PoF Screen name: JJ1325
Real Name: J.J. aka James Alexander Jensen IV aka Metrosexual Magic Mike
Why Magic Mike? Because whilst on our date, aside from springing on me that he used to be married (cause nothing puts me in the mood quite like hearing all about your divorce), he told me he used to be a male stripper several months ago... Yeah, it's not even so much the former occupation that bothered me as the description of his "act".
Now get this... He loves rave music and all things rave. Like so much so that when we went downstairs and my friend who was spinning was playing house music, he kept repeating like every 5 minutes on the 5 minutes, "I just want to roll. I just want to pop a molly." OH MAH GOD dude, shut the fuck up about it! It's just Ecstacy. Do we need to make a special trip out to DC? I seriously wanted to smack the shit out of him and not in a dominatrix 'Call me Miss Veronika and lick my boot' sexual sort of way... more like in a 'dislocate your jaw so you won't be able to talk and can just sit there and look pretty like you're here to do' sort of way.
Anyway, bygones... You know those obnoxious glowy gloves that kandy kids like to wear to entertain themselves when they're rolling? Yeah, he apparently incorporated those into his act along with wearing some weird, glow-in-the-dark contact lenses. I spent the better part of the night trying to picture this act of his. All I can say is if I went to a male strip club ready to make it rain and I saw that shit come out on stage, I wouldn't be turned on. I'd be fucking terrified. Considering he couldn't liquid for shit, it probably was somewhat terrifying.
I wouldn't be able to take anyone seriously if they were grinding on me trying to give me a lap dance with little light-up gloves or glow sticks in my face and a Vick's inhaler in their mouths. Believe it or not, it has actually happened before... But I was at a rave at the time so, while I still didn't find it the slightest bit sexy, at least the context was appropriate. I was like 16 though so back then I just laughed and walked away. Nowadays, my response would be, "How much do I need to tip you to get off me and get that fireman with the big hose over there to replace you?"
Also, it just didn't help that dude showed up wearing a pink shirt and bootcut jeans with more detailing sparkly shit on the back pockets than the entirety of a tweenage girl's wardrobe. He claimed he was into fashion and defended his shirt because he thought I had bagged on it when I spotted him while we were on the phone trying to find each other at the beginning of the night. I told him it was just meant as a means of identifying him when I asked "Are you wearing a pink shirt?"
The reality is that I really was bagging on his shirt. But, Niki Slik don't love them hoes nor does she ever admit to making fun of them to their faces when she's trying to fuck them. Ask me anything and I will always tell you "Of course not baby. I love your shirt. I think everything that you wear is sexy. I just think it would look better on my floor." The last sentence about the floor was the only part that is actually true. (Somehow I feel like a rack dudes I used to be "special friends" with are somewhere out there going "That bitch!")
Yes fellas, men can wear pink. But just because you can do something doesn't necessarily mean that you should. What I secretly felt like saying was, "Holy God dude.. For real, this is a pool hall, not a One Direction concert." Now, I like my men pretty.. And believe me, this one was. He had a stomach I could do my laundry on. However, there is a line. I'm sorry for dimming your shine guys, but your outfits should never have more glitter, sequins, or shiny shit on them than the lady you are dating.
That was actually not the end of the interesting fashion choices. I have four words for you: DayGlo orange nut huggers... Hold up! Wait a minute! I'm pretty sure he referred to them as "tangerine briefs". It was too much. All I wanted to know was "Where are the snaps?" This was the only time I've ever wanted to do it with the lights off just to see if those MoFo's glowed in the dark.
But here's what really got me... When he left as soon as I closed the door, I heard a scream out in the hallway louder and higher pitched than any horror movie Scream Queen in history. I quickly opened my door thinking he'd fallen down the stairs or something... No... The screams were all because he clipped the spider web on the frame of my front door.
This dude is a 6'5", like 240 lbs, ex-soldier who went overseas two separate times to go kill people and he's deathly afraid of this teeny-tiny, harmless spider that built its little home outside in my doorway. He told me I should get rid of that thing. I thought about it briefly and decided against it. That spider has ensured all Summer that no flies have entered my apartment because it catches them in its web to eat for dinner. We have a win-win situation going.
I look at this way... That spider benefits my life every day. Dude barely benefited my life for a few hours. Why would I fuck up my karma by killing my door spider and destroying its home to please some dude I barely know who was a sub-par lay with an average sized penis?
By the way... This advice is for the ladies, don't be fooled when a dude that tall tells you his penis is proportionate. I've been burned on that more times than I care to count. For the fellas, if you make it sound like you've got an elephant gun in your pants when all you're really packing is 9mm, I suggest you brace yourself for a look of extreme disappointment because it's coming. I may not be, but it definitely is.
On a sad note, I'm pretty sure the spider died the other day though and cocooned itself like Charlotte's Web. It's the closest thing I've actually had to a pet in several years so I'm kinda broken up about it. For real, I will genuinely miss that spider more than I will ever miss that dude.
The moral of the story is: Fellas, here is yet another example of what not to do. Ladies, again, dude is still out there cruising. He'd probably make a decent "special friend with whom to have intelligent, interesting conversations". But quite frankly, he's really not the kind of guy you can take seriously for a multitude of reasons.
Also, a memorial service for Gray Door Spider will be held in my doorway tomorrow promptly at 12noon. In lieu of flowers, I will accept Extra Large Slurpees.
No comments:
Post a Comment