. 

2/19/2013 – Random Story of the Day: Remember how when you were a kid every time Mother's Day or Father's Day rolled around you asked your parents "When is Kid's Day?" They would laugh and say something like "Every day is Kid's Day." At least that's the answer I always got. The whole reason these holidays for parents exist is to show them appreciation for all they do for us. But when we were kids our parents planted seeds in our heads that one day it would be our turn and we'd be taking care of them. If I knew the full extent of what I was agreeing to as a child I'd have advocated for that Kid's Day way harder or said "Well, when you're old then every day will be Parents' Day so it all evens out." Now it seems those tables have turned and I'm having to bug my parents about going to doctors, help them with things around the house, drive them places, run errands for them, get them to eat healthier, take vitamins, etc... basically all the things to help take care of them because they aren't as able to do it themselves either physically or have become laxed with regard to these things. The only difference is when we were kids if we didn't do the things our parents wanted us to do for our health and well-being then they could make us do it. We don't have the same ability to punish our parents for not listening to us and doing as we say even though it's for their own good. I spent months convincing my mom to go to the doctor for a checkup and when she finally went they found things that if she'd let go any longer could and would have been much more serious. Today I spent all afternoon and evening of my holiday off work straightening my parents' house, helping my dad organize and make dinner, taking down a Christmas tree, explaining to my dad why it isn't normal to keep a giant bag filled with empty coffee canisters, meanwhile convincing him to get to the doctor because I'm concerned he's been showing early signs of dementia as well as other physical issues, subjecting myself to his stubbornness and mood swings all while being mauled by a small, extremely hyper cocker spaniel. Why would I do this? Because I love my parents and it seems I have now entered the phase of life where it's my turn to begin to take care of them. As I drove home it occurred to me that there really should be a Kid's Day or some kind of Parental Caregiver's Day to celebrate everyone out there who looks out for their parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, former guardians, adopted older parental figures, etc. The reward of parenting is watching your child grow up and blossom.. Parental Caregivers don't get that. The rewards for them are very different. They come in small victories of getting your parent to a doctor and sighs of relief that they caught something early enough to be treated... and also from helping your dad to calm down long enough from being frazzled to make the best green bean bake EVER. The moral of the story is: I'm starting a letter writing campaign to Hallmark to get Kid's Day declared an official holiday because I think everyone who does this deserves an annual day of appreciation and celebration. It is a potential gold mine for all companies who perpetuate holidays of this nature and I for one would like a card and maybe some flowers and also a coffee mug that says World's Best Daughter because that would be awesome.

2/18/2013 - Random Story of the Day: So yesterday was like Baby's 1st Anti-Aging Cream Buying experience. It annoys me when older ladies tell me I'm too young for all that. Damn right I look young for my age. It's good genes and I get it from my mama. But tell that to the deep-set worry line in my forehead I've had for the past 4 years and the little smile lines I'm starting to get around my eyes and mouth. I'm trying to stay looking good for the rest of my life. It's all about maintenance, preventative measures, and preservation. I'm almost 30 which means it's time for a night cream. Night creams are different from day moisturizers because they are thicker and more intensive. So I did some research and found out that I don't need to go balls out on some expensive cream I can't really afford. L'Oréal Paris, Garnier, Olay, and Neutrogena have really stepped up their anti-aging game and have excellent products ranging from $11-$25. The Walmart in Fair Lakes has an entire anti-aging aisle in which I stood for about an hour yesterday googling and reading boxes trying to figure out which cream I wanted to try out. I ended up going with L'Oréal Paris Revitalift Anti-Wrinkle + Firming Night Cream for $12 to help my little lines and prevent new ones and Garnier Skin Renew Dark Spot Corrector for $15 because I have some red spots on my cheeks from acne scarring. Well it's too soon to tell on the night cream... But, I'll be damned if in just one use my acne spots are not lighter today thanks to the Garnier Spot Corrector. This stuff just might be a miracle in a tube. I LOVE products that do exactly what they're supposed to do faster and better than I anticipate them to work. If you have acne marks on your face then I'm highly recommending that you pick some of this corrector and try it for yourself. This post may seem kind of ridiculous but anti-aging is like a brand new world and unfamiliar territory filled with magic miracle tonics being pedalled by sheisty individuals claiming to have the fountain of youth in a jar. I'm not trying to get robbed for my vanity while attempting to keep my face in good shape since I'm stuck with it for another 50-70 years. Immediately finding something that works on my first attempt is like a massive victory. The moral of the story is, like it or not, anybody who's in their late 20's and older then you're in the same 'grown and sexy and intent on staying that way' boat that I'm in. Grab an oar and start paddling and welcome to that aisle of Walmart because that is where you live now.

12/29/2012 – Random Story of the Day: My plan for this week was to de-clutter my apartment and get organized. I'm working on cleaning out the loft today and just found a bunch of what can only be termed as memorabilia. It would seem my packrat behavior has finally paid off in some regard because I guess part of me anticipated my memory eventually going to shit. In one of the boxes Andie packed up like 4 years ago when I moved out of my old apartment I found proof that I've actually met at least half the people I'm friends with on Facebook. I found all kinds of business cards, old demo CD's, stickers, flyers, etc. from the past 10+ years. It's like my own personal archive of how your lives intertwined with mine. The fact that I never threw it out in some way shows just how much I inadvertently care... or that maybe I even believed some day you would be famous and I could say I knew you when you first got your start. So I guess the moral of the story is: Y'all need to get famous so I can sell this shit on eBay.

12/8/2012 – Random Story of the Day: So I was watching King Ralph and felt the need to google something the movie brought up that I didn't know. I got into reading stuff about the War of the Roses and learned about heraldry badges. That prompted me to look up my own family's heraldry. Little known fact you wouldn't know unless you're related to me or I've told you, our last name shouldn't have an E on the end. When my great grandfather was in the Army he signed his name with a flourish on the end which the Army mistook as an E and at the time that equated to a legal name change. All family genealogy stuff would have to be searched as Milbourn prior to the early 1900's unless you're looking up lines perpetuated by my great grandfather's siblings. Anyway, I've always known that Milbourn means the stones in the brook by the mill and refers to Scottish land divides. Well, my family comes from Northumberland which is apparently somewhere along the actual border of England and Scotland. They also held a seat in the Scottish House of Lords back around when they came out with the Doomsday Book... that's the nice part of the story. Guess somebody pissed them off a couple centuries later when they put up some wall (like Game of Thrones but this really happened) because they stopped having any allegiance and went wild. From what I read tonight, I guess that border was the land divide... and on this border lived a rack of noble clans called "border reivers". "Reivers" means to rob or plunder. The Milbourns were among these clans. They lived in a place ravaged by war where they couldn't farm because the land sucked for growing things but was excellent for grazing so they came down from their castles and robbed people of their livestock, kidnapped people for ransom, and were ruthless mercenaries. They killed anyone who trespassed regardless of nationality, so Scottish passing through trying to invade England and English invading Scotland. The monarchies on both sides encouraged them. The Milbourn clan was part of East March more to the English side which I guess explains why we have an English family crest. During the time of the War of Roses the border reivers had their heyday. They were constantly recruited to fight for either side if paid but were uncontrollable. They would kill anyone except their kin. The problem is only they knew who they were related to so the people hiring them stood a good chance of getting screwed out of their money.. and here's my favorite part.. They could claim either nationality and described themselves as "Scottish if forced, English at will, and Reivers by the grace of blood." The modern English word for reiver is ruffian. So basically, the moral of the story is I descended from merciless killers and ruffians... But not just any merciless killers and ruffians... NOBLE merciless killers and ruffians. Now there is a paradox. And I wouldn't have learned any of this had it not been for watching King Ralph for the millionth time.

11/9/2012 – Random Story of the Day: Since I'm the real life Leslie Knope I got inspired today and actually looked into running for public office. Unfortunately, it appears I may be ineligible to run for Mayor of Fairfax because I reside just outside of the technical city limits... which sucks because I'd make an excellent Mayor. We need more parades and advertising for our museums and historical sites to draw tourists from DC and I could totally make that happen. Not only would it be fun, it would generate an increase in revenue for the museums and local business owners. Seriously, who the F doesn't like parades?!? Anyway, if I can't be Mayor, I can run for the Virginia House of Delegates. I'm tired of little rocks from construction cracking my windshield of my car and personal property taxes are ridiculously high. Not everyone in Fairfax makes a million dollars a year and can afford to pay to replace their windshield annually and then pay these skyrocketing taxes on their cars after having to constantly pay to repair said windshield. Something needs to be done about this. So, to become a candidate all I have to do is collect 100 signatures and pay a filing fee. This is actually my best road to the U.S. House of Representatives and achieving my dream of having the floor yielded to the Distinguished Lady from the Commonwealth of Virginia so I can filibuster the hell out of those people.. and I will.. for days... and you know this... Then maybe they'll get so frustrated they might actually accomplish something for once just to shut me up... So, I guess my first question is are you a registered voter currently residing in the 35th House District? My second question is will you sign my petition? My third question is would you like to contribute to my campaign (seriously, t-shirts, buttons, stickers, yard signs, and those flyers in your junk mail cost money)? And my fourth and most important question is will you Vote For Niki?

11/2/2012 – Random Story of the Day: As you know, I went to the doctor for an ear infection a few weeks ago. While the nurse was taking my blood pressure she asked me if I'd put anything in my ears. I said I only used Q-tips... Well, apparently cleaning your ears with cotton swabs is bad and you should never use them for that... Let me say this again... You should never use something specifically invented to use to clean the wax out of your ears for cleaning the wax out of your ears. They push the wax back and you can end up with wax build up. You're supposed to use hydrogen peroxide. I didn't have any hydrogen peroxide... until today. You can pick up a gigantic bottle of it at Target for $0.87, which is significantly less than a box of cotton swabs. I didn't know anything that big was that cheap. Well, I just cleaned my ears and dumped a cap full in each ear.. only maybe 1/3 of that actually got into each ear. The rest got on my shirt. It's weird and just doesn't feel right. This stuff bubbles in your ears the same way it bubbles on cuts, but when it's in your ears you can hear it. It sounds like a bowl of rice crispies once you add the milk. So now I'm covered in hydrogen peroxide and my ears are snap, crackle, popping like nobody's business. Hopefully they're at least clean now... Try it the next time you're bored.

10/17/2012 – Random Story of the Day: I used to have a dog named Lily. She was a German Shepherd/Pit Bull mix with batfox ears that pointed up so she always had ear problems. She got some bad ear infections and I would constantly have to put drops in her ears, which she hated, and put a cone around her head so she wouldn't mess with her ears, which she hated even more. She used to ram her cone covered head into things and I thought it was funny even though I was her mommy and I felt bad for laughing because I knew she was miserable. But, now I have to put drops in my ear because the doctor prescribed them for my ear infection. While these drops are freaking magical because people no longer sound like robots, they are making my ear itch inside like crazy and all I want to do is stick a giant Q-tip down in there so far it touches my brain and just wiggle it to get out the crap that is blocking it up. Since I can't do that and I keep touching my ear which I know is bad because it's not helping it, I'm thinking that I need one of those cones to put around my head so I'll leave my ear alone. Then I can ram my cone covered head into things in an attempt to both dislodge this blockage and/or also to amuse myself because this ear infection sucks ass. The moral of the story is, karma is a bitch, I miss my dog, and don't be surprised if I end up on You Tube with a cone around my head ramming into things.

10/13/2012 – Random Story of the Day: I was about to go to bed and realized I forgot to take the trash bag I set outside my door earlier down to the dumpster. I didn't want to get fined by my leasing office if they found it tomorrow morning so I put on my coat and furry boots and grabbed my flashlight. I started down the first flight of stairs, got to the landing, and heard a noise above me... I looked up and all I saw was little claws and I just froze. I stood there having a panic attack shining my flashlight at the stairs to see where this thing was hiding, which was maybe 5-6 feet from my front door. It moved and poked its bushy tail out between the stairs. I started having flashbacks to the raccoon attack and seeing black spots and hyperventilating. Well, obviously I wasn't about to walk underneath this thing... So what do I do? Ok... I took off running as fast as I could down the other side of the stairs, around the pool, up the stairs to the dumpster, shining my flashlight frantically in every direction the whole way... stopped... had an asthma attack, put my trash in the dumpster, took my phone out of pocket in case I needed to call 9-1-1, braced myself and realized I was still outside and right in the middle of raccoon central and I needed to get the fuck out of there... then took off running back down the stairs, around the pool, back up the other side of the stairs.. then I stopped.. Would you believe that fucker's stupid tail was still poking out through the steps? I started running up the rest of the stairs praying.... "Dear God, please don't let this thing attack me or follow me in when I get to my front door. I don't want to have to get another rabies series." God was on my side tonight for a change. I made it safely back inside. But the moral of the story is, I am being held captive in my apartment by an unidentified woodland creature. Can someone please check outside my front door and make sure it is gone? If not, I may get my gun and shoot it and make a fascinator out of it.... which might be considered slightly "illegal".

10/10/2012 – Random Story of the Day: I haven't had Chick-fil-a in months because I've been supporting the boycott and I've been FIENDING for some good chicken. But I'm staying strong. So, I decided to make my own and did a combo of the Chick-fil-a recipe and a simple recipe from my Better Homes & Gardens cookbook. While I was at it, I figured I'd get fancy with it and took the drippings and made country gravy. Then I threw it all on some biscuits... kind of like Chick-fil-a meets Cracker Barrel... and lemmetellyasomething... I shit you not, it was the best thing I've ever eaten. Now on the one hand, I'm sitting here wondering why I'm still single because seriously, if a chick made me this taste-gasmic mouth orgy of awesomeness I'd put a ring on it. On the other hand, I'm glad I'm by myself because that means I don't have to share or worry about getting fat from the bazillion calorie meal I just went straight buck on. So yay for me

9/30/2012 – Random Story of the Day #2: Google is the jam. In my 29 years of life, I've never once hard boiled an egg. I've eaten a ton of them, especially around Easter. I ♥ deviled eggs like no other (you're weird if you don't). I've cooked hundreds of dozens, maybe even thousands of dozens, of eggs in several other ways: scrambled, over easy, sunny side up, poached.. my omelettes are AMAZING... but never hard boiled.. until today. I found the most epic directions on WikiHow and it included pictures. This is a very involved, way more complicated process than I had ever imagined. But I'll be damned.. My eggs turned out AWESOME... not one hint of green, yolks perfectly yellow and centered, perfect texture, not even slightly rubbery. I'm super proud and feelin myself right now. I feel like I've just acquired a new skill and stepped my kitchen game up in a massive way. Move over MasterChef. It is so on.

9/30/2012 – Random Story of the Day #1: I met Bizmarkie once YEARS ago at a nightclub called Mirrors in DC. I was walking across the floor, when suddenly some dude bumped into me and almost spilled my drink. I turned around to give him a dirty look.. I looked up.. and it's MuthaF-ing BIZMARKIE. He said to me "Excuse me darlin. Sorry." I stood there paralyzed in absolute shock as he looked at me while my jaw was on the floor and all I could say back, very quietly, as he started to walk away was "Nobody beats The Biz. NOBODY beats The Biz." True story.