Happy Super Freaky Friday Theme Songs!

Happy Friday My People! I don't know about you but I'm already in 3 Day Holiday Weekend Mode like whoa. It's hard to believe we've reached the end of Summer because I'm not ready to let it go yet. Anyway, we've got loads of stuff to get to today so let's make a dog burying a bone and dig in...

First up, the 2 CHAINZ Song of the Day! This is another track off the upcoming new album B.O.A.T.S. II: Me Time featuring Rick Ross and Future called My Cocaina...

Second is today's installment of Twerkathon OH-13. Seems like EVERYBODY has been having a giant laugh at poor Miley's expense along with us all week. In case you missed it, check out Happy Monday Theme Songs: Super Fresh 2 CHAINZ, Twerkathon OH-13 - Twerking Trainwreck, and Wiz Khalifa!  to see Miley's performance and whatnot. 

Anyway, this photo is courtesy of my Facebook friend Shaun and his status update this morning about a photo from an article in the New York Post. All I can say is WooOooOoooOoooW! GOOD LORD! I sincerely hope nobody takes this seriously because that is definitely NOT how to twerk like a pro.



New York Post

If you've been following along with our twerking tutorials at home or you are already a Twerking Veteran then you know just how wrong that is. The only step that's correct in there is Step 1 about the wide stance with your feet angled out... and half of Step 2 because, like I said the other day... You need to bend yo knees bitch! Bend yo knees and pop yo booty! 

And BTW, clearly this Gregory E. Miller dude is misinformed because popping your booty is not "old-fashioned". It is the foundation of booty bounce basics. If you can't do the plain booty pop then you'll never get the fancy, advanced shit down because all they are are variations of the original basic booty pop.

Today though, we're going to take a slightly different approach on the tutorials and get into some serious cultural dancing. Last week I mentioned in my post Happy HumP Day Theme Songs: 2 CHAINZ, Twerkathon OH-13, and More Fresh DnB that Nicki Minaj was rated by Fuse as the #1 celebrity twerker (NOT Miley Cyrus). If you're trying to learn some of Miss Minaj's dance moves then you have to understand the foundation for them.

Here is her video for Beez in the Trap featuring 2 CHAINZ. Pay especially close attention to her dancing during 2 CHAINZ part...

  

OK Class, today we are going to learn 2 of the moves she does: The Shimmy and The Vertical Figure 8. Believe it or not, those are belly dancing moves. Middle Eastern and African cultures have some overlap, particularly with styles of dance. They carried over into Dancehall Reggae as well because part of the "Wind-Up" are Figure 8's and isolations. Bet up until this moment you just thought "twerking" was nothing but some random shaking that required very little technique and had no foundation in legitimate dance huh? *Mind blown* 

As some of you know I'm a Euro-Arab mutt so belly dancing is a part of my Lebanese culture. I actually started learning how to do it last year as a fun workout. The series I learned from is also on YouTube by Belly Dance Boulevard. The username is BellyDanceB. Start with Lesson #1 because you definitely need a foundation. It is the basic movement from which all others follow and will teach you how to isolate your hips and booty from the rest of your body. ***THIS IS ESSENTIAL IF YOU WANT TO BE A GOOD TWERKER!!!

Hopefully you'll continue to Lesson #2 before continuing to Lesson #3 - The Shimmy. This folks, is where Miley went wrong. Unless you have a booty like the chicks in the rap videos, you can't afford to lock your knees because you can't sustain the amount of torque you need to wiggle your butt in a stance like that and make it look the way it's supposed to look. If you don't have a big booty or you just want to get more torque on your wiggles and wobbles, the best way to do that is "The Shimmy". I like this lady's approach about "waiting for the bus".  

Continue to Lesson #4 to learn Horizontal Figure 8's. Then Lesson #5 is Vertical Figure 8's...

It feels funny at first because you are going to move parts of your body you didn't even know you could move... But keep at it and you'll get it.

Now here are your songs to practice in front of that mirror gurrrrrllllll!! First one up is by OHBOYPRINCE....

I actually found it thanks to this video of a white girl twerking who puts Miley to shame...

And ya know we had to get some K-Stylis in...

And also NEW stuff... This is the latest single from Nelly featuring Nicki Minaj and Pharell and it is HOT... 

And because you should practice your wind-up... This is Freaks by French Montana also featuring Nicki Minaj...

And even more brand spankin NEW stuff... Found out the other day that the new Drake album Nothing Was The Same is set to be released on September 24th, 2013. Obviously I'm a HUGE fan of Young Money so I <3 me some Drake and I'm crazy excited about this album because I think the whole thing is going to be disgustingly sick and awesome.

Here are few tracks off of it...

This is my personal fave.. It's The Motion featuring Sampha

Next was the first single off the album that was released back in January when Drake announced he was working on this album... It's called Started From the Bottom and you've probably heard it a gazillion times...



Finally this song is called All Me and features Big Sean and 2 CHAINZ!

Hope this all got you in the mood to go buck for the next few days.... BOOM!

Happy Throwdowns and Throwbacks Thoroughly Twerked Out Thursday Theme Songs!

Happy Friday Eve everybody! We've almost survived the week so YAY for us! Today is one gigantic installment of Twerkathon OH-13 because that's what I'm feeling. So I've thoroughly twerked this MoFo out with tons of new and old jams I dug up just for you. So, let's make like this is a bubble and get it poppin...

First up, you know it.. The 2 CHAINZ Song of the Day! I'm still waiting for more leaks from the new album. But in the meantime, here is Trampoline by Tinie Tempah featuring 2 CHAINZ! 

Now before we go any further, I have to tell you that today's theme songs were inspired by my bestie Jeannie and our Tuesday Night Twerkfest in her kitchen. The following videos are courtesy of her... All I have to say is your shopping excursions at Walmart will NEVER be the same...

Part One:

Wait! It gets better! Part 2:

If you follow me on My Twitter or you've "Liked" the Miss Slik's Guide Facebook Page then that should explain the posts from the other night. (Click those links if you don't FYI BTW because you should be following and "liking".)

Also, thanks to all the twerking videos we watched I found a couple more songs I'm diggin that are a little slower and great for practicing in front of that mirror gurrrrrlllll!!!

And also...

Now, Jeannie and I tore through Diplo's Sound Cloud Profile the other night because I was hellbent on finding the 2 tracks of his I liked that were playing in the background of the Instagram video submissions he posted. I did not find them. Somebody please let that man know he should post the names of the songs in the captions to make it easier because that should not be quite this difficult.

Also, while you're at it, tell him he needs to lay off the Perculator bubble pops because they are in a giant rack of his tracks... You just can't beat the original.

However, I did find the 2 CHAINZ Song of the Day and also these 2 songs I like...

The DMV's own Wale featuring Travis Porter - One Eyed Kitten

And also Travis Porter - Wobble

Just in case you haven't noticed yet, I have a minor obsession with Travis Porter. He doesn't know. If he did then the restraining order would be pending (just kidding).

Now, I would like to share something personal with y'all... My own story of how I became acquainted with booty bouncing...

For those who don't know, I'm originally from Tampa, Florida and lived there until I was almost 13. Down there they start school the 3rd week of August so they had a rule that you have to turn 5 by the end of August to start Kindergarten. Well, my birthday is September 5th so I missed that cut-off and my parents had to put me in a montessori school to get around it.

The student age range was Kindergarten up to like middle or high school and I always wanted to hang out with all the older kids. Every day they'd have the boom box blaring and they'd dance. I love to dance. So I tried to go dance with them and they told me I couldn't because I sucked. Well, never one to accept defeat, I went home and I practiced like it was my job. I even enlisted the help of the teenage girls who babysat me at the time. One day I came back and busted out my best Paula Abdul body roll and they were like "OH! Look at Niki!"

Hold up.. Gotta take it there...

I became their little mascot after that and I had never been so proud. That's the moment when you look over at the kids your own age who made fun of you for wearing hi-tops with twirly skirts and told you that you had to be Irma every time they played Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just because you didn't have red hair and stick out your tongue and be all like "Suck it babies! Turtle Power THAT bitches!"

A few years later, I had to switch to public school because my parents couldn't afford to keep me in montessori school any longer. That's when I became a latchkey kid and I watched MTV like it was my job thanks to my babysitters getting me hooked on it. My parents never really censored me that much anyway so I pretty much watched whatever I wanted. One of my favorite shows was a dance show called The Grind. The Spring Break editions were how I got introduced to songs like this one...

 

One day I came home from school and turned on the TV. I must have ended up on The Box (cyber high five if you know about that). This video came on and shocked me...

Some of those chicks were wearing thongs and stuff and dancing in ways that they just did not show on the muh-F-ing Grind. It was over after that. I may have gotten in trouble for calling into The Box to request that song a few times.

Like I said I grew up in Florida so come Summertime all your old jeans become cut-off shorts. Mine became Daisy Dukes...

Also, of course I learned the Tootsee Roll...

And that's about when I got introduced to a man named Sir Mix-A-Lot and this song became my theme song. Bear in mind, while most girls were getting boobs, I was busy growing a booty... No lie... Here..

 I've had this mofo since I was 10 years old. Just took me some years to make the connection from the rap songs to real life and figure out why all the boys kept staring at it. True story.

And of course that is around the time I discovered my love of Uncle Luke. Last one is for Jeannie...

Don't stop get it get it... BOOM!

Happy Tuesday Theme Songs: Brand Spankin NEW Stuff and Twerkathon OH-13 - Who is the REAL King of Twerk?

Happy Tuesday My People! LOTS to get into today so let's do this! I can barely contain myself because there is so much new stuff out today or about to come out over the next few weeks... That's right folks, it seems it's Fall release time!

First up... I'm freaking DYING right now because the new 2 CHAINZ album B.O.A.T.S. II: Me Time which is set to be released officially on September 10th is being leaked bit by bit. That means we're about to get a rack of new 2 CHAINZ songs of the day!

So far you've heard 2 singles off the album, Netflix in yesterday's post Happy Monday Theme Songs: Super Fresh 2 CHAINZ, Twerkathon OH-13 - Twerking Trainwreck, and Wiz Khalifa! and Feds Watching in the post from a couple weeks ago that kicked this madness off Happy Monday Theme Songs From 2 Chainz!.

Here is another new one from the album that I'm feeling called Where U Been? featuring Cap 1...

Next up, don't act like you don't know it's time for today's installment of Twerkathon OH-13...

OK, so one of my proudest accomplishments recently was FINALLY learning how to make it clap. Here is the tutorial that I learned from because I think it's super helpful. What better way to learn how to clap your booty than from strippers since I'm pretty sure they invented that move? For real, you'll know you're doing it right because you will hear a clap sound.

Now let's get into something that I find super funny whilst we practice our new-found booty clapping skills... Who the F is the REAL "King of Twerk"?!?!?

Currently Diplo is out declaring himself as the King of Twerk. Between his outright productions and those under his Major Lazer project he's got all kinds of girls all around the world "expressing themselves" all over walls and furniture. He's also currently running a little instagram video submission contest where ladies are sending 15 second videos demonstrating their twerking skills.

(Ladies, before you get excited and make videos to start showing off your twerking skills that may be newly acquired due to this blog, bear in mind that if you do that then your bare booty will be on the internet for the entire world to see and hundreds of thousands of his followers to comment on. I've been reading the comments and some of them are pretty vicious.)

However, the number of actual twerking songs he's produced is quite lacking and the ones that exist are super hard to find... Believe me, I had to do some digging just to find this one for today. It's a track off the Kick Ass 2 movie soundtrack and it's called Earthquake. He co-produced it with DJ Fresh.. Real quick by the way, LOVE DJ FRESH! LOVE HIM LIKE IT'S MY FREAKING JOB! HAVE LOVED HIM SINCE BUZZ DAYS! VIRAM FOREVER!)

Anyway, between Earthquake, Express Yourself, like 2 others I can't find on YouTube, and some Major Lazer joints, which bear in mind are co-produced so Twerk King credit must be shared, the number of actual twerking tracks is pretty limited. He's pretty much coasting on current fan volume. So does this qualify him?

Fans can be fickle and their attention spans are short. If you don't continue to stay relevant enough then they're gone like the wind... and lemmetellyasomething, Diplo is 34 years old. Do you know how hard it is to be in your 30's and stay relevant to teenagers and people in their early 20's? Basically, I think if another newer, hotter, younger guy comes along and puts out a better song girls like "expressing themselves" to more then, unfortunately, it's Bye Bye Diplo. (Sidenote: When that happens, because it WILL happen, I would like to see a 2 stage twerk-off.. Kind of like Scott Pilgrim when the gorilla comes out and kills the dragon. Make it happen. Make it happen now.)

Now, there is another man out there who identifies himself as the King of Twerk and his name is K-Stylis. This man has a rack of twerk songs that call out specific booty bouncing instructions like it's a stripper square dance. I dare you. I triple.. NO.. I quadruple dog dare you to keep up with how fast he calls them out. Best Workout EVER!

So K-Stylis has the volume and if you search him on YouTube he definitely has the following too. The only problem with his claim though is that he is still lost in obscurity and has not put out anything new in about a year. I personally have become all about some K-Stylis so somebody please let that man know he needs to put out a new album. I will take it to the streets and promote it myself because that's how much I want that to happen. Maybe he and Diplo need to team up on something. (If that actually happens then somebody owes me a rack of money for suggesting it.)

However, I was always under the impression that the real Kings of Twerk were the Ying Yang Twins. By sheer volume and following they definitely had that crown for years...

Unfortunately though, they haven't put anything new out in awhile either... So alas, they lost their crown.

For me though, there is only one man I believe is the real King of Twerk. He's got the volume. He's got the following. And for real, I don't give a crap how old he is, he will ALWAYS be relevant... So relevant he still comes out with new stuff that just stays hot. This is hotness which has spanned 3 decades. That man's name is Mannie Fresh. 

Rumor has it that he has reconciled with Birdman and they are supposed to be getting back into the studio. Puhhhhleeeeeezzzzz let this rumor be true! Before I die, I just want Mannie Fresh, Juvenile, Birdman, and Lil Wayne to do a Cash Money Millionaires Hot Boyz Reunion.

  

That's not just good ish right there... That is the BEST ish right there. If you don't know, act like you know because you should.

Next, I promised you some more brand spankin NEW stuff so here goes... Thanks to the all-knowing 2 CHAINZ on Twitter, I found out that 3 albums dropped today: 1) Big Sean's Hall of Fame, 2) Juicy J's Stay Trippy, and 3) Goodie Mob's Age Against the Machine. Big day for hip hop for real...

So first, Big Sean's Hall of Fame... Hated it! Well, not entirely... I just couldn't really get down to the songs I listened to because Big Sean basically gets out-rapped on every track I heard including this one featuring Juicy J and Nicki Minaj. Frankly Nicki Minaj is a beast and dudes who aren't Lil Wayne, 2 CHAINZ, and Drake need to either step up their game or stop letting her be on their tracks because she shuts them down. Get 'em gurrrrrlllll...

Next is Juicy J's Stay Trippy... Hated it! Yeah, I mean that one... which is sad because I freaking love me some Academy Award Winning Three Six Mafia like you don't even know. It's basically a collection of boring, tired stripper anthems that took WAY too long to release as an entire album. And when I say stripper anthems, I mean every song I've heard off this album is about strippers, strippers, strip clubs, and more strippers. Maybe the album took a year to release because Juicy J was too busy making it rain.

The first single Bandz A Make Her Dance was released nearly a year ago on 9/11/2012. Seriously, I can't stand this song...

Also, Bounce It featuring the DMV's own Wale and the R. Kelly of our generation, Trey Songz, sounds exactly like Bandz which makes it boring...

And he gets out-rapped by A$ap Rocky on Scholarship... which also sounds way too similar to the other songs...

Finally, Goodie Mob has reunited after 14 years and released Age Against the Machine... All I can say is, who the F doesn't like Goodie Mob?!?! Cee-Lo is bananas dude. This song called Special Education featuring Janelle Monae is the jam and it has such a positive message. It's on the same page that I've been preaching from about how you should celebrate being a unique individual and not dim your shine for anybody and be "normal" just to gain acceptance.

 

Just be happy and do you... BOOM!

Happy Monday Theme Songs: Super Fresh 2 CHAINZ, Twerkathon OH-13 - Twerking Trainwreck, and Wiz Khalifa!

Happy Monday My People! Good Lord! We have A LOT to get into so in the words of Kendrick Lamar, let's make like this is a swimming pool full of liquor and dive in...

First up is, as per the new usual, the 2 CHAINZ Song of the Day... I <3 me some super fresh 2 CHAINZ like no other and it really doesn't get any fresher than this song that was just released this morning. It's called Netflix featuring Fergie and it's crazy hot.

Next up is Twerkathon OH-13 and all I have to say is HOLY FREAKING GOD DID YOU SEE MILEY CYRUS ON THE MTV VMA's LAST NIGHT?!?!?! It was baaaaaaaadddddddd... not baaaaaadddd meaning good but like baaaaaddddd meaning a horrible hot mess trainwreck that will haunt my nightmares for months. 

Just in case you missed it.. Hold up! Wait a minute! I got you! (WARNING: It's so disturbing that even the Smith family couldn't hide the looks of horror on their faces. Someone should've jumped on stage and been like "Stop it Miley! Can't you see you're scaring the children?!")



usmagazine.com

Here is the video on YouTube:

But the best place to go is directly to MTV's website and watch it there:

We Can't Stop/Blurred Lines/Give It 2 U Medley - MTV VMA's Performance

While she was grinding on Robin Thicke I seriously threw up in my mouth a little. I also don't understand what was up with her hair or those giant plush mouse bear things strapped to her fly girls. For real, the only good thing about that entire performance was when 2 CHAINZ and Kendrick Lamar came out. Thank God for them. I'm just not sure how they could keep straight faces while Miley was over in the cut humping that foam finger.

For real, somebody needs to let that chick know she's about as ratchet as a doily at a D.A.R. tea party and that one stripper booty wiggle move of hers does not count as "twerking". You need to bend yo knees bitch! Bend yo knees and pop yo booty! What's even more disturbing is the number of youngin white girls out there right now emulating her as we speak. Girls, please I beg of you, don't go out like that. It's not a good look and NOBODY will think you're hot or sexy except for drunk frat boys who will try to date rape you. 

Let's draw a quick white girl comparison shall we?

Fergie - Fergalicious

• Knows how to pop her booty properly.
• She looks hot riding a stationary bike in leggings.
• This video is how I learned to do a 3-point stand.  

Miley Cyrus - We Can't Stop

• Does NOT know how to shake her booty properly.
• Does NOT look hot riding a stationary bike in leggings (Fergie biter!)
• Should NOT be teaching young girls how to do any sort of stands period nor doing them herself because it just doesn't look right. 

The reality is that even though Miley "can't stop" she should really try HARD to stop for the sake of all of us. This is an example of when keeping it real goes way wrong. Even Twerkaholics Anonymous couldn't help poor Miley. I believe she needs an exorcist... and also needs to go back home and practice in front of that mirror gurrrrlll! Practice until the ghost of Ludacris pops out of that mirror...

Now for those of you who are not as severely twerk-challenged as poor Miley, here are your songs to practice in front of your own mirrors at home. Let that girl be your measuring stick of how far you've probably come in the past week from a hot mess toward actually being able to drop it like its hot thanks to all these instructional videos and continued practice.

Anyway, songs...

Read a great article today by a guy named David Turner called How Twerking On Vine Sent Years-Old Rap Songs Up the iTunes Charts. I'm diggin a couple videos he linked in it.

Sage the Gemini feat. IamSu - Gas Pedal

Now he posted the original of Finatticz - Don't Drop That Thun Thun Thun which is good... But I found the remix with Tyga that is better.

And now for the more serious stuff... A mini-tribute to Wiz Khalifa. My boy Quincy whom you might know as Uncle Jesse got me to get back on Twitter the other day. I started following Wiz Khalifa and I like his vibe. He seems humble and I like that he's about his fans. Look...

This is my boy E-Dub's fave because he's a Steelers fan...

This one featuring The Weekend is my personal fave...

This song is my mantra...

I stumbled across this one today featuring Smoke DZA. My favorite line is "Put that iPhone down fool. Don't try to Instagram me. That's ho shit."

And finally, this song featuring Bow Wow and RoZe called Run (Tell 'Em Dat) is like the new theme song for my life. The hook goes:

"Looking in the mirror talking to myself.

You have control over you and not nobody else.

Look I got plenty haters. They talk behind my back.

But I just do this shit. Y'all run and tell em that."

Basically...

 

BOOM!

More Adventures in Dating the Douchebags of PoF: Meet Metrosexual Magic Mike

So like a couple weeks ago I went out on a date with this dude whom I would also suggest avoiding or further subjecting to public scrutiny...

PoF Screen name: JJ1325
Real Name: J.J. aka James Alexander Jensen IV aka Metrosexual Magic Mike 

Why Magic Mike? Because whilst on our date, aside from springing on me that he used to be married (cause nothing puts me in the mood quite like hearing all about your divorce), he told me he used to be a male stripper several months ago... Yeah, it's not even so much the former occupation that bothered me as the description of his "act". 

Now get this... He loves rave music and all things rave. Like so much so that when we went downstairs and my friend who was spinning was playing house music, he kept repeating like every 5 minutes on the 5 minutes, "I just want to roll. I just want to pop a molly." OH MAH GOD dude, shut the fuck up about it! It's just Ecstacy. Do we need to make a special trip out to DC? I seriously wanted to smack the shit out of him and not in a dominatrix 'Call me Miss Veronika and lick my boot' sexual sort of way... more like in a 'dislocate your jaw so you won't be able to talk and can just sit there and look pretty like you're here to do' sort of way.

Anyway, bygones... You know those obnoxious glowy gloves that kandy kids like to wear to entertain themselves when they're rolling? Yeah, he apparently incorporated those into his act along with wearing some weird, glow-in-the-dark contact lenses. I spent the better part of the night trying to picture this act of his. All I can say is if I went to a male strip club ready to make it rain and I saw that shit come out on stage, I wouldn't be turned on. I'd be fucking terrified. Considering he couldn't liquid for shit, it probably was somewhat terrifying.

I wouldn't be able to take anyone seriously if they were grinding on me trying to give me a lap dance with little light-up gloves or glow sticks in my face and a Vick's inhaler in their mouths. Believe it or not, it has actually happened before... But I was at a rave at the time so, while I still didn't find it the slightest bit sexy, at least the context was appropriate. I was like 16 though so back then I just laughed and walked away. Nowadays, my response would be, "How much do I need to tip you to get off me and get that fireman with the big hose over there to replace you?"

Also, it just didn't help that dude showed up wearing a pink shirt and bootcut jeans with more detailing sparkly shit on the back pockets than the entirety of a tweenage girl's wardrobe. He claimed he was into fashion and defended his shirt because he thought I had bagged on it when I spotted him while we were on the phone trying to find each other at the beginning of the night. I told him it was just meant as a means of identifying him when I asked "Are you wearing a pink shirt?"

The reality is that I really was bagging on his shirt. But, Niki Slik don't love them hoes nor does she ever admit to making fun of them to their faces when she's trying to fuck them. Ask me anything and I will always tell you "Of course not baby. I love your shirt. I think everything that you wear is sexy. I just think it would look better on my floor." The last sentence about the floor was the only part that is actually true. (Somehow I feel like a rack dudes I used to be "special friends" with are somewhere out there going "That bitch!")

Yes fellas, men can wear pink. But just because you can do something doesn't necessarily mean that you should. What I secretly felt like saying was, "Holy God dude.. For real, this is a pool hall, not a One Direction concert." Now, I like my men pretty.. And believe me, this one was. He had a stomach I could do my laundry on. However, there is a line. I'm sorry for dimming your shine guys, but your outfits should never have more glitter, sequins, or shiny shit on them than the lady you are dating.

That was actually not the end of the interesting fashion choices. I have four words for you: DayGlo orange nut huggers... Hold up! Wait a minute! I'm pretty sure he referred to them as "tangerine briefs". It was too much. All I wanted to know was "Where are the snaps?" This was the only time I've ever wanted to do it with the lights off just to see if those MoFo's glowed in the dark.

But here's what really got me... When he left as soon as I closed the door, I heard a scream out in the hallway louder and higher pitched than any horror movie Scream Queen in history. I quickly opened my door thinking he'd fallen down the stairs or something... No... The screams were all because he clipped the spider web on the frame of my front door.

This dude is a 6'5", like 240 lbs, ex-soldier who went overseas two separate times to go kill people and he's deathly afraid of this teeny-tiny, harmless spider that built its little home outside in my doorway. He told me I should get rid of that thing. I thought about it briefly and decided against it. That spider has ensured all Summer that no flies have entered my apartment because it catches them in its web to eat for dinner. We have a win-win situation going.

I look at this way... That spider benefits my life every day. Dude barely benefited my life for a few hours. Why would I fuck up my karma by killing my door spider and destroying its home to please some dude I barely know who was a sub-par lay with an average sized penis? 

By the way... This advice is for the ladies, don't be fooled when a dude that tall tells you his penis is proportionate. I've been burned on that more times than I care to count. For the fellas, if you make it sound like you've got an elephant gun in your pants when all you're really packing is 9mm, I suggest you brace yourself for a look of extreme disappointment because it's coming. I may not be, but it definitely is.

On a sad note, I'm pretty sure the spider died the other day though and cocooned itself like Charlotte's Web. It's the closest thing I've actually had to a pet in several years so I'm kinda broken up about it. For real, I will genuinely miss that spider more than I will ever miss that dude. 

The moral of the story is: Fellas, here is yet another example of what not to do. Ladies, again, dude is still out there cruising. He'd probably make a decent "special friend with whom to have intelligent, interesting conversations". But quite frankly, he's really not the kind of guy you can take seriously for a multitude of reasons.

Also, a memorial service for Gray Door Spider will be held in my doorway tomorrow promptly at 12noon. In lieu of flowers, I will accept Extra Large Slurpees.