Who the F Dares to Troll Miss Slik?

So as promised, I have investigated the situation from Monday's blog post Who the Fuck is this Bottom-Feeding Losery Stalker Groupie Douche?!?. I tagged the 2 people who were mutual friends in my Facebook update and look what happened!

Wow right? OK...

Here is a list of our suspects:

1. My ex-best friend and/or someone who knows her. A couple of people have suggested she may be the one responsible but I don't think it's her. She'd come at me way harder than this. Anybody who really knows me would know how to push my buttons in a major way. They also know I'd just laugh at being called a cock-slurping whore... which is exactly what I did.

2. Andy Welch

He has not responded to me which could mean it's him but I doubt it. This kid just doesn't strike me as the uber dramatic type. Maybe I'm wrong though.

3. Neil Akkor

Scrutinize momentarily and hold those thoughts I can tell you all are thinking right now because we will come back to him in a second.

4. Jake Komara aka Head of Rothchild

Neil accused Jake of being the one. I know for a fact it wasn't Jake and HOR. I made a call and got that shit confirmed. Had it been though I'd have probably taken shit down and let it get handled. We share a mutual friend who would go and has gone to bat for me. Out of respect for him I wouldn't add fuel to the fire. It's not good for business.

Besides, look at this picture and tell me that little piece of scrumptious hotness doesn't make you think some naughty thoughts. If he'd called me a cock-slurping whore it would be like foreplay. Pretty sure he'd mean it in a loving, encouraging way though. For real, he's grilling a CDJ. I loathe CDJ's with a fiery, burning passion. This picture makes me moist in my panties area and I think I need a towel to wipe my leg. More on that later.

So who is our culprit? Well I'm pretty sure it's Neil Akkor. Dude is a meth addict with way too much time on his hands and it's mad convenient that he jumped to pinning it on Jake with such a quickness. Meth addicts are super calculating and manipulative. They come up with some crazy plans. Pretty sure he didn't count on it backfiring though.

Not only did Neil comment on my status update, he also hit me up immediately in a private message and went on and on and on and on....

Really, why would he? I think I'm awesome but in real life I'm really not that cool and I don't fit the usual type of people HOR has gone on.

Why Neil? Do you want to take me on a date?

No clue what the fuck Elektron Radio is nor do I really care unless I'm being booked for it. Not sure I'd feel too comfy in your mom's basement though without my gun. Sounds like I've been lo-jacked and targeted to be made into a Niki suit. It rubs the lotion on it's skin. It does this whenever it's told. 

Wow... That's extra.

Of course you do. That's why you've been stalking me... It's for my own protection right? Seriously, again, this is why I own a gun. I've also been taught self-defense by dudes in the USMC and Army so you can get fucked up like we're in the Octagon if you creep on me.

Pre baught? What the fuck does that mean? Did meth addicts come up with their own language? At this point I was making Leslie Chow jacking off dice rolling hand gestures. I don't want to meet up with this dude. No thumb drive of anything is that worth it to me. Besides, I have other avenues and means.

Because WOW.. What kind of credible information could you possibly provide me about anything?

Good Lord... OK kids, this piece of advice is for everyone.. DO NOT EVER DO DRUGS!!! Cause for real.. WOW!!!!

Yeah, here is my theory on who trolled me... I believe that Neil realized I write a blog that targets douchebags who fuck with me, creep me out, annoy me, or piss me off. What better way to exact revenge on someone you hate than to perpetrate and blame your nemesis for it? Like I said before though, I just don't think he counted on his plan backfiring. I'm not a sensitive person and like to laugh at things too. Neil made himself a target for me on his own. Plus now I like and respect Jake even more than I did before.

Here is why I think that.. It's just too neat and tied together. Like this fake profile's likes are only the people Neil claims are being fucked with by HOR.

Also, one of the few events this fake person went to is an event being put on by Elektron Radio.

Neil apparently has several fake Facebook accounts he's trolling people from including Jake and me so be on the lookout. It would appear Neil is our dude and Douchebag of the Day. I will also be receiving "The Akkor File" shortly which should be a fucking awesome read. Let's see if we can't pick up where HOR left off. 



Who the Fuck is this Bottom-Feeding Losery Stalker Groupie Douche?!?

So apparently I did not get the memo that today is National Act Like a Douchey Fucktard Toward Niki Slik Day.. I'm already dealing with some other bullshit and this wackass fucker decides to stalk my semi-abandoned DJ profile and post comments that, while I find amusing, are just extra.

The first one was this below.. which I'm not mad at. In fact, I take it as a compliment. I am fine as fuck and I know lots of dudes who'd love to get up in my ass because I have a nice ass. However, it is somewhat inappropriate to post on my DJ page. If you're really trying to get it, that is something you should privately message me about. Just sayin.

However, the second comment he made several minutes later was what made me be like What. The. Fuck? I deleted if off my page and then kicked myself for not screen-shotting it first. But thank God for email that even includes pics. Nothing you post on the internet is ever really gone.

Technically, he's not wrong... It's just that any time prior to today when a dude has called me something like that, it's typically been behind closed doors while I had a mouthful of their cock and was meant in a much more loving, encouraging way. I tend to call them thoroughly degrading names as well while they return the favor... also out of love and encouragement because dudes like that shit. It's all in good fun.

 For real though, can't I be both an iconic social figure and a dick-slurping whore? I consider myself both and I don't think that's a bad thing. A lot of men would find that awesome and it explains why I'm such a catch. What dude can't appreciate a multi-talented woman with a massive love of giant D? Any dude who has been on the receiving end of my fellatio seems to love that about me.

I'm pretty sure dick-slurping whore is actually listed among my many credentials. If not, I'll take that oversight under advisement. But obviously this talent and fondness is more of a recreational past time than one I've used for business purposes to advance my music career. I do kick myself for not being more of a dick-slurping whore in the rave/club scene though because I'd probably be a super famous world-touring DJ and producer by now if I had been... or at least a lot further along than I am.

Anyway, here is this dumb fucker's Facebook profile...

He's actually somewhat tragic looking with bad skin, kind of a jacked face, and an outdated emo haircut.

I'm just trying to figure out who this dude is and why he felt the need to internet stalk my DJ page to make comments. Clearly I must be an iconic social figure who has truly reached at least D-Level celebrity status to necessitate stalker groupie activity. 

 It's pretty obvious he has a small penis. I'm wondering if maybe I refused to slurp his dick based on the inadequacy of his endowment and laughed in his face while I was drunk because he asked me if it was big enough for me like he expected it was the biggest dick I've ever seen (like the Mayor of Titty City) or something thus offending him to the point he felt the need to stalk my page and embarrass me I guess. I'm actually trying to be better about that.

It seems further investigation is required so I will be tagging the 2 mutual friends I share with this random, small-dicked loser fan to see if they can perhaps shed some light on what this dude's major malfunction might be. Funny thing is, I'm not exactly sure how I know both of them either.

More Adventures in Dating the Douchebags of PoF: Meet The Mayor of Titty City

So like a month ago I went out on a date with this dude whom I would suggest avoiding or further subjecting to public scrutiny...

Pof Screen name: BlueOneD

Real Name: Derrick Hess aka The Mayor of Titty City

How do I know he's the Mayor of Titty City? Because he told me at dinner... He was at his cousin's bachelor party down in Tennessee the week before, got drunk, and was yelling out "I'm the Mayor of Titty City!!!" the whole night. Apparently this is something he is prone to doing every time he gets drunk... EXACTLY what a girl who just met you wants to hear when she's about to take you to a public place for drinking where people she's known for a long time will be.

For those of you who know me and are like "That sounds familiar" but have not yet made the connection, this is the dude I brought with me to Transit at Redzone several weeks ago.. the one who almost left me stranded at the end of the night.. Oh yeah, he also almost left me at the bar because he said he couldn't find me. I'd lost my phone and he didn't try very hard to find me.

A few things....

One, this is for the fellas.. If you're going to whip out your dick at the end of the night DO NOT EVER ASK A GIRL IF IT'S BIG ENOUGH FOR HER AND ASSUME YOU HAVE THE BIGGEST ONE SHE'S EVER SEEN. Unless you are the reincarnation of John Holmes then the answer is probably No. In this case, my special friend with whom I'd been having interesting and intelligent conversations a few days prior had him beat by A LOT. I had to grab a half-mouthful of cock to keep from laughing uncontrollably in his face.

It's funny because in the car on the way to Transit this dude was talking about how he only dates super hot girls with fake boobs. Well, I'm hot but I don't have fake boobs. My boobs are real and they are nice. I don't want fake boobs. But this fucker gave me a complex for like 3 days over whether or not I was super hot enough to date him. Apparently I'm hot enough to sort out as a booty call in advance though. The reality is that I'm really shallow and a supreme Size Queen and this dude did not meet my standards of aesthestic perfection nor size requirements regarding the size of his endowment.

At least I'm not a scandalous, cheating, materialistic bitch... like his previous/current girlfriend. He claimed he got out of a relationship back in April... Obviously the truthfulness of this statement is up for debate. He said they couldn't stand each other and it was a purely physical relationship. He also said that these super hot girls with fake boobs are generally out banging half of Arlington whenever they have a fight. 

I told him he didn't really have to worry about me ever going out and fucking half of Arlington.. not because I'm not prone to being kind of a hooker at times.. But more for these 2 reasons: 

1) I don't really fuck with Arlington much anyway. A lot of Arlingtonians (slow your roll if you live there because I didn't say all) are bougey douches who look down on us Fairfaxians like we're low rent just because we pay slightly less for more square footage. Don't hate just because we're smarter and don't feel the need to be so close to DC we could suck it's proverbial dick every night. 

2) Why would I ever bang half or all of a city to make you jealous when just banging one dude you're already jealous of to begin with will do just fine? Obviously that is some unnecessary hookeriness committed by dumb bitches who clearly don't understand the concept of proper revenge nor fear racks of rampant STD's.

Second, again for the fellas... Money is important but it's not everything. Flashing stacks of cash and/or talking about money the whole time we're on a date is a super low rent thing to do and also a massive turn-off. The only thing I care about is that I'm not paying for our initial dates because you are courting me. Beyond that, keep it to yourself for awhile.

This dude went on and on and on about his money and his family's money. All I could think is did your family win the lottery last week? It's a very nouveau riche thing to do. People who are used to having lots of money don't really feel the need to discuss it in such great detail. They just show up in an expensive car and pay for things and call it a day.

Not only that, but he actually invited one of his boys to come meet up with us at Redzone. This dude was a snarky, broke toolbag who was trying to holler at my friends but refused to buy them drinks. Turns out he wasn't the one paying for his own. Derrick covered that whole bar tab. WHAAAAAAAATTTTTT???? All I want to know is does this dude normally suck Derrick's dick at the end of the night too? It's possible. 

Clearly this dude did not get the memo that the only snarky, broke bitch who was supposed to be on this date was me. Also, I'm not sure what dude invites his boy out on a date with a girl and then pays for him. Guess he not only feels the need to buy the affection of women but also the loyalty and friendship of his boys. That's really sad and pathetic.

The whole situation just wasn't very impressive. He's a bartender at Bungalow Billiards in Alexandria and an E5 in the Army. I probably make more than he does but you don't hear me going on. In fact, the only time I talk about money is when I'm broke, like right now because I just dropped a rack of money on my car.

Third, also for the fellas... ALWAYS assume that EVERY WOMAN you meet is a scandalous, investigatory bitch who could put any man who works for both the CIA and FBI to shame any day of the week. DO NOT lie about dumb shit like the existence of your Facebook profile to conceal the fact that you have a girlfriend and assume we won't find out.

While we were at Transit, one of my friends brought up Facebook profiles and Derrick said something about not having one because "He kills people for a living." Pssshhhhh! This little piece of advice is for the ladies: Don't believe the fucking hype girls.This dude is not a damn assassin for the US Government. He's a Combat Engineer in the US Army. He has killed people... in freaking Afghanistan.. not here or in the Sudan or something. I dated another Combat Engineer last year who also killed people overseas and that fool has a Facebook profile. Some military dudes are extremely scandalous and they lie to hide the fact that they are attached and you are just a side piece.

Suddenly I started having flashes of squirrel pictures and the movie "What's Your Number?" I don't have to get to know him. I dated him... except his name was Scott and he was a Marine and an asshole who lied to me for over a year and hid the fact that he had a wife and possibly 2 kids. Hence why I called his bluff and went searching on Facebook... And look what I freaking found!

Now I have no clue who this Kathy B. chick is but she is definitely not what I envisioned when I think of super hot girls with fake boobs who go out on citywide banging rampages. She looks very plain and like she might actually be a nice person. He definitely was missing her the week he was in Tennessee and those posts are legit from only a week, maybe even several days, prior to us going on our date. We definitely were already talking on PoF when those posts were posted. So basically this dude is a lying, cheating, scandalous douche.

The moral of the story is: Fellas, here is yet another example of what not to do. Ladies, look alive because this fool is still cruising for chicks on Plenty of Fish and may or may not still have a girlfriend. Don't be part of his banging spree through the DMV to get back at Kathy B. That ain't your problem and you definitely don't need that in your life. Also, if a dude offers you an expensive gift you should take it. He offered me Lexus President's Club Nats tickets and I'm a fucking moron for turning them down. I'm still kicking myself for not taking them because I'm a huge Nats fan and he's a huge douche.

Happy Tuesday Theme Songs From A$ap Rocky...

Happy Tuesday People! Keep repeating this mantra to yourself "I will survive this week. I have got to survive this week." Today's theme songs are all from a particular artist who I am seriously feeling in the most major of ways to end all major ways... A$ap Rocky.

For those of you who don't know about A$ap Rocky, he is a 24 year old rapper out of Harlem whose real name is Rakim Mayers (he was named after legendary hip hop artist Rakim). A$ap has been homeless, sold drugs, his brother died, etc. He has lived the life.

He's released 2 albums thus far. The first was a mixtape called Live. Love. A$ap back in 2011. It's awesome and you should listen to the whole thing. The second was his first mainstream album called Long. Live. A$ap released in January 2013. It's also awesome and you should listen to the whole thing.

You ever hear a song that is SOOOOOOO FREAKING AMAZINGLY GOOD it makes you want to like pull your hair and mush your face and go "OH. MY. GOD. This song is SICK!"? That is how pretty much everything this dude has put out makes me feel. But this song in particular is disgustingly sick. It's called Bass and it is #3 off the mixtape Live. Love. A$ap...

This one is also good. It's #2 off the mixtape...

Another good one.. #10 off the mixtape...

Now let's get into some new stuff off Long. Live. A$ap...

Of course you know this song with Skrillex. If you don't see Happy Monday! Theme Songs to Kick Off Yet Another Week...

Then of course there is this one with 2 CHAINZ, Drake, and Kendrick Lamar (who is also crazy awesome)...

But I'm sure you haven't heard this one yet... It's so dark and weird and obscure that I just don't know if people are quite ready. This is the title track off the album..

Also this one is crucial...

This last one is not on the mixtape or the album but I'm feelin it.. It's called Shabba and it's by another member of the A$ap Mob crew, A$ap Ferg. It features A$ap Rocky and the video has a special cameo made in it by none other than the legendary dancehall artist Shabba Ranks. There is an article on MTV's website that talks about just how rare this is called A$AP Ferg Explains 'Very Rare' Shabba Ranks Cameo, Frame By Frame...

There are loads more songs by A$ap Rocky that I encourage you to check out so go get your YouTube on like now!

"Conducting an Online Investigation" of a Dude Today...

So recently I started talking to this dude Scotty who is the lead singer of a rocksteady reggae band out of DC called The Shifters. He hit me up several weeks ago on the dating website I'm on and was all impressed that I'm a DJ and wanted to get to know me and blah blah blah.

During one of our initial conversations, I told him if he was trying to see me naked then he'd have to take me on a couple dates and woo me. He said something like "Well in my book a couple is two and I could woo you by singing to you. That could be accomplished by taking you to dinner and then taking you to one of my band's shows." I was like "In my book a couple is really a few which is like three. The odds of me wooing you by singing to you are significantly higher. And the date you described counts as one date, but going to your gig doesn't count as a date since you'd technically be working."

This response apparently made me a worthy advisary in his eyes because he began to understand that his usual tricks he uses on groupies and regular girls don't work on me. I'm also a musician and I've watched my male musician friends holler at chicks at shows for years so I always laugh when male musicians try to use the same lines on me. I told him, "It's like Superman trying to mack on Wonder Woman." The difference is female musicians' tricks are universal and work on anybody because all I have to say is, "I'm a DJ." All dudes, even dudes who are also DJ's, are total suckers for that line. No lie, it works every time.

We were trying to make plans to meet up and it didn't quite work out... Here is whahappin... A couple Saturdays ago we were going to go listen to music and get drinks. But he was too tired after recording in the studio all day, which I totally understand. He asked me if I wanted to meet up the next day instead and go hiking. Not really... I'm not going hiking with a strange dude I've never met. Plus it was like 90+ degrees outside with high humidity and I wasn't trying to look like a sweaty, frizzy, hot mess on a first date. I'm outdoorsy in the sense that I like to go to the pool and get drunk on patios.

The next morning he texted me and asked if I wanted to meet at the mall... like we're in high school. He was like, "Except now we can actually go into stores and buy stuff.. like a new hat for me." Uhhhhhhh... WHAAAAAAAATTTTTT?!?!?! Do I look like a 15 year old groupie who wants to follow you around the mall while you go hat shopping? Does this approach work on other women? Not happening.

Well, then I talked to my neighbor Wanda about the situation and felt bad for having said No. Wanda is like Yoda, except that she's tall, blonde, skinny, and Russian. She said to me, "You should go! You go try on hats, take a picture..Oh we're soooo cute! Oh! look at that dress it would look so cute on me! Oh Maggiano's I'm so hungry. Then you get a new dress and dinner and you make him pay for it all, not because you are a materialistic bitch, but because you are setting up a standard for the relationship. You need to let a man be the man because they like that stuff."

She went on to say something to the effect of... "Everyone deserves to have some happiness in this world so you have to twist the situation to your benefit to make you happy." She's totally right. So I kicked myself for the rest of the day because I should've gone. The day she outlined actually sounded fun and I wished I'd have not been so quick to shoot it down.

Anyway, I didn't hear from him again until this past Saturday night. He texted me to say hi while he was away at some wedding (hopefully not his own because I've been coming across some super scandalous douches who would do stuff like that). I was like "I thought you blew me off because I didn't want to go hat shopping?" Guess not. So apparently he is going to hit me up some time this week when he's back in town. I'm holding my breath as we speak.. no, not really.. but kind of... I was drunk and I'm sure he was drunk so hopefully he remembers doing it.

But what I am doing is some internet stalking or as I prefer to call it, "conducting an online investigation." I told him to add me on Facebook and he hasn't yet, which would make this process easier. Guess it would make it easier for him too since I post links to the blog all over my profile... much like I will be posting this one, which would then blow up my spot. My official stance on everything though is still always "Niki Slik doesn't catch feelings."

However, I googled him and his band and also found videos on YouTube. I'm bored so these YouTube videos are actually keeping me entertained and giving me something to listen to whilst I do my actual day jobby stuff. Unfortunately it's not letting me add the good ones I really like. Here are a couple though just to give you an idea.. Just go on YouTube and look up The Shifters and you'll find a ton.

It's funny because now I'm sitting here like a 15 year old groupie all giddy and stupid. Damn that boy can sang! For real, he looks super cute in those videos and actually could woo me by singing to me. In fact, I think I'm pretty much already wooed as it is. That man could sing the phone book to me all day. I should have sucked it up and gone hiking and hat shopping and whatnot. The moral of the story is: I'm a freaking moron. Hopefully he hits me up this week.

Happy Monday Theme Songs From 2CHAINZ!

Sorry I've been MIA folks... Been dealing with a rack of stuff including my car which just cost me a small fortune to get stuff fixed on. My phone also broke and I had to wait for my replacement to come in which meant I was pretty much disconnected for most of last week. Also, I was doing some dating and finally broke the failure to launch first date curse.

Anyway, I'm feelin some 2 CHAINZ in a major way today so that's what we're doing for the theme songs...

First up, the song that provoked this...

Also, I had this song stuck in my head all weekend...

This one is a super fave...

I'mma start a riot...

And this one with Nicki Minaj is the super jam of the century...

And finally, can't forget about this one....

BOOM! Happy Monday!



Happy HumP Day Theme Songs From the Violent Femmes

I've been gone for a minute, I know... Been dealing with this endlessly frustrating experience of insanity, awesomeness, and disappointment I call my life. Anyway, today's theme songs are all about the Violent Femmes. Why? Because I can.

I love the Violent Femmes. I always wonder if they break their guitar strings at the end of every song because it sounds like it. I saw them years ago at HFStival and they are amazing live. If you ever get the chance to see them I highly recommend it.

This song explains about where I'm at today...

This one is also a favorite of mine that I frequently dance around my apartment to...

And finally, this song is actually the first one I ever heard by Violent Femmes a long, long time ago and it is awesome.

Check This Out! Bonus Music for Your Monday... DMV Local Band - Madison Apart

Also, I got turned on to this little gem this morning... Thanks Brett! It is a metal cover of Pat Benetar's "Love Is A Battlefield" done by a local band from the DMV called Madison Apart. The video is awesome and hysterical. I <3 cheesy 80's hair metal like no other so anything that has to do with it automatically wins bonus cool points with me. Anyway, check this out and go like their Facebook page which you can get to by clicking on these hyperlinks that say Madison Apart.

Happy Monday Theme Songs! Paying Homage to Missy "Misdemeanor" Elliot...

Last night I had a very interesting, in-depth conversation about Timbaland and Missy Elliot. Apparently, people don't know just how much of a super beast Missy Elliot is so let me break it down for a hot minute. Timbaland is awesome but I think Missy gets shafted on a lot of well deserved credit for what she's done with Timbo and on her own.

Just in case you live under a rock, Missy "Misdemeanor" Elliot is a singer, rapper, songwriter, and producer who has put out a rack of singles and albums that have been dominating hip hop radio stations and music video channels for about 16 years now. I've been a HUGE fan of hers forever and she definitely inspired and influenced me as a music producer. I probably quote her at least once a day.

I remember when she burst onto the scene in a giant trash bag in The Rain...

Her first verse in this song with Timbaland and Magoo is my fave and I definitely quote it more than I care to admit...

She and Timbaland co-produced some awesome songs together like this one which I used to sing to this one dude I did questionable things with back in my Honey Badger Homewrecker days like 10 years ago because it got on his nerves and I thought it was funny... and fitting...

This one is one of my BFF Mele's and my faves...

Also can't forget this one which I personally prefer the Hipstep remix of...

And also this one which is epic...

Missy Elliot has also influenced my dating life and approach towards men, particularly with this song...

And gave me a theme song with regard to my standards outside of the bedroom because I'm shallow...

And how to let a dude know what my standards are inside the bedroom as well also because I'm shallow...

And also this to let a guy know what I might intend to do to him...

Next, this is a song Missy actually produced on her own sans Timbaland...

I also really like this song because it's awesome...

Finally, here are a couple songs from one of Missy and Timbaland's more recent production projects that never went anywhere even though it should have. After Timbaland put on One Republic, he moved on to Izza Kizza. Their songs are awesome and shame on you for not knowing who they are...

This one is my super fave though. It has nothing to do with Missy as far as know but it's still a hot song...

BOOM!