Why Does Dating Suck? Cause Dudes Be Trippin That's Why!

So as I mentioned before I'm a 29 year old single woman and I'm out in the dating world and even on a dating website. I mean I'm WAY out there on the market with a big sign that says "Will Date for Food". I'm not going to say which site though even though I suspect some of you reading this either are friends with me and you're on it too or I've met you through it and in some cases are now friends because we get along great platonically but it just didn't work out romantically. But I have tried a couple different dating sites and am currently on one that's free because the pay sites sucked even worse than the free one. Now I can't really speak to the caliber of the other women on there even though I've heard some horror stories. However, I have divided the men on there into 3 categories: The Players, The Stage 5 Clingers, and The Random Normal Few which are few and very far in between.

First off, I have to admit that I don't have a clue about what I'm doing. I question my pictures and whether they are too conservative, too revealing, too sexy, not sexy enough.. I'm not exactly trying to whore myself out on a dating website but I also don't want to come off as some super prude virgin either. I question my About Me section and if I sound too picky or bitter. I'm prone to ALWAYS saying the wrong things in chatting with these guys. I share WAY more than people probably want to know on principle (obviously). BUT, at least I'm honest about who I am. I cannot say the same about some of the dudes I have met on this site recently. Word to the wise, if you not only claim to have an "Athletic" body type and then took the liberty of posting a picture of yourself on your profile of you with 6-pack abs then that shit had better be current. If you show up with a double chin and a spare tire then what the fuck do you think my reaction is going to be?!? I wear my heart on my sleeve and my emotions all over my face. So if we're looking at each other in person, I'm about as good at hiding my disappointment as you are at hiding the fact that you gained A LOT of weight. Yes, I know looks are only skin deep and you shouldn't be superficial and blah blah blah yada yada yada.. I have 2 words for you 1) Fuck and 2) That. Fuck That! Most days I'm about as deep as a puddle and I'm OK with it. How easy do you think it is to stay a size 4? Not very! I spend a lot of time watching what I eat and doing lunges and shit. Sure I eat cookies like everybody else. But I don't do it all the time even though my Tyrone Biggums cookie addiction is so severe it merits it's own 12 step program because Cookie Monster ain't got shit on me. It's called "moderation" and part of eating healthy is about indulging occasionally so you don't go on a crazy junk food bender. And if I eat a cookie then I watch my calories for the rest of the day via my food diary and exercise a little more to burn it off. I care about how I look and make staying healthy and in shape a priority. I expect the same from any dude I date. Period. Why? Because bad habits either partner has breed shared bad habits in the relationship.

Here is an example of what I've been dealing with in the past couple days... I send a message to this guy. He seems cool. He gives me his number. I text him... and within 5 seconds he goes Stage 5 Clinger on me. He texts me A LOT. He then calls me when I don't respond immediately because I went to the bathroom and my phone was still on silent because I turn the sound off when I'm at work. I'm trying not to read too much into it until he starts telling me about the girls he's met off the site and how crazy they were... and also how they tried to get away from him but were sending mixed signals. **RED FLAGS! No bueno. DEFCON 5** Then he tells me his pet peeves, most notably that he doesn't like it when girls juggle multiple guys from this website and that since I'm the only one he wants to talk to then he should be the only one I want to talk to. **MAJOR RED FLAGS! Ladies and Gentlemen, we are currently elevating the alert from DEFCON 5 to DEFCON 4.** My response to him was that there are a couple of other guys I've been talking to and they seem cool. Since I haven't met any of them yet including him I see no reason why I should dead perfectly good, harmless conversations with anyone until I meet one or all of them in person and make a decision. I said "What happens if I meet you and it doesn't work out but it might have worked out with one of them? I'm not putting all my eggs in just one stranger's basket. That's not happening." He quickly got off the phone because he realized he wasn't going to win that one and said he would call me when he got off work. **GIANT RED FLAGS-DEFCON 3** So I step away from my phone for awhile to do other shit like make dinner and update my blog so you nice people have something to read. I come back and he has blown it up in preparation for said call. ***RED FLAGS!!! BIG RED FLAGS!!! Ladies and Gentleman we are now at DEFCON 2.*** I told him I was working out and to hold off on calling for a bit. He proceeds to blow my phone up even more. Then come the "Where did you go? What did I do? Why don't you want to talk to me?" messages. He starts calling me Miss Vanish. ***MASSIVE RED FLAGS OVERLOAD!!!! WE HAVE REACHED DEFCON 1. Please retreat to your fallout shelters as nuclear war is imminent.*** Then today he texted me again telling me to un-vanish because he didn't want to talk to anyone else. An hour later he sends me a message through the website asking for insight and saying "WHY WON'T YOU TALK TO ME?" ***NUCLEAR FALLOUT!!! And it is now time to resort to official stalker deterrent protocol as previously instructed by the nice officer from the FCPD the last time I was being harassed telephonically by a desperate psycho who just didn't understand that I didn't want to talk to him.***

So I finally responded to the guy with this...

"Because you got weird the second I gave you my phone number and practically wanted some kind of commitment out of me within 10 minutes of our first and only conversation we've ever had when I don't even know you. I tell you I'm working out and you text me like 5 times in the space of 3 minutes when the normal response is typically "Ok. Hit me up when you're done.".. and then it is common practice to actually wait until I respond back instead of interrupting my workout. You are being way too eager, needy, and clingy with me and that has scared me off. I'm done. My best advice is that you chill out on the next one because any girl who responds to the kind of behavior you've exhibited towards me is probably a codependent psycho.. which would explain the girls you told me about. So there is your honesty since you couldn't just take my subtle hint. Please do not contact me further or I will be forced to block you. Thank you and best of luck."

His response was "Rofl"... Somehow I don't think spelling it out for him worked either and he will probably try again shortly... at which point I will be forced to go ahead and block him on the site and via the Sprint site for my phone which they have made so convenient.

I'm at a loss. I don't really feel like dealing with skeezy players who are just looking for a hookup and I DEFINITELY don't feel like dealing with anymore dudes like Mr. Desperate Soon-to-be-Blocked Psycho Stalker. I truly believe the normal guys have probably all gotten tired of this site too and gone back to the old way. But the old way sucks too. Where do you go? I don't want to meet the love of my life in a fucking bar. I go to church and it's all couples. I don't even think they have church singles mixers anymore. My friend Jeannie suggested one of those singles fun and activity adventure groups which sounds like fun but I can't find one near me where the members don't look super tragic. My mom suggested eHarmony which I actually haven't tried but I hear they hoodwink you on the matches. She said she would pay for whatever. She wants me to be happy and she also wants some grandkids so she's starting to get her serious Yenta on.. which I appreciate and am actually OK with.

Saturday when I was out with my mom we went to Michael's down the street from my house so she could load up on arts and crafts stuff. I had to go to the ladies' room. When I came out there was this hot guy standing in the line for Framing. His jaw dropped a little and he stared at me like I was some supreme vision of loveliness moving past him in slow motion. I looked back at him with a look on my face like "DAAAAAYYYYYYUUUUUMMMMM!!!!" I didn't know what to do though so I just kept walking. Maybe I should've smiled at him or something instead of trying to be subtle and play it cool. I think sometimes I play it too cool to my own detriment. I found my mom and I told her all about it. Then I saw him again when he was in the checkout line next to me and my mom. I was like, "That's him." I should've just walked up to him instead of being a chickenshit. It's been 4 days and for some reason I'm still stuck on it. He could've been my soulmate or at least a nice guy with some potential for a healthy, stable, long-term relationship. But then again if he's going to hardcore check me out the way he did, he should've chased me down and said something. My mom wouldn't have cared. She'd have probably helped his cause. We could've fell in love at first sight, gotten married, and had like a gazillion babies. I could see myself still wanting a piece of that and mauling him when I'm 80. THAT's how hot this guy was. I'm tellin ya. It could happen. They make movies about this shit.
Later that day I looked at Match.com, which I was on previously and didn't like. They want to charge you $120 for 6 months at like $20.99 per month. That is a lot of money. My mom is trying to offer it up but I told her to save it. I said to her, "You know what's free and probably way more effective? Growing a pair and walking up to the super cute guy who is staring at me at fucking Michael's and being like 'Hi I'm Niki'!" The moral of the story today ladies and gentleman is that we ALL need to grow a pair. It's time to stop hiding behind our technology and liquor and start approaching people like they did in the olden days before they had all this shit. Ya know what the only singles age group having any luck at finding love is? The fucking Baby Boomer divorcees and widowed people! They have balls and they go out and have a ball. They were dating long before we all had computers and cell phones and the internet so they did all this shit the old-fashioned way and it worked for them. It would work for us too if only we tried it. So the next time you see somebody cute checking you out who you also think is cute, walk up to them and talk to them. The worse that could happen is they'll say thanks but no thanks. The best thing that could happen is you end up meeting that special someone in a grocery store or Walmart or at fucking Michael's.


P.S. If by some random miraculous coincidence you are out there reading this post hot guy who was in the Framing line at Michael's in Fair Lakes this past Saturday afternoon which would've been 4/27/2013, then you should hit me up at AskMissSlik@gmail.com and introduce yourself so we can go for coffee or something.

Happy Tuesday Everybody! Listen to this song!!!

Well, the good news is you survived Monday. The bad news is you still have several days to go before we get to the weekend. If you live in the DMV then you know it's still nasty out.. BUT we are apparently supposed to see the sun again some time this afternoon... Let's hope the sheisty con-men we call weather people aren't lying again like they did yesterday.

Here is another song to brighten up your day as we hope for the sun to come out. The ATB Techno Remix of Bob Marley's "Sun Is Shining"... Now who remembers this song from back in the day?!? Raise your hand if you do. Don't be shy. While we're on the subject who the F remembers ATB?!?! Real quick, I gotta say I forgot how good of a producer he really is. Listening to his tracks now that I produce my own I'm truly appreciating the quality more than I ever did before. The guitar riff in this song is awesome and actually not easy to play with all the string bends. It reminded me today of why I've been taking a break from producing music on my computer and learning how to play the guitar. If I was going to make riffs I wanted them to sound believable, which is really hard if you don't know how to play a stringed instrument.. or any instrument at all for that matter. But yeah, ATB is the man today so Big Up's and Props to him where ever he may be in the world. Also. R.I.P. to the one and only Bob Marley because he the man every day for having blessed us with these songs we continue to love so much and listen to like it's our jobs.

Whether it's the original or the remix, this song never fails to put a smile on my face. It reminds me of being like 16-17 years old back when I was a little kandy kid raver who didn't really have a care in the world dancing at The Edge in Southeast DC til dawn. This was one of the last songs they would always play to close out the night. Every time I hear it somehow it just makes me feel carefree and happy so I'm sharing it with you in the hopes it will help you feel the same way.

Say it with me people, "I'm a rainbow too."

Miss Slik's Famous Recipe for Anti-Cellulite Coffee and Brown Sugar Scrub

OK, soooo last week when I was home sick with bronchitis I got super bored and started Googling home remedies for cellulite. This is a problem every single woman has no matter what age and size they are. Even super skinny size 0-2 bitches have cellulite... I know, I've seen it. I swear to you this is a fact. I found this particular remedy recurring on a few sites so I figure it must have some merit to it. I figured why not try it out and see if it works. Here is the recipe with my own tweaks:

Miss Slik's Anti-Cellulite Coffee and Brown Sugar Scrub Recipe

1/2 Cup Coffee (it doesn't matter what kind as long as it's not decaffeinated because the caffeine is what helps break down the cellulite)
1/3 Cup Brown Sugar
2-4 TbspWater
1 Tbsp Olive Oil (you can also use Coconut Oil)
2 tsp Raw Honey (this shit works for everything like a freaking miracle)

Put all of the ingredients into a container with a lid so you can keep it in the shower to use every day. The water is a guesstimate. Start with 2 Tbsp and add more if it still looks dry. You can also adjust the olive oil and honey to your liking. You're trying to make it like a paste or the same consistency of other scrubs you use. The nice thing is you can keep adding to it every morning after you make your coffee so you'll never run out.

NOW for the fun part... You want to get a bristley brush like a pedicure brush for this. Take some more olive oil or coconut oil and rub it into the area with the cellulite in a circular motion. Then brush your skin in an inward-upward circular motion-the key is to brush up towards your heart and the lymphatic system. After that you take the scrub and rub it on in a circular motion. Leave it on for a few minutes. You can also wrap yourself up in plastic wrap and let it seep in. Just do it in the shower or you're going to have coffee grounds EVERYWHERE. After it's done seeping in rinse it off. 

I've been doing it for the past several days. I noticed a slight difference in the appearance after the first time but as I continue to do it I can see it's breaking down a bit. But here was the best thing.. I have eczema on my legs that has been a bitch to get rid of and I'll be damned if it isn't gone after just one use of this scrub. My legs have NEVER been so smooth EVER. I can't use exfoliating body wash or any pumice anything on my body or I will break out in hives and bumps from allergies. But this stuff is all natural so it doesn't irritate my sensitive skin. On that strength alone this shit is fucking miraculous. 

Here are all the ingredients I use for it along with the brush, container, and also my little travel size bottle filled with olive oil that I keep in my shower.

That is what it should look like. It looks gross but I'm telling you it's good stuff. It actually smells pretty tasty though believe it or not. Theoretically it is edible but I wouldn't recommend eating it.

So there it is. Let me know if it works for you or how you tweak it to work better because I'd love to hear what you think.

Saturday Day of Fun With My Mommy

So let me get into my weekend for a minute... My mom came down from Maryland on Saturday and we had a mother-daughter day of Awesomeness. I took her to get her hair did by our fave hairstylist Dina at LeShoppe in Reston Town Center.

Here is my mom with Dina after she did her hair. I still liked it better when Dina fro-ed it out like Diana Ross but this is excellent too. Best of all my mom is happy and Dina gave her exactly what she wanted, which is basically the job of a great hairstylist.. to do your hair exactly how you want it to look or as close to that as they can possibly get if what you want isn't realistically do-able.

Dina also trimmed up my bangs and made them look better than the lady who cut them before did. Guess how much it cost me for this bang trim? NOTHING.  I think regularly they are like $5-$10 but DO NOT quote me on that. But see, this is what I'm talking about with my blog. I'm a woman of my word on this getting of free stuff in exchange for shameless promotions. It's pretty easy though because I already have liked Dina for years and we are Facebook friends. She's a very nice person and talented hair stylist. I should know. She used to cut my hair before I started letting a girl I was friends with but am now no longer friends with start cutting it because I couldn't afford to go to Dina anymore... which was a sad day.

Here is what it used to look like when Dina cut it back around Summer of 2010.

See, she does a great job. Dina works very well with fine, wavy hair like mine and my mom's. We're of Lebanese and UK/German mutt descent so our hair is basically a cross between Arab wavy hair and white people fine hair so it doesn't tolerate a lot of styling techniques or hold unless you put certain kinds of product in it. My poor younger brother got the serious Arab hair though.. along with the good skin and good eyelashes. His hair is very thick and wavy. He can't use hair products for white people hair because they don't work. It took him years to discover that the only stuff that works are African-American hair products that some of his friends turned him onto when he went with them while they got their hair corn-rowed. But I digress....

If you would like to schedule an appointment with Dina here is the info:

LeShoppe at Reston Town Center

11934 Democracy Drive
Resto, VA  20190
703 435-5555

NOW....

The other thing I wanted to talk about is shoes. I went with my mom to Payless afterward because she wanted a new pair of the black flats she wore out... which she didn't end up replacing thanks to me because I talked her out of them. Instead I told her she should get a pair of neutral pumps that match her skin tone. I'm a big fan of the Today Show on NBC and watch it every morning while I'm getting ready for work. I noticed all the ladies on the show wearing neutral pumps that match their skin tones. Savannah Guthrie and Natalie Morales are fairer skinned so they wear nude colored heels. Tamarin Hall is light-skinned African-American so she wears light brown heels that match her skin tone. So depending on your skin tone you want to find something in the range of beige to brown that matches. They are a great staple for your work wardrobe because they look very nice and professional. They also match EVERYTHING and make your legs look longer. My mom is super happy. These heels pictured below are the ones I found at Payless for the bargain price of $20. For those of you out there who are too bougie for Payless, get over it. Payless makes the best heels for work. They all have cushioned comfort insoles so you can wear them for 10 hours without your feet hurting like a bitch. Plus if you scuff them up a lot, which is bound to happen if you're wearing them all the time for 10 hours at a time, they are cheap enough to easily replace. They will last for awhile though... definitely longer than some more expensive shoes I've bought at other places when I thought I was too bougie for Payless. More expensive shoes are not as easy on your feet and you will cry if you ruin them... Hence why I started buying my work shoes at Payless and saving my fancy, expensive shoes for going out. No lie though, I've found some super cute shoes there that I bought and wear out. Girls are like, "OH! You're shoes are SOOOOO cute!!! Where did you get them?!?" and I'm like "I bought them at Payless for mad cheap." Their jaws subsequently fall to the floor in shock and awe. True story.

Anyway, these came from the Payless at Fair Lakes Shopping Center where the Walmart and Target are right next to the giant DSW. I highly suggest you make a trip there particularly during their BOGO's and load up like it's your job.

Listen to this song "Gangsta" by Kat Dahlia!!!

OK, we've got A LOT to get into today but first... I heard this song on the radio on my way home from work this evening and it is way super crucial. The song is "Gangsta" by Kat Dahlia and it reminds me of my own struggle as a female musician, particularly the part about paying for your own recording sessions. I'm seriously feelin it and the hook immediately gets stuck in your head. Kat is a Cubana out of Miami, Florida which is close to my heart since I'm originally from Florida as well. This chick has got something I think... very heartfelt and soulful stuff. So check her out and BIG UP's to Kat Dahlia where ever she may be in the world right now.

Happy Monday My People!!!

Here is a song to brighten up your day, which if you live in the DMV you know is pretty gloomy and nasty today. For those who don't know, not only am I Queen of Fairfax, but I am also Queen of dee Dancehall! Buju Banton is the man and this collaboration with Lady Saw is called "I Need Some Action"... Bumbaclot! Let's get it poppin!

WTF is Miss Slik's Guide to Gracefully Faking It Through Life ALL About Exactly?!?!

Now that the initial shock has worn off, I know you're DYING to find out.. Well then, let’s get down to some housekeeping for a sec. I’m all about bringing order to chaos… especially when that chaos is my own. So what am I going to do with this blog? The answer really is whatever the fuck I want. Before we go any further, be forewarned that I curse A LOT. Don’t lie, you know you do too. But if you have a problem with it then this probably isn’t the site for you. Just sayin. Moving on…

So this is a guide to life right? I’m a 29 year old single woman. If you are a single person in your late 20’s-early 30’s then you know exactly what that is like. All my friends are either married, married with kids, engaged, engaged with kids, or in serious relationships that are heading in that direction… OH WAIT! can't forget my bitter divorcee friends. But me, I'm all alone. It is Me, Myself, and I, Party of ONE. I’m the one at the singles table prowling the streets of the DC suburbs in search of my prince. I live in Fair Lakes which is a ridiculously expensive area so I’m ballin on a hardcore budget. How do I look so fabulous? By being one super thrifty MoFo! I will give you all my tips and tricks. I will also tell you how my ass both got to be and also how it has stayed a size 4 for the past 2 years because it wasn’t for a long time. Soooo most of my topics will center around things like dating, fashion and trends on a budget, fitness and diet tips, reviews of movies I’ve seen (not necessarily new ones since I’m not that cool), reviews on places I go to, reviews on products I try, stories of my random adventures, and various DIY projects because I get inspired to make things a lot.

Next, we’ll talk about dating. It sucks. I’ve been doing it since I was 15 and am convinced the only good things that can come from it are free food and drinks. It’s hard out there for a pimp and the reality is it is just getting harder the older I get. I’m on a dating website at the moment because the traditional way wasn’t really working out for me so I had to resort to finding dates on the internet. But whether it’s in a bar or online, I’m just not finding what I’m looking for. Somehow though, I remain eternally optimistic that I am not doomed to die alone. There has got to be somebody great out there. I’m just so tired of looking because this shit is freaking exhausting. It would be awesome if Mr. Right were to fall through my ceiling right now. God are you listening? Do you hear me? If you do then please send me a sign in 5-4-3-2-1-NOW…. And........ Nothing… If only it really were that simple. People I know you’re feelin me on this. Can I get a witness?

If I can be honest for a minute I will tell you my main motivation for starting this blog aside from having a little place all my own to dominate and air my every thought out, I WANT LOTS OF FREE SHIT!!! Yeah, I ain’t too proud to sell out so if you want to send me things to try out or send me to places or do things for me in exchange for some shameless promotions from me then please go right ahead and do that. When I say things and stuff the list includes, but is not limited too, beauty products, clothing, shoes, accessories, haircuts, manicures, pedicures, cool things for my apartment, tickets to events, recipes, food stuff, etc. If I like whatever it is then I will rep it like it’s my job because I truly believe in my heart that if something is good then EVERYBODY should know about it and use it. 

***For my readers-If you like my blog then please go to the very bottom of a post and look for the hyperlinks that say “SUBSCRIBE” and click on them. If you really like my blog then you should also hit those little hyperlinks that let you share it on various social media websites like Facebook, Twitter, Google+, etc. This is pretty crucial according to the research I did when I started this blog because it is the only way I will get free stuff to talk about and more importantly, how TIME Magazine will pluck my little blog from obscurity and rank it amongst the others and then declare it officially as the BEST BLOG EVER!

Finally, I encourage you to comment on the stuff I write so please feel free to find the little "Comments" sections at the bottom of each entry and have at it. I want to know what you think, how you feel, hear stories of your own experiences, and even call me out if you believe I'm full of shit or disagree with me IN A NICE WAY. I ask that you please be respectful to me and my readers when commenting because nobody likes a douchebag. Thank you in advance. Also, if you feel like hollering at me directly I've created a special email just for ya'll. It is AskMissSlik@gmail.com.

OK, now that our proverbial house is clean we can proceed from the general to the specific… Stay tuned because there is LOTS more to come! I’ve got some way cool things to talk about!

Super Slik Strawberry Banana Smoothie Recipe

Soooo... I'm all about health and fitness and lowering my blood pressure because it's been getting craaaaazzzzyyyy high now that I'm getting older. Lately I have gotten into making smoothies and they seem to be helping. Friends and dudes I date have been saying stuff like "OH! I've been wanting to get into smoothies. I hear they're really good for you. What do you put in yours?" Well here is my secret. I've been using a variety of different fruits so here is the recipe for today's smoothie...

Super Slik Strawberry Banana Smoothie

• 1 Banana sliced (full of potassium=good for the heart)
• 1/2 Cup Frozen or Fresh Strawberries sliced (really I just grab a fistful out of the bag.. also medium potassium and full of Vitamin C)
• 1/3 Cup Fat Free Vanilla Greek Yogurt - Dannon Oikos is the best tasting (it is soooo much better than regular yogurt and is higher in protein just in case you didn't know)
• 1 Tbsp Raw Honey (local if you can find it because it helps with allergies and it is now Allergy Season-little tip for all nerds like me)
• 1/2 Cup of Ice Cubes (like 5-6, you're not making a daiquiri.. just getting it to be nice and cold)
• 1/2 Cup Orange Juice (because I currently have bronchitis and it has Vitamin C and also lots of potassium)

***The amounts of each ingredient can really be adjusted to whatever you want depending on your own tastes. You can also substitute whatever fruit and juice you want too.

Throw it all in a blender as you go and blend it until all the stuff is blended. Personally, I prefer my Magic Bullet I got for Christmas a few years ago because it makes individual servings in these lovely plastic mugs. If you do use a Magic Bullet cup though just keep schmoooshing it down as you go so you can fit it all in (that's what she said). Stir it to make sure it's smooth. Then go in.

Now here comes the good part...

Nutrition Info

Total Calories: 299 (you'd think it would be less because it's mostly fruit)

Carbs: 72.33g (but they are good carbs and you need them so don't believe all that low/no carb hype BS)

Protein: 8.21g (yeah, you need that for your muscles)

Fat: 0.5g (that's the best part... it's sweet but it won't make your booty look like a waffle)

These are great for starting your morning off, as a pre-workout carb load snack, or just to have as a treat for dessert in the evenings.. You could maybe even throw some vodka or rum in it if you're feeling kinda froggy on a Friday night. I hope you like it cause it's freakin YUMMY!!!

Damn right I put that mofo next to some flowers! Flowers make everything look prettier... especially since I didn't think to save some fruit to garnish it with. Who do you think I am? Martha Stewart?

I STARTED A MUTHAF-ING BLOG!!!!!!

It has been suggested to me by several of my friends on Facebook that I should take my random stories of the day and little anecdotes and start a blog. This was probably suggested because they were tired of my page long posts dominating their News Feeds. However, I'd like to believe it was suggested to me because they find my stories funny, witty, irreverent, and interesting. So here it is. Welcome to my new blog! Make yourself at home. You might want to grab a snack, maybe pour yourself some wine (you'll soon find I'm very big on the wine thanks to KLG & Hoda), and settle in. I've taken the liberty of including below some of my compiled Facebook Random Stories of the Day and a few little stories from the past 6 months to kind of help get you familiarized with me and give you an idea of where I'm planning to go with this... "This" meaning my life which I still have no clue about and every day is like a work in progress. I will be posting new things often along with some pictures and whatnot. Feel free to comment and make suggestions. DO NOT feel free to be douchey when leaving comments (we'll call that Ground Rule #1). Anyway, I hope ya'll like it!

3/23/2013 – Random Story of the Day and Day #5 of being Smoke-Free... As part of my plan to replace smoking with exercise I'm going down to the fitness center at my complex for maybe the 3rd time ever. It is entirely possible I've just spent more time preparing to go to the fitness center than I actually intend to spend in the fitness center. I don't know what to wear to look like I fit in because last time some super skinny girl in spandex made me feel frumpy. I wish I had a leotard and leggings like Olivia Newton John or maybe a black leotard and some leg warmers like whatsherface in Flashdance... but unfortunately, I do not so I opted for a tank top and some clamdigger sweat pants. At least I do have a nice sweatband though. Either way, I have some mad cheesy 80's songs on my workout playlist and this is happening.

3/15/2013 – Random Story of the Day: This shot allergy situation has really screwed me up. I was out of stuff and had intended to go grocery shopping after I got off work Tuesday night... which didn't end up happening because I started feeling crappy that evening after I got the pneumonia vaccine. So I went after work today with the intention of only getting a few things I needed before going home to OD on Benadryl. A few things turned into a full cart.. which then turned into a full trunk... I thought as I walked out of Walmart to my car that, while I made necessary purchases and had only deviated slightly from my list I made Tuesday, I was perhaps a bit short sighted and this plan had not been thought out well enough. So I stood outside Walmart for awhile staring at my trunk and scratching my head wondering how the hell I was going to get all the groceries I bought out of it and carry it from the parking lot, to the courtyard, and up 3 flights of stairs to my apartment with only one good arm and my strong hand... I also had to factor in my suitcase I call a purse, my laptop, and of course, my extra large Slurpee. It took me 3 trips carrying heavy bags with my good left arm and light bags in my right hand with a brief pause for an asthma attack after the second trip.. But I did it. That ladies and gentlemen is a tribute to just how much will power and sheer determination I'm filled with.. and also how my ass stays a size 4. The moral of the story is: Don't ever get a pneumonia vaccine... and if you do, don't go balls out at Walmart while you still have a gimpy arm. No good can come of it.

3/8/2013 – Random Story of the Day: Watching this Bible miniseries on the History Channel, it occurs to me, wtf happened since Biblical times? We don't do all the same things in the name of God anymore so I guess that's why we don't get the same level of miracles. I don't know where to get my hands on an actual live lamb or a goat. Just wondering though if I sacrifice like a rack of lamb from Safeway would that be enough for God to let me turn water into wine or maybe part like a pond or a large puddle or something? I mean, racks of lamb aren't cheap but that wine trick could be pretty useful and I just paid my water bill. 

2/19/2013 – Random Story of the Day: Remember how when you were a kid every time Mother's Day or Father's Day rolled around you asked your parents "When is Kid's Day?" They would laugh and say something like "Every day is Kid's Day." At least that's the answer I always got. The whole reason these holidays for parents exist is to show them appreciation for all they do for us. But when we were kids our parents planted seeds in our heads that one day it would be our turn and we'd be taking care of them. If I knew the full extent of what I was agreeing to as a child I'd have advocated for that Kid's Day way harder or said "Well, when you're old then every day will be Parents' Day so it all evens out." Now it seems those tables have turned and I'm having to bug my parents about going to doctors, help them with things around the house, drive them places, run errands for them, get them to eat healthier, take vitamins, etc... basically all the things to help take care of them because they aren't as able to do it themselves either physically or have become laxed with regard to these things. The only difference is when we were kids if we didn't do the things our parents wanted us to do for our health and well-being then they could make us do it. We don't have the same ability to punish our parents for not listening to us and doing as we say even though it's for their own good. I spent months convincing my mom to go to the doctor for a checkup and when she finally went they found things that if she'd let go any longer could and would have been much more serious. Today I spent all afternoon and evening of my holiday off work straightening my parents' house, helping my dad organize and make dinner, taking down a Christmas tree, explaining to my dad why it isn't normal to keep a giant bag filled with empty coffee canisters, meanwhile convincing him to get to the doctor because I'm concerned he's been showing early signs of dementia as well as other physical issues, subjecting myself to his stubbornness and mood swings all while being mauled by a small, extremely hyper cocker spaniel. Why would I do this? Because I love my parents and it seems I have now entered the phase of life where it's my turn to begin to take care of them. As I drove home it occurred to me that there really should be a Kid's Day or some kind of Parental Caregiver's Day to celebrate everyone out there who looks out for their parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, former guardians, adopted older parental figures, etc. The reward of parenting is watching your child grow up and blossom.. Parental Caregivers don't get that. The rewards for them are very different. They come in small victories of getting your parent to a doctor and sighs of relief that they caught something early enough to be treated... and also from helping your dad to calm down long enough from being frazzled to make the best green bean bake EVER. The moral of the story is: I'm starting a letter writing campaign to Hallmark to get Kid's Day declared an official holiday because I think everyone who does this deserves an annual day of appreciation and celebration. It is a potential gold mine for all companies who perpetuate holidays of this nature and I for one would like a card and maybe some flowers and also a coffee mug that says World's Best Daughter because that would be awesome.

2/18/2013 - Random Story of the Day: So yesterday was like Baby's 1st Anti-Aging Cream Buying experience. It annoys me when older ladies tell me I'm too young for all that. Damn right I look young for my age. It's good genes and I get it from my mama. But tell that to the deep-set worry line in my forehead I've had for the past 4 years and the little smile lines I'm starting to get around my eyes and mouth. I'm trying to stay looking good for the rest of my life. It's all about maintenance, preventative measures, and preservation. I'm almost 30 which means it's time for a night cream. Night creams are different from day moisturizers because they are thicker and more intensive. So I did some research and found out that I don't need to go balls out on some expensive cream I can't really afford. L'Oréal Paris, Garnier, Olay, and Neutrogena have really stepped up their anti-aging game and have excellent products ranging from $11-$25. The Walmart in Fair Lakes has an entire anti-aging aisle in which I stood for about an hour yesterday googling and reading boxes trying to figure out which cream I wanted to try out. I ended up going with L'Oréal Paris Revitalift Anti-Wrinkle + Firming Night Cream for $12 to help my little lines and prevent new ones and Garnier Skin Renew Dark Spot Corrector for $15 because I have some red spots on my cheeks from acne scarring. Well it's too soon to tell on the night cream... But, I'll be damned if in just one use my acne spots are not lighter today thanks to the Garnier Spot Corrector. This stuff just might be a miracle in a tube. I LOVE products that do exactly what they're supposed to do faster and better than I anticipate them to work. If you have acne marks on your face then I'm highly recommending that you pick some of this corrector and try it for yourself. This post may seem kind of ridiculous but anti-aging is like a brand new world and unfamiliar territory filled with magic miracle tonics being pedalled by sheisty individuals claiming to have the fountain of youth in a jar. I'm not trying to get robbed for my vanity while attempting to keep my face in good shape since I'm stuck with it for another 50-70 years. Immediately finding something that works on my first attempt is like a massive victory. The moral of the story is, like it or not, anybody who's in their late 20's and older then you're in the same 'grown and sexy and intent on staying that way' boat that I'm in. Grab an oar and start paddling and welcome to that aisle of Walmart because that is where you live now.

12/29/2012 – Random Story of the Day: My plan for this week was to de-clutter my apartment and get organized. I'm working on cleaning out the loft today and just found a bunch of what can only be termed as memorabilia. It would seem my packrat behavior has finally paid off in some regard because I guess part of me anticipated my memory eventually going to shit. In one of the boxes Andie packed up like 4 years ago when I moved out of my old apartment I found proof that I've actually met at least half the people I'm friends with on Facebook. I found all kinds of business cards, old demo CD's, stickers, flyers, etc. from the past 10+ years. It's like my own personal archive of how your lives intertwined with mine. The fact that I never threw it out in some way shows just how much I inadvertently care... or that maybe I even believed some day you would be famous and I could say I knew you when you first got your start. So I guess the moral of the story is: Y'all need to get famous so I can sell this shit on eBay.

12/8/2012 – Random Story of the Day: So I was watching King Ralph and felt the need to google something the movie brought up that I didn't know. I got into reading stuff about the War of the Roses and learned about heraldry badges. That prompted me to look up my own family's heraldry. Little known fact you wouldn't know unless you're related to me or I've told you, our last name shouldn't have an E on the end. When my great grandfather was in the Army he signed his name with a flourish on the end which the Army mistook as an E and at the time that equated to a legal name change. All family genealogy stuff would have to be searched as Milbourn prior to the early 1900's unless you're looking up lines perpetuated by my great grandfather's siblings. Anyway, I've always known that Milbourn means the stones in the brook by the mill and refers to Scottish land divides. Well, my family comes from Northumberland which is apparently somewhere along the actual border of England and Scotland. They also held a seat in the Scottish House of Lords back around when they came out with the Doomsday Book... that's the nice part of the story. Guess somebody pissed them off a couple centuries later when they put up some wall (like Game of Thrones but this really happened) because they stopped having any allegiance and went wild. From what I read tonight, I guess that border was the land divide... and on this border lived a rack of noble clans called "border reivers". "Reivers" means to rob or plunder. The Milbourns were among these clans. They lived in a place ravaged by war where they couldn't farm because the land sucked for growing things but was excellent for grazing so they came down from their castles and robbed people of their livestock, kidnapped people for ransom, and were ruthless mercenaries. They killed anyone who trespassed regardless of nationality, so Scottish passing through trying to invade England and English invading Scotland. The monarchies on both sides encouraged them. The Milbourn clan was part of East March more to the English side which I guess explains why we have an English family crest. During the time of the War of Roses the border reivers had their heyday. They were constantly recruited to fight for either side if paid but were uncontrollable. They would kill anyone except their kin. The problem is only they knew who they were related to so the people hiring them stood a good chance of getting screwed out of their money.. and here's my favorite part.. They could claim either nationality and described themselves as "Scottish if forced, English at will, and Reivers by the grace of blood." The modern English word for reiver is ruffian. So basically, the moral of the story is I descended from merciless killers and ruffians... But not just any merciless killers and ruffians... NOBLE merciless killers and ruffians. Now there is a paradox. And I wouldn't have learned any of this had it not been for watching King Ralph for the millionth time.

11/9/2012 – Random Story of the Day: Since I'm the real life Leslie Knope I got inspired today and actually looked into running for public office. Unfortunately, it appears I may be ineligible to run for Mayor of Fairfax because I reside just outside of the technical city limits... which sucks because I'd make an excellent Mayor. We need more parades and advertising for our museums and historical sites to draw tourists from DC and I could totally make that happen. Not only would it be fun, it would generate an increase in revenue for the museums and local business owners. Seriously, who the F doesn't like parades?!? Anyway, if I can't be Mayor, I can run for the Virginia House of Delegates. I'm tired of little rocks from construction cracking my windshield of my car and personal property taxes are ridiculously high. Not everyone in Fairfax makes a million dollars a year and can afford to pay to replace their windshield annually and then pay these skyrocketing taxes on their cars after having to constantly pay to repair said windshield. Something needs to be done about this. So, to become a candidate all I have to do is collect 100 signatures and pay a filing fee. This is actually my best road to the U.S. House of Representatives and achieving my dream of having the floor yielded to the Distinguished Lady from the Commonwealth of Virginia so I can filibuster the hell out of those people.. and I will.. for days... and you know this... Then maybe they'll get so frustrated they might actually accomplish something for once just to shut me up... So, I guess my first question is are you a registered voter currently residing in the 35th House District? My second question is will you sign my petition? My third question is would you like to contribute to my campaign (seriously, t-shirts, buttons, stickers, yard signs, and those flyers in your junk mail cost money)? And my fourth and most important question is will you Vote For Niki?

11/2/2012 – Random Story of the Day: As you know, I went to the doctor for an ear infection a few weeks ago. While the nurse was taking my blood pressure she asked me if I'd put anything in my ears. I said I only used Q-tips... Well, apparently cleaning your ears with cotton swabs is bad and you should never use them for that... Let me say this again... You should never use something specifically invented to use to clean the wax out of your ears for cleaning the wax out of your ears. They push the wax back and you can end up with wax build up. You're supposed to use hydrogen peroxide. I didn't have any hydrogen peroxide... until today. You can pick up a gigantic bottle of it at Target for $0.87, which is significantly less than a box of cotton swabs. I didn't know anything that big was that cheap. Well, I just cleaned my ears and dumped a cap full in each ear.. only maybe 1/3 of that actually got into each ear. The rest got on my shirt. It's weird and just doesn't feel right. This stuff bubbles in your ears the same way it bubbles on cuts, but when it's in your ears you can hear it. It sounds like a bowl of rice crispies once you add the milk. So now I'm covered in hydrogen peroxide and my ears are snap, crackle, popping like nobody's business. Hopefully they're at least clean now... Try it the next time you're bored.

10/17/2012 – Random Story of the Day: I used to have a dog named Lily. She was a German Shepherd/Pit Bull mix with batfox ears that pointed up so she always had ear problems. She got some bad ear infections and I would constantly have to put drops in her ears, which she hated, and put a cone around her head so she wouldn't mess with her ears, which she hated even more. She used to ram her cone covered head into things and I thought it was funny even though I was her mommy and I felt bad for laughing because I knew she was miserable. But, now I have to put drops in my ear because the doctor prescribed them for my ear infection. While these drops are freaking magical because people no longer sound like robots, they are making my ear itch inside like crazy and all I want to do is stick a giant Q-tip down in there so far it touches my brain and just wiggle it to get out the crap that is blocking it up. Since I can't do that and I keep touching my ear which I know is bad because it's not helping it, I'm thinking that I need one of those cones to put around my head so I'll leave my ear alone. Then I can ram my cone covered head into things in an attempt to both dislodge this blockage and/or also to amuse myself because this ear infection sucks ass. The moral of the story is, karma is a bitch, I miss my dog, and don't be surprised if I end up on You Tube with a cone around my head ramming into things.

10/13/2012 – Random Story of the Day: I was about to go to bed and realized I forgot to take the trash bag I set outside my door earlier down to the dumpster. I didn't want to get fined by my leasing office if they found it tomorrow morning so I put on my coat and furry boots and grabbed my flashlight. I started down the first flight of stairs, got to the landing, and heard a noise above me... I looked up and all I saw was little claws and I just froze. I stood there having a panic attack shining my flashlight at the stairs to see where this thing was hiding, which was maybe 5-6 feet from my front door. It moved and poked its bushy tail out between the stairs. I started having flashbacks to the raccoon attack and seeing black spots and hyperventilating. Well, obviously I wasn't about to walk underneath this thing... So what do I do? Ok... I took off running as fast as I could down the other side of the stairs, around the pool, up the stairs to the dumpster, shining my flashlight frantically in every direction the whole way... stopped... had an asthma attack, put my trash in the dumpster, took my phone out of pocket in case I needed to call 9-1-1, braced myself and realized I was still outside and right in the middle of raccoon central and I needed to get the fuck out of there... then took off running back down the stairs, around the pool, back up the other side of the stairs.. then I stopped.. Would you believe that fucker's stupid tail was still poking out through the steps? I started running up the rest of the stairs praying.... "Dear God, please don't let this thing attack me or follow me in when I get to my front door. I don't want to have to get another rabies series." God was on my side tonight for a change. I made it safely back inside. But the moral of the story is, I am being held captive in my apartment by an unidentified woodland creature. Can someone please check outside my front door and make sure it is gone? If not, I may get my gun and shoot it and make a fascinator out of it.... which might be considered slightly "illegal".

10/10/2012 – Random Story of the Day: I haven't had Chick-fil-a in months because I've been supporting the boycott and I've been FIENDING for some good chicken. But I'm staying strong. So, I decided to make my own and did a combo of the Chick-fil-a recipe and a simple recipe from my Better Homes & Gardens cookbook. While I was at it, I figured I'd get fancy with it and took the drippings and made country gravy. Then I threw it all on some biscuits... kind of like Chick-fil-a meets Cracker Barrel... and lemmetellyasomething... I shit you not, it was the best thing I've ever eaten. Now on the one hand, I'm sitting here wondering why I'm still single because seriously, if a chick made me this taste-gasmic mouth orgy of awesomeness I'd put a ring on it. On the other hand, I'm glad I'm by myself because that means I don't have to share or worry about getting fat from the bazillion calorie meal I just went straight buck on. So yay for me

9/30/2012 – Random Story of the Day #2: Google is the jam. In my 29 years of life, I've never once hard boiled an egg. I've eaten a ton of them, especially around Easter. I ♥ deviled eggs like no other (you're weird if you don't). I've cooked hundreds of dozens, maybe even thousands of dozens, of eggs in several other ways: scrambled, over easy, sunny side up, poached.. my omelettes are AMAZING... but never hard boiled.. until today. I found the most epic directions on WikiHow and it included pictures. This is a very involved, way more complicated process than I had ever imagined. But I'll be damned.. My eggs turned out AWESOME... not one hint of green, yolks perfectly yellow and centered, perfect texture, not even slightly rubbery. I'm super proud and feelin myself right now. I feel like I've just acquired a new skill and stepped my kitchen game up in a massive way. Move over MasterChef. It is so on.

9/30/2012 – Random Story of the Day #1: I met Bizmarkie once YEARS ago at a nightclub called Mirrors in DC. I was walking across the floor, when suddenly some dude bumped into me and almost spilled my drink. I turned around to give him a dirty look.. I looked up.. and it's MuthaF-ing BIZMARKIE. He said to me "Excuse me darlin. Sorry." I stood there paralyzed in absolute shock as he looked at me while my jaw was on the floor and all I could say back, very quietly, as he started to walk away was "Nobody beats The Biz. NOBODY beats The Biz." True story.