Adventures in Dating Douchebags: Meet Prince Wannabe Karaoke Player the Fool of Fairfax

So I'm out at karaoke at The Old SheBitch last Friday night with my boys William, David, and Chris doing my weekly karaoke thing wrecking shop and whatnot with my dope singing performances.. I'm sitting there minding my own fucking business when THIS DUDE comes up to borrow the karaoke book we've bogarted for our table...

Here is another mofo whom I would suggest avoiding or further subjecting to public scrutiny... Personally I would prefer the latter. Please subject him to LOTS of public scrutiny... Meet Prince Wannabe Karaoke Player the Fool of Fairfax aka The Acoustic Storm aka Brian Johnson...

Here is a pic from his band fan page which is actually closer to what he looked like last Friday since he was wearing that beanie...

Yeah, I know.. This guy has Douchey O'Toolbag written all over him. He's 30 years old, which is all the more reason he should know better by now.. Real quick.. Fellas, just so you know, 24 is the last cute age you will ever be. Once you turn 25 you can no longer get away with the same dumb, immature bullshit you used to pull because people will start holding you accountable for it.. especially women. 

Anyway, he lives down the street from me in an apartment complex called The Arbors so I wouldn't doubt if we frequent the same grocery stores. He's also an IT recruiter by day and then does music on the side... When I met him he told me he usually hangs out upstairs because he plays acoustic guitar for the bar's live music nights *flips hair*.

Now bear in mind, there are like 4 other books sitting on a table only a few yards away from us. But yet, this dude just had to have mine. When he asked I said, "You can't run off with our book. You can sit right here at this empty table next to us and look through it so I can watch you like a fucking hawk and make sure you give it back." Just FYI BTW, that was not a pickup line. I always say that same shit to anyone who tries to take my book at karaoke regardless of who they are because I don't want them to steal it. Ask anyone.

So he sits down and he starts talking about himself and music and whatnot and he asks me if I want to sing a duet. I agree and tell him to pick out a song. Well, all the songs he picked were not duet songs or even songs I know well or at all so I vetoed them. Then he tells me to find a song for us to sing. While I'm flipping through the book we continue talking and he goes on about his band and acoustic guitar stuff and whatnot. I tell him I'm a DJ *flips hair*... Cause I'm awesome too.

I told him about the legend that is Niki Slik and mention that I'm the Queen of Fairfax. So this dude starts trying to come up with a way in his tiny, pee-sized brain to usurp me and be King. I told him no fucking way would that shit ever happen and that instead of trying to kill me off he could maybe just marry me or something and become a King Consort.. unless I did like Queen Victoria or Queen Elizabeth II and left him as a Prince so that my monarchy would be absolute... which sounds better. The best this mofo could do now though is be my court jester now cause he is a dumbass fool. Crowns are for winners dude. Crowns are for winners. 

During our conversation he invited me to his gig he was playing the next night.. which would be Saturday. So we add each other on Facebook and exchange numbers and stuff. I'm thinking this dude is like perfect.. tall, cute, plays music, lives close by.. all of the above. Whenever he looks away, I keep turning to David all excited and quietly mouthing "He is so cute!" He couldn't understand what I was saying and wasn't being subtle about it. 

I then introduced him to my boys and he tells them "Hi, I'm Harmless".. I couldn't hear him and neither could they and I'm thinking he said something else so I'm like "His name is Brian." He said "I introduced myself as Harmless because those guys are all bigger than me and look like they could kick my ass." So I tell them that. I'm like "They won't as long as you don't do something stupid."

After a bit, Douchey O'Toolbag gets up to go hang with his "posse".  I'm like "YaY! Let me brush off my shoulders cause they are covered in pimp dust." I was just so excited that, for once, a dude... a super cute dude.. a super cute dude who is in my age range and has a lot in common with me... actually came up and talked to me... a super cute dude who actually has balls.. I feel like ya'll need to appreciate the fact that random dudes I don't know.. especially super cute, single ones.. like pretty much NEVER come up and hit on me because they're intimidated by me and have no balls. It's true. Apparently I am so devastatingly hot and awesome that it actually strikes fear into the hearts of men.

He keeps coming back by to check if I've picked a song for us. I finally told him I gave up on that because I couldn't really figure out what to do and then my boy Davelicious told me the list was closing so if we didn't have it in already we wouldn't get to do it. I already had another song in for myself anyway so he put in his own.

He got called up and sang "In Your Eyes" by Peter Gabriel... which wasn't bad. During his song all the ladies were swoony including me (I'll admit it) and one of them got up on stage and danced with him for a sec then goes back to her friends like all "OMG" excited. He gets done and then it's my turn. I sang one of my go-to jams "Aerials" by System of a Down cause I'm a badass. I wrecked shop AGAIN and had the whole bar singing along with me. The karaoke DJ was like "Well if she didn't shut it down before, she certainly did now."

After I got off stage and made my way through the barrage of high fives, I went up to the bar to get another drink.. Douchey was standing there and the girl he was dancing with was buying him a drink.. I laughed and said "Looks like you got yourself a little karaoke groupie there pimpin." He's like "Yeah.." So I'm like "It's cool. I too have karaoke groupies." *flips hair*

I went back over to my spot to sit with my friends and William asked "So is he Mr. Dreamy now?" Of course not! Perish the fucking thought! Mr. Dreamy is Mr. Dreamy. He can't be replaced. He knows who he is and likes his nickname and it belongs to him until the end of time. It's not a beauty competition title like Miss America where it can just pass from person to person annually based on how pretty they look in evening gowns and swimsuits. Besides, I will say that Douchey O'Toolbag is pretty but he's not dreamy. There is a difference.

Mr. Dreamy actually invited me to his band's show in a couple weeks... which he's never done before. He's so cute when he's inviting me to his shows and guestlisting me with winky face texts and shit. It makes me feel all blushy and giddy and stupid like I'm some kind of special cause he wants me to be there so much so he's made it impossible for me to decline since I'd be getting in for free.. Not even sure if I am any kind of special to him and think I may even be reading too much into it because he probably just wants me to do some promo shit on my blog.. But I don't care. I will live in my teenybopper crush delusion of grandeur.

As I laughed about that preposterous notion, I got up and went to the ladies room to break the seal... Meanwhile I was actually trying to figure out what this dude's nickname would be. Karaoke groupie girl happened to be in there too. While I was washing my hands and straightening, she complimented my shirt and then my toenails and told me hers were the same color... I could tell she was sizing me up because we were both talking to the same dude.

Anyway, I came back out and my boys continued ragging on me about Douchey. William was like "I'm in a band. I play acoustic guitar" *flips hair* "I wrote you a song. Wanna hear it? It goes like this...

 

Your name is.... Niki? Yeah.. Niki

It rhymes with... Sticky..

I got you this flower

So don't be picky."

 

I laughed and then went back to the bar to go close my tab. I saw Douchey so I told him my friends were giving me shit about him and sang him the song.. which is still stuck in my head btw.. Meanwhile karaoke groupie girl is still right by him and I notice they're being kinda flirty and shit and it's starting to get weird. I'm thinking "Is there something I'm missing?"

 

Then she gives me this look like "Uhhhh you can go now cause I've claimed this one." So I pull Douchey aside and I ask him "Why is your karaoke groupie giving me the stank eye?" And this when he tells me, "Oh, that's my girl." Excuse me. "Your girl? If she's your girl then why the hell were you talking to me?" He tried to pull this innocent shit like "Oh I just came up to borrow a book." We both know that was not the case and there were soooo many points during the conversation we had where he could've mentioned the fact that he not only had a girl.. BUT that she was there with him on the other side of the bar!

I'm just standing there with my jaw on the floor totally amazed by this mofo's brazenness. So I put my hand up and did the little 'Oh HELL to the Nah I'm about to get ratchet' wave and then thought better and said "WOW.. Whatever. Fucking unreal. Just forget it." Then I walked away because it just wasn't worth it to even bother making a scene.

So karaoke groupie girl who turned out to be Douchey O'Toolbag's girl followed me over to my table and asked me what was going on. I looked at her and said "I don't want to get all up in your situation but you need to put your man in check cause he's been over here hollering at me all night." My boys stepped in and told her that I was telling the truth and that he'd come back to our table several times and introduced himself as Harmless and shit.

I went on and told her that I didn't know he had a girlfriend because he didn't tell me. She lets me know they just started seeing each other. So I'm like, "Then that makes it easier to cut it off now. You're cute and seem nice. I'll pimp you out on my blog and you could have a new boyfriend by next week." Then I handed her my phone and she added herself on Facebook (she declined my request she'd sent though.. which is fine) and then I told her about my Dating Douchebags segment.

Here is this girl by the way...

 

 

See, she's cute and nice. I think she could definitely do better than Douchey O'Toolbag.. Turns out our mutual friends are actually my neighbors... And let me point out the fact that Douchey O'Toolbag not only hit on me while his girl was in the same bar.. He hit on me while his girl was in the same bar which is also the place she works at! She fucking works there! AND he did that shit where she works while she was there!

 

Anyway, one of her friends comes up and pulls her away and asks me about what happened and my friends kept stepping in.. I think they were afraid there was going to be a catfight or something so they were vouching for me and letting these girls know this shit really wasn't my fault because... Like I said at the beginning, I was just sitting there minding my own fucking business and this dude came up to me.

 

I was just amazed by this whole surreal situation. All I could think is 3 things.. First, that I am such a douchebag magnet and I just don't understand how I attract these fuckers. Usually I've been the one to pick them from a dating website. But this one just walked right up to me! Why me?!?! Second, when I said this dude had balls, I didn't realize just how big they must be cause.. for real.. hollering at chicks at your girl's workplace while she's also there right under her nose.. That is some brazen ass shit right there.. And third.. Oh shit! I need to take screenshots of this shit for the blog cause this fucker is getting blasted!

 

So I'm sitting there screenshotting Douchey's profIle and shit because I had a feeling he was going to defriend me... which he did. Meanwhile across the bar, chick is getting into it with him and she is making a scene. Once I was done my boys and I rolled out.

We were saying our goodbyes and smoking in the parking lot. Then I see chick's homegirl walking to her car right across from mine. I asked her how her friend was and she told me that chick is upset and doesn't know who to trust. I'm like seriously?! Between me and Douchey O'Toolbag, I'm definitely the one whose word should be taken at face value here. If I were in chick's shoes (and I have been), I'm taking whatever that girl says my man did over whatever he's telling me like 99.9% of the time because she's probably telling me the truth.

In this instance, I didn't even start any part of that nor did I volunteer shit to this girl nor did I bitch him the fuck out for being a dickhead... and believe me, I wanted to.. But I have some class and self respect so I walked away. She is the one who followed me to my table across the bar of her own accord to solicit an explanation of what happened from me. I even had 3 witnesses who testified that I was telling the truth.. Guy witnesses... which makes it even more valid cause most men are not getting in the middle of lady squabbles. So of all the people who get to be trusted in this particular scenario, it's fucking ME. If not, then what the fuck did you bother me and make me waste my precious breath and time for?

Anyway, while I was still bullshitting in the parking lot I saw that Douchey had defriended me on Facebook. I texted him to let him know I knew and informed him he'd be the subject of this week's Dating Douchebags blog post and that I'd be sure to send his girl a link to it... I'm not really going to send her anything. Honestly, beyond that night and this post, I have absolutely no desire to have any further involvement in their relationship drama.

That dude is sad and sorry anyway... Look...

I screenshotted his gig the day after which only 4 people apparently went to.. That's sad.

 

I also screenshot his band page... Apparently that background is his apartment.. which he also told me while we were talking when he found his band page on my phone and hit Like.. Thus forcing me to be the 82nd person to like his sad page.

Now, in comparison, I have 118 likes on my Miss Slik's Guide 2 Life Facebook Page (BTW, go Like my stupid page people cause Blogger says you're reading my shit) and then I have 220 likes on my semi-abandoned Niki Slik Facebook DJ Fan Page. SO, in the world of Facebook popularity contests I'm winning over this dude... Not by a huge margin.. But I'm still winning.. which is why I'm the Queen and this dude will never take my crown.. Cause like I said.. Crowns are for winners.

Fellas, this is yet another example of what not to do. If you already have a nice, cute girlfriend then don't be a dick and try to creep on her.. and especially don't be a dick and try to creep while she's across the bar at which she also happens to work. Ladies, this dude is still out there cruising.. and she's probably somewhere near by.. and she's probably somewhere near by. You don't need that in your life.

And finally, everyone, this dude sat there and plotted my death right in front of me just to usurp my throne. Pretty sure he'll probably plan my untimely demise for different reasons now. If you protect me, there may be a dukedom in it for you.. I can probably take him on my own though since, as you well know, I be kickin ass for infinity scarves and lighters and shit and will ferociously defend myself.. Cause Crowns are for winners. Woe to the Republic.